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How do you resolve differences with your partner's parenting style?

(10 Posts)
Baaartimaeus Fri 21-Sep-12 12:26:54

DS is nearly 12 months. He is a very bad sleeper. I do all the night wakings (habit we fell into cos at first I EBF and now DS screams if his dad comes in instead of me at night, so it's quicker all round if I do the night wakings).

I am exhausted (I work FT so can't catch up on sleep during the day). We've tried various training techniques and are having some success with gradual withdrawal but it hasn't stopped the night wakings (just made the bedtimes easier).

The problem is that DH thinks we should let DS cry. I disagree. We've gone back and forth over the issue and I've said we could try controlled crying but I absolutely refuse CIO. (We did try CC but it wasn't very successful.)

Anyway, I need help at night. DH's "help" consists of suggesting we both sleep in the lounge so we hear DS less hmm He won't help by going into settle DS as he says DS just gets more agitated when he sees him (this is true but I think it's because he's never gotten used to DH putting him to bed/sleep).

So after an awful night this week when both DS and I had heavy colds and I was up with DS for nearly 4 hours straight, my parents and DH have put pressure on me to go and sleep at my parents' house one night this weekend and for DH to look after DS.

Sounds great, but I'm worried DH will just leave DS to cry sad so I can't relax.

Anyway, should I just accept that DH and I will always have this difference and accept that either I let go a bit and let DH deal with the sleep in his way, or I do all the nights. Or should I keep trying to convince DH that my way is "better"?

I'm meant to be sleeping away tonight and we've spent all morning emailing each other "scientific studies" that letting babies cry is fine/bad. confused smile

Before having DS we'd discussed loads of things like smacking and dummies and toys and pocket money etc. but we'd not really discussed night wakings and I really didn't expect to be woken 4 times a night for over a year... <naive>

strandednomore Fri 21-Sep-12 12:30:25

You need to find a compromise that you are both happy with. If you're not happy letting him cry then that's not going to work for you. But on the other hand you obviously need help and so you need to find a solution. There are lots of in-between ways, I am sure if you google or look on other MN threads you will find them. But parenting is not a science, there is no one right or wrong way and to be honest I think things will come up between you and your partner for years - there are so many issues and so many ways of dealing with them that there are always bound to be disagreements. As the mother of two daughters I am dreading the teenage years when I think my dh's solution to everything will be "no!"

HotheadPaisan Fri 21-Sep-12 12:32:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baaartimaeus Fri 21-Sep-12 13:20:28

Thanks for your replies.

I've looked for inbetween ways between going in when DS cries (my approach) and CIO (DH's).

Hence why after many bad nights I agreed to try CC. but DH still wouldn't participate.

Gradual withdrawal is working well in the evenings but DS still wakes up at night (and can self-settle sometimes just not always).

I'm just frustrated that I'm hunting for a solution for DS' waking and DH just says that everyone he knows leaves their baby to cry and it's worked for them so why wouldn't it work for us?

I feel that I have a choice between doing it all or leaving DS to cry.

HotheadPaisan Fri 21-Sep-12 13:39:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strandednomore Fri 21-Sep-12 17:00:30

I will add that lots an lots of children of all sorts of ages still wake in the night and often end up in their parents beds. I think it's one of the things that doesn't get talked about. So all those people who your dh says left their children to cry - I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them are still waking....

cloudhands Sun 23-Sep-12 19:46:24

hi there, did you know that you don't have to do cc crying to get your baby to sleep through the night. this is a gentle way that I did with my DD.

crying for comfort

this is another great article,
Helping young children sleep

basically it's based on the idea, that after 6 months, all healthy babies should be able to sleep through the night. If they wake, it's because of stress and tension, they can release this tension, through crying, but with your love and support, lying next to them, or holding them, ( NOT alone), and within a short time they will sleep through the night, (but without having their attachment and trust in you damaged by crying alone)

when I did this with my DD she started sleeping better after the first night, and within a few weeks she was sleeping through.

IWillOnlyEatBeans Sun 23-Sep-12 20:22:19

I might be able to help! I used a bit of an in-between method to help my DS learn to self settle (a cross between CC and PUPD, pinched from my friend who used a sleep-trainer!) and it worked well - has worked for others too. I can send you a PM if you would like the details.

It does involve some crying, but only for short intervals and baby gets lots of love and reassurance when you go in to them (rather than the slightly ineffective 'shhh, it's sleepy time' which goes with most CC methods).

Let me know if you'd like the details...

IWillOnlyEatBeans Sun 23-Sep-12 20:25:10

Oh - and start getting your DH involved at bedtimes. Even doing it jointly for a few weeks so he becomes a familiar presence at that time of day. Then you can start 'popping out' of the room while your DH does bits by himself until your DS gets used to your DH being involved.

I personally wouldn't leave my DH in charge for a night if I thought he might try CIO.

Baaartimaeus Mon 24-Sep-12 15:44:17

Thanks everyone.
In the end we had 3 fab nights (only one wake up!) so I've got some energy back without leaving DS for the night (my poor parents were forced to eat the cake they'd bought for me as a surprise wink ). DS then had a medium bad night last night but that's because of teething so unavoidable sad

DH has started joining in on the bedtime routine, and being in the room when DS falls asleep and we will gradually get him to play a bigger part.

Will look at the links and yes please to the PM IWill! All ideas are welcome smile

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