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Emmigrating without my youngest.

(76 Posts)
LeeLou74 Wed 19-Sep-12 11:55:53

I have 3 children 7, 13, and a step daughter of 15. My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently married. My husband has a chance at setting up a business in the US. My husband and I and the two eldest children really want to go and have permission from relevant parents. My youngest has said he doesn't want to go and his Dad won't give us permission. My youngest has never been to America nor has he ever lived with his Dad for more than 7 days. My son says he wants to live with his Dad but I am worried that this may not be the case after a year or so when he has had the opportunity to experience both lives. I do not think my ex would let my son come with us if he changed his mind later on.

I don't know what to do!! There are 5 of us in this family and trying to do what's best for everyone is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. Please give me some evidence or your own experiences.

frankie4 Wed 19-Sep-12 12:00:15

There is no way I could emigrate and leave my 7 year old dc behind!!

And I don't understand why your husband will not let your son come and live with you if he changes his mind. He is only 7 FFS!

You have to do what you think is the right thing for your children, not just what is right for your husband.

pixiestix Wed 19-Sep-12 12:01:48

Wow, that is hard. How do feel about the possibility of living apart from your son?

timetoask Wed 19-Sep-12 12:03:18

I am amazed that you are even considering it. I would never leave my child behind, least of all at the tender age of 7.

MirandaWest Wed 19-Sep-12 12:04:38

I don't think a 7 year old should be given the choice about an issue that's that big tbh. Not sure when I think it should change (my DC are only 8 and 6) but at that age they aren't able to make reasoned decisions about something that all enveloping I don't think.

addictedisback Wed 19-Sep-12 12:09:00

Frankie the way I read it was her sons dad wouldn't give permission, not her new husband not wanting him?

DameEnidsOrange Wed 19-Sep-12 12:10:45

What timetoask said.

Not exactly the same but DH (and BIL) went off to boarding school at a similar age as his Dad was working abroad and his Mum went with him.

They were together during the holidays but that was it.

It has fucked DH up big time, he is not close to his parents or his siblings

littlebluechair Wed 19-Sep-12 12:11:28

Have you taken legal advice? That is your first port of call really IMO.

How do you feel when you think of leaving him? What do you think in your heart is right for him? It would be very hard on him for his whole family to leave him I think.

Would you consider his dad to be a reasonable man and a good father for him?

7to25 Wed 19-Sep-12 12:11:47

stay in the UK
This is pie in the sky
You can neither leave a seven year old or take him away from his father.
TBH the boy may love it there, if he were to go and the other two may hate it when reality bites. What would you do then?

PineappleBed Wed 19-Sep-12 12:13:14

There's no way I'd go without him and if your ex won't give petmssion for him to go then surely that's the end of it?

How would you have felt at 7 if your mum moved to the US with her new husband and left you behind, even if you'd said you wanted to stay?

Are you sure your DS isn't actually saying "stay here with me" rather than "go without me"? I think if you go without him he'll never want to live with you again.

Just because you have an opportunity doesn't mean you have to, or should, take it.

Personally I think child trumps husband every time but I know some disagree with me on that.

PineappleBed Wed 19-Sep-12 12:16:51

I also completely agree with Miranda, putting the onus of this huge decision on a seven year old is really unfair. You should have sorted it with his dad and your husband and made a decision/come up with options you'd all be happy with before you even mentioned it to him in any sort of definate way.

RowanTreesJoeAtChristmas Wed 19-Sep-12 12:20:05

I personally could never ever ever even consider living away from my DS's. The thought breaks my heart. I don't think a 7 year old should have the final say on such a big family decision but if his father won't let him go then that would be the end of it for me. I really don't understand why your partner now wouldn't let him join you if he changes his mind either, that seems odd. He's your son and he's 7. Sorry to sound rude but it doesn't sound like he wants what is best for you or your children. I could never be with a man who would seriously expct me to leave one of my children to be with him. I think you need to have serious talks with him to be honest.

Fairylea Wed 19-Sep-12 12:23:02

I think this is crazy. You're talking of leaving your young child for the sake of a business that may or may not take off. I could never leave my dc regardless.

Either all go or none of you go. You can't let a child make a decision they don't fully understand the enormity of.

badtasteflump Wed 19-Sep-12 12:24:55

I couldn't think of splitting a family like this.

If all of my family (ie DH & all the DC) weren't able to stay together, for whatever reason, it just wouldn't happen.

ksrwr Wed 19-Sep-12 12:27:40

i agree with timetoask. breaks my heart to think of someone leaving a 7 year old behind. why doesn't your husband go on ahead and establish the business and see if its going to work first, he could come home once a month to visit. then in 6/12 months you could make the move as a family, once everything is settled in USA, and your husband has had a chance to tell all the kids what life is really like. I personally believe you have to think of the children first, then your husband, he's an adult and can look after himself, the children however can't.

BananaBubbles Wed 19-Sep-12 12:28:00

There is not a chance that I'd be leaving behind my seven year old. I'd be equally as shock if a father did it btw. Your child comes before your husband.

And you're going for a business that may or may not work out.Starting a business is difficult enough in one's own country.It'll be even harder in an unfamiliar place. That said either you all go or no one goes.

nicklenackle Wed 19-Sep-12 12:29:03

I would beware.. My paternal grandmother did this in the 1950s - she had 3 boys and when she moved abroad she took two of them but left my father with her mother. He doesn't really know why and it absolutely ruined their relationship. He feels that his grandmother was his mum and feels no warmth towards his actual mother. I think it can be tempting to assume that the child would understand, or that you could explain at a later date, but in fact that may not be possible. The feelings you have at 7 when you don't really understand the complexities of things can last a lifetime.

EasilyBored Wed 19-Sep-12 12:30:37

I'm going to go against the grain and say this is isn't as black and white as you either all go or none of you go. You co-parent with someone you don't live with, and that makes things very complicated. Ultimately you have to weigh up the benefits of moving (to your other two children). I don't neccesarily think that you should go without him (I know I couldn't leave DS), but could you discuss the logisitics of visitation/custody with your ex a bit more and see if there is a compromise?

rubyslippers Wed 19-Sep-12 12:32:07

You either all go or none of you

It wouldn't even enter my head to consider leaving my 7 year old behind

rubyslippers Wed 19-Sep-12 12:33:34

A 7 year old shouldn't have the responsibility of the decision either way

We desperately want to emigrate.

But DDs dad is here and I wouldnt expect either of them to do with out the other.

So we cant go and thats the end of that.

surroundedbyblondes Wed 19-Sep-12 12:39:36

My DH's father travelled all over the world chasing various business ideas and looking to make as much money as he could. DH and his siblings were dragged with them year after year to a range of far flung places and then later on shipped to boarding school. MIL never considered that she might provide a stable base for her children, but instead felt that FIL was the one who she ought to support. Seeing the aftermath in the grown-up lives that DH and his siblings lead I would not say that this was a wise course of action.

I understand it must be a terribly hard thing to go through, but I agree with those who say that child trumps husband. We did make an international move, when our children were very tiny. But that was one move to get us to where we permanently want to be. Barring absolute financial ruin, I would not move internationally with my children again.

QuintessentialShadows Wed 19-Sep-12 12:43:04

"My husband has a chance at setting up a business in the US."

Really?

Is he American? Does he know the US very well? Well enough to run a business there? Can he not run the same business here?

Can you let him go and get the business set up, find a house for your, sort schools out, and then join him when he has everything in place?

And if it goes wrong, he can come back, and you have lost nothing, apart from maybe a few months where you have been apart.

FireOverBabylon Wed 19-Sep-12 12:52:24

I don't see this as being about the 7 year old's choice. He equally wouldn't want to move if your DH got another job at the other end of the country, but would have to go if the rest f his family went. It's a case of tough, that's the decision made for this family.

The issue is with your ex-h. He has said that he won't give permission for his son to live abroad. So sorry, but you don't go. Your DH can go with his 15 year old, but you and your 2 stay. This may feel unfair to you but it's no more unfair than you telling your ex that your son will be moving to another country. You're being unreasonable to expect him to stop parenting in the same way as he's unreasonable to stop you going abroad. Do not decide to go anyway and leave your DS behind.

7to25 Wed 19-Sep-12 12:57:21

would you be able to work?
you may be a SAHM but find it very hard to make friends.
Speak from experience of 1year in US. I took our then six year old and left his siblings 18-26 at home. I was desperately missing them and THEY ARE ADULTS. How could you leave a seven year old? Skype just makes it worse and my six year old refused to speak to his siblings on Skype as it made him feel so bad!
He loved America, but my 18 year old came out to spend the year there as a Gap year. He managed two months and then went home; he hated it so much. This is a possibility with your other children. They know the fantasy and not the reality.
Life in America is HARD. Healthcare. Will that be provided or will you be paying for yourselves.
Please look into all the practicalities and send your DH out for at least a year to sort everything out.
Do you have masses of money saved for college for your DSD?
Will your DH get a working visa?
These things are obsessions for Americans and we do not really think about them. We don't have to.
I nearly kissed the earth when I got back.

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