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Back in the Zoo for new adventures with old friends

(1000 Posts)
CaptainNemo Tue 13-Dec-11 16:25:20

Come on over animals, I think we'll be very comfy here smile

BuddhaBelly Tue 30-Oct-12 08:01:56

Good luck for tomorrow smile x

BuddhaBelly Wed 31-Oct-12 21:53:31

How did you get on?

gomurray Wed 31-Oct-12 21:58:03

Aww Buddha what a great big bag of shit today was sad. When I told the MW about latest MC she told me that we should not have been trying and that there is no point taking bloods until 6 weeks after latest MC so I'd have to go away and come back in 5 weeks - aarghhhh ! If the nurse who booked me into the recurrent MC clinic had told me that I'd have stopped trying last cycle. I am just sooooo pissed off as feel like we have taken a step backwards just when I was hoping to move forward an inch. She then booked us in for bloods on the day before the anniversary of losing our boy last year - I'm afraid at this point I burst into tears and walked out blush leaving poor DP alone wondering WTF !!! Being a man he had not clicked about the date and just thought I was mental ! I feel so, so low as I had pinned a lot of hope on today being a step in the right direction. I know in the grand scheme of things 5 weeks is nothing but right now it feels like a lifetime to me - I just want answers and to move on sad. I'm really starting to struggle with all of this shit - there are only so many knocks a person can take without cracking.

BuddhaBelly Thu 01-Nov-12 08:06:20

Oh Murray that is shit sad we got knocked back first time we went as I had a bfp a week before we got there so they turned us away and we had to go to the end of the list and wait when we mc'd again sad No wonder you had a meltdown when they picked such an unfortunate date but maybe it's an omen? Maybe your little one is sending a sign (trying to spin it for you hun) Blokes never get the whole date thing and I know you thought you'd be we'll into another pg before you reached the first anniversary instead of on this crap roller coaster you can't get off without making a conscience decision and breaking a piece of your heart off in the process sad So does this mean no more ttc before next appt?

gomurray Thu 01-Nov-12 09:30:23

Buddha you have hit the nail on the head there - but then I guess you know exactly how I feel as you are going through the same crap sad. No more TTC until next year I reckon. Trying to put a positive spin on it, I guess that means I can drink wine and champagne over the festive season without any worry that I might be PG. For some bizarre reason the MW said that they would do the bloods (testing for blood clotting, chromosome issues etc..) then see consultant and if noting comes up then that is it ! I asked at what point they would monitor my hormones over the course of a cycle (day 3 and day 21 bloods) and she looked at me as if I were mad and said that they didn't do that and she figured that was a GP thing ! So, in an attempt to pick myself up and do something positive (my coping mechanism, I struggle when I feel I can't push things forward) I have made an appt with my GP for 2 weeks time. She is lovely and is really understanding so hoping I can get her to take day 3 & day 21 bloods in my next cycle. IMHO the clotting tests are a waste of time and the MW almost said as much herself yesterday as I have 2 healthy PGs so no reason to think any issue with clotting/chromosomes etc... I reckon the late MC has messed up my hormones and I just need them fixed - no idea if it is that simple ! I also found out that I don't have anti-bodies from rhesus -ve with +ve baby - this was my biggest worry so I guess that is progress. However, I only found that out because I was knowledgeable and pushed her on it - she then offered to call the blood transfusion people and it turned out I was tested for anitbodies in Dec last year and Sept this year and there were none - why the feck did nobody tell me that ???! Anyway, plan of action now is to get hormones tested by GP, go for MC bloods early Dec and then chase the results from early Jan. If the appt we are given with NHS consultant is weeks and weeks away we will get GP to refer to private clinic and see a consultant there quickly - also if tests have all been done on NHS we save a fortune wink. So, I just have to accept that all is on hold and for now and i get to enjoy some festive tipples before getting back 'on the horse' early next year. Not ideal given my impatience but not much choice and my body needs a break.
I feel so much better with a plan grin

BuddhaBelly Thu 01-Nov-12 11:59:38

Murray All sounds scarily similar to our experience although 21 day bloods done by our gp first. It did feel like a waste of time and a massive let down tbh as I so wanted to "fix" whatever was wrong sad but I suppose it's another step towards our goal. I didn't want to go down the referral route again this time but it looks as if we don't have a choice sad In a twisted horrible way it is such a huge relief to be going through this with someone who "gets" it but I just wish we didn't have too angry

BuddhaBelly Thu 01-Nov-12 12:00:31

Chin up and start stocking up on bubbly I'll probably be joining you for a glass wink

gomurray Thu 01-Nov-12 12:09:49

Buddha I know it is a help to know someone else genuinely understands - but rubbish that we are both in this situation. Why were you so keen to avoid the referral route again ? Thanks for listening and for your support, means a lot xx I do have lots of great friends in RL but after almost a year of droning on about baby making and the crap that goes with it I am reluctant to harp on ALL the time about it - they must be soooo bored of it !

BuddhaBelly Thu 01-Nov-12 13:17:11

I know exactly what you mean, I keep quiet about most of my thoughts and feelings as my RL friends must be soooo bored with it wink I just didn't want "intervention" again I suppose sad I just thought after all we went through, the 3 mcs the constant worry of losing another pg, m/s all the way through, placenta previa, spd resulting in crutches. Early birth, spinal puncture, nearly losing E, SCBU. I thought maybe we'd get a break this time (how stupid was I?) I'm such a whinge bucket wink

BuddhaBelly Mon 05-Nov-12 07:08:54

Did I scare you off with my whinging? wink
Took E to some fireworks last night, I was a bit nervous as he's ears are v sensitive to loud noises with his grommets but he loved it. Was shouting "again again" at the end and complaining it was too short, little monkey grin

gomurray Mon 05-Nov-12 20:41:51

Ha ha as if ! I am a moaning expert myself wink

We avoided fireworks as my E also has sensitivity to loud noises - he has always been freaked out by loud noises albeit he is far better now that he is older but I didn't fancy traipsing out in the cold for him to decide he didn't much like the noise ! We saw plenty from the window over the weekend and loads tonight grin

So how are you feeling this week ? When do you go for bloods ? Do you temp so you know when you ov'd or are you pretty regular ? I am about to start reading one of 2 books I bought the other day about raising an only child. Trying to accept that may be our situation now and make the best of it by seeing as many positives as possible instead of dwelling on what we are missing out on. Fingers crossed I convince myself it will all be good smile. I'm mega busy at work so time is flying in which is both good and bad. Been quite emotional recently with the highs and lows and anniversary approaching - really need to cheer up a bit !

BuddhaBelly Thu 08-Nov-12 13:15:32

No bloods booked in as not had a +ve opk sad this month, first time ever. Dh hasn't sorted his tests out, showing great commitment there then hmm What are the books like? Might be buying those too at this rate wink Are you going to mark the anniversary in anyway?

gomurray Fri 09-Nov-12 13:53:50

Aww Buddha sounds like you are having a rubbish time of it too. That is rotten that you have had no +be opk. Have you had EWCM ? I'm guessing you use opks instead of temping ?... And DH is hardly helping is he ?! At least there is nothing you can do about your delay. There is not much I can say to help other than GPs are always keen to point out that anovlatory cycles are normal especially over for 35s - so I guess it is most likely nothing to worry about but just really bl00dy bad timing.
The book I started the other night is ok - nothing so far to massively convince me that I really want E to remain an only child. It has made me aware of a few pitfalls to avoid that I think we are already falling into - nothing ground breaking but it has been helpful to reinforce my suspicions. The book does have a section about families that have not chosen to have an only child for whatever reason and how that makes you feel - I'm on that bit so not sure if it will have any enlightening suggestions... I'll keep you updated. It is helpful in making me think about how to handle the situation and accept that it is not a 'bad' thing.

gomurray Fri 09-Nov-12 13:57:07

oh sorry forgot to answer about anniversary. Not sure tbh. I had toyed with the idea of taking the day off work and going to the local memorial garden but I'll have time off the day before for bloods and am mega busy - plus DP unlikely to get tine off and I don't want to go alone. Will probably just raise a glass to him at home on the day and maybe go to the garden the weekend before. Shit am welling up just thinking about it sad.

BuddhaBelly Sat 10-Nov-12 06:35:37

Temping was always a pain in the arse for me so just do opks, need to order some more now too (was so hoping not too) sad DH and I have had a few heartfelt discussions the last few wks over to ttc or not and last night he turned round blushand said "gut reaction answer- do you want another baby?" It was yes for both of us so we will continue on this journey for a little longer but I'm finding it harder and harder emotionally to cope with. Pitfalls of only child? Apart from spoiling them what else is there? Would be interested to know (probably doing all of them) hmm
whatever feels right for you on the anniversary will obviously be the right thing x

gomurray Sun 11-Nov-12 20:45:19

Buddha that is good that you both agree on the fundamental issue that you want another baby - just a pity it is not as easy as just SWI and 'hey presto'.

DP announced today that he is going away with work on the anniversary of losing our baby - great timing sad.

The pitfalls are just things that you would expect like spoiling them and the child being poor at sharing and interacting with other children, maybe becoming lonely without an ally. Also, interstingly there is a lot of focus on the fact that the parents will give their only child a lot of attention which is great for their development, however you can end up putting a lot of pressure on the child as all of your hopes and dreams are pinned on them - there are no others to share the burden of your expectations so they can feel like they haven't lived up to what you'd hoped etc... I found this bit very interesting as it made complete sense but I hadn't really given it much thought before. I'll let you know if there is anything else worth knowing. Definitely a book worth a look, albeit I am not bowled over by it !

BuddhaBelly Tue 13-Nov-12 22:03:18

sad that dh will be away (what date is it?) Maybe you could so something at the same time on the day, we always release a Chinese candle on Es birthday as a remembrance for our lost little ones.
Interesting about the book, I do worry that E gets a LOT of attention from me, and he shuts dh out a lot so had already decided in the new year to take small steps back to improve their relationship and me a break-- wink
Well my other regular thread I'm now officially the last woman standing (one lovely lady who was ttc%231 has recently left the thread) as all that were ttc are now pg sad Feel like here on our thread is the only place I've got to go now even though they are all fantastic ladies but we all have diff priorities and I worry I'll bang on and on about my ttc issues and bore them to death winkgrin

gomurray Thu 15-Nov-12 10:32:36

Aww you stick with me Buddha and we'll get there eventually. I had GP appt today and as I suspected she was lovely. She has booked me in the have day 3, 14, 21, 28 bloods taken in my next cycle - even though my cycles are irregular she thinks these intervals will work well. She has also suggested that I am tested for thyroid problems so will have bloods taken for that too - she is such a lovely lady smile. Bless her she didn't have a clue when I asked about hormone tracking but got straight onto her PC (hopefully not googling !) and got it all sorted for me. I asked what would be done if there was a problem and she very honestly admitted that she didn't have a clue but would find out ! Anyway, I have yet another AWOL egg this cycle - day25 and no rise angry. However, frustrations aside I have taken a very patient and sensible decision this morning to skip TTC next cycle. Partly to give my body another month to recover and also to allow myself the festive period to relax and quite frankly drink lots and enjoy myself guilt-free. Then hopefully by January I'll start to get answers and can TTC again. I reckon there is no point trying now until I find out what the problem is - it will just mean another 6+ week cycle and mess up the following cycle which means further delay. I'm hoping patience now will pay off later smile.
That is such a lovely idea to release a lantern - not sure I could cope with that and I'm pretty sure DP would baulk at the idea of something so concrete to mark the day. He said the other day that we shouldn't turn it into a big deal as it was such a sad day - this really upset me as all I could think was that it was still the day out boy was delivered - of course it was sad but I don't want him to just be forgotten about. I know DP will argue that he will never be forgotten but I just don't want to ignore the day. In some ways I'm now thinking it will be good that DP is away as it means I can take some time in the evening (when he was delivered) to look at the memory box and have a good old cry - if DP was there he would be trying to 'make me better' and stop me crying when that is not what I need. Anyway, enough rambling I am blubbing like a baby typing this xx

BuddhaBelly Sat 17-Nov-12 08:42:06

Sounds as if your GP is wonderful like mine, it really helps to get someone on your side so to speak smile
angry to the missing egg this month, would clomid help that?
I'm waiting until next cycle for bloods as I didn't ov, af was due yesterday but no sign, although I know I'm not pg and even though there was no single reason to think I was I still tested yesterday (such a glutton for punishment) and surprise surprise it was -ve
Got to order some more OPKs today from ebay, whats worse is the ones that I've just finished using belong to one of my friends at work who has just gone on maternity leave so not only did she get pg within 2 months of trying but she'll have had the bloody baby and I'm stll trying ffs angry
Deep breath, rant over smile I can fit another cycle in before Christmas if af arrives soon, so will have another go wink
With regard to your little boys anniversary, I'm not sure why most men don't feel the need to mark anniversarys but us girlies do? I know we are more emotional creatures but obviously sentimental too. I think having a look at the memory box will be theraputic for you, light a candle, get a glass of vino and sob, bet you will feel much better the next day x x x

gomurray Sun 25-Nov-12 20:28:42

Buddha any update ? Did AF finally arrive ? Hopefully you are onto a new cycle where you can have bloods done and give it a go for a alcohol-free Xmas wink.

My egg finally arrived on cd26 so am now waiting for AF to arrive on Tue/Wed then start bloods on cd3. Had a total wobble this week as called up to arrange a nurse appt for bloods on approx day 3 (Fri) and was told there was no nurse appt for bloods until 6 days later - useless ! The horrible receptionist said that I'd have to tell her what I needed a specific appt for so I just told that the GP had added details to my notes and an appt 6 days late was no good for me - the receptionists there can be dreadful (same one that had me in tears a couple of months back). Anyway, she said she'd have to talk to GP and get back to me. Following day I had a bit of an emotional meltdown as was soooo frustrated that all I wanted was to have my hormones tracked but a simple appt with the nurse was too much to ask of the NHS with stupid protocols and rules - apparently the nurse only does bloods on specific days - arrgghhh give me a fecking needle, show me what to do and I'll do it myself (and I HATE needles)!!!!!! Anyway a day later she finally called back and gave me an appt for the day I'd requested but told me I'd prob have to hang around as they had (oh so generously) squeezed me into a full schedule !! FFS !!!! Anyway, I have no idea how tricky it is going to be getting my subsequent appts as one of them will fall around xmas eve/day !! I will be LIVID if they can't take my blood when they are supposed to and I miss yet another cycle.
Generally I have been struggling. Not sure if it is hormones or just a mild form of depression but am really struggling to pull myself up at the moment - I am a moody cow and shouting and DS and DP all the time blush I have even less patience than usual - I am really no fun to be around at the moment. I can't really open up to any friends as I feel that I have bent their collective ears SOO much this past year that they will run out of patience with me soon. I tried to tell DP but he just says there is nothing we can do but wait for results and get on with life - simples ! Am hoping that the passing of the anniversary in 2 weeks helps we move on as it could be that date hanging over me that is causing my low mood. I found out this week that my friend is PG with no. 2 which is lovely but it hit me like a train as she'd told me she was stopping at 1. She is almost 41 and has had MC issues in the past so I don't grudge her the happiness for one second - just very envy.

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sat 01-Dec-12 20:20:46

Murray Sorry for late reply, been busy busy busy. Ewan's birthday, Ewan sick with two different bugs/virus, loads of sickness at work so mega stress on there too. AF did arrive and now I've ov'd this month and holding breath for the next two weeks now smile Did you finally get your bloods done on Friday? That old goat of a receptionist needs a bloody good slap by the sounds of it, what a witch!
I think you are right and it's probably a combination of things that have made you so low at the moment, the stress of ttc, bloods, hormones and the anniversary that's a lot going on for anyone let alone us insane, baby obsessed people wink Seriously though take it easy on yourself, I know you wanted to be pg before now and probably really thought you would be, but know you are doing everything you can and it WILL happen, PMA mrs PMA!
I'm supposed to be getting my 7dpo bloods done this month now I've ov'd but that would be Saturday when they are not open sad not sure what to do now, bloody hell!

HoHoHoMoreBaubles Tue 04-Dec-12 14:33:26


I lost you guys there for a while! Hope everyone is oksmile

Im going to try and catch up later on and post properly but i wanted to pop my head in to say i am aroundsmile

gomurray Wed 05-Dec-12 22:18:35

Hi HoHoHo is that you Ei ?

Buddhawhat did you do about 7dpo bloods ? Did you go Fri/Mon ? I had a similar situation as 3dpo turned out to be a Sunday so I went on the Monday - given the problems I had getting nurse attps I was just grateful that they were taking bloods atall ! And delayed cycle meant that my bloods appts no longer clash with Xmas - phew ! I have all dates in diary but post ov bloods may have to be rebooked if ov goes AWOL again.

Hoe are you feeling and how many dpo are you ?... Keep us posted mrs...wink

I'm feeling ok about things - had a big heart to heart with DP so things are going better between us now. 2 very good friends have announced their PG in the last week so feeling a bit sore about that - am so happy for them but it stings that I am not joining them... yet ! Trying to keep PMA - need to listen to my own advice as have def been slipping recently with positive thinking. I have also had several colds, sore throats etc... not sure whether feeling low has reduced my ability to fight infection or if the lack of acupuncture is causing me to feel low - when I was going I NEVER had any ailments atall - and I slept sooo well - recently I have been sleeping really poorly, wakling up in the middle of the night then unable to get back to sleep. I really don't want to go back to Dr. Needles but I can't help having a nagging feeling that it actually did me a lot of good in terms of health and emotional state... even if it didn't get me PG ! No plans for next Tuesday - just plan to have a good blub while looking through the memory box - will be glad when the date is passed as it is hanging over me horribly.

Mummylimited Sat 08-Dec-12 11:40:26

Hello ladies

Thought I would just pop in and offer my support and let you know I'm thinking of you all.

I'm sure this time will be really hard for you gomurray, as you say once the date is passed you may feel brighter. Being ill doesn't help anything. I've had just a cold this week and have been feeling so down. My two are now running rings around me and it's just got to me, but I know that my ability not to be positive and just handle everyday life as I normally do has a lot to do with feeling under the weather and I don't have all your stresses.

It's so hard when every one around you seems to be pregnant. I remember it well. I even feel it now and we're not even trying yet!

I will try to pop in more ofte

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 20:16:27

Hello HoHoHo smile
Murray I was supposed to go for bloods Friday but I was poorly sick in bed with an awful virus/cold thing so didn't make it, will have to wait until next cycle now. I am 8 dpo at the moment, AF is due Saturday, I've got myself ridiculously hopeful and just now I'm going to get smacked in the face when AF arrives, I think after failing to get pg before my 40th I'd set the next target in my head that I would be pg by Christmas (Why do we do this to ourselves??) Just got to think that I would be able to get horribly drunk at the Christmas party and a few tipples over the festive period rather than another opportunity lost wink
How are you feeling as Tuesday looms? More pg people angry just not cricket is it? Fingers crossed you will be joining them very very soon. Have you made a decision about Dr Needles yet? Have you OV'd yet?
Mummyltd What do you mean not trying yet??? Are you thinking of another?

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