Does anyone else on here not remember their mum?

[Cosmosis]

My mum died when I was a child and I don?t really have many memories of her. I had ds last year but I am struggling a bit at the moment and I think it?s because I don?t really have a role model. When I say I?m struggling, I don?t think that?s the right word really as I don?t have any particular issues with ds, and I?m happy with the choices we have made so far (I wouldn?t do anything different next time) and he is a happy little boy. I think I have built up in my head this image of an idealised ?mother figure? and mother /child relationship and I am terrified that I am not going to live up to that. DH continually reassures me he thinks I am doing a great job, but I am just really frightened that I am going to let my son down somehow.

I was just wondering if there was anyone out there who has a clue what I am waffling on about?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not directly. But I used to be married to a man that lost his mother in childhood and didn't have a great relationship with his father. So I recognise the 'ideal mother' description because he spent a lot of his life trying either trying to live up to this fictionally perfect mother character or going all out to impress the father that had no time for him. Do you know people who remember your mother? Could you talk to them and ask them what she was really like - warts and all? Might help you take her off the pedestal a little.

FWIW those of us with living mothers also have times of doubt about our skills as mothers. Contending with tall tales like 'you never cried as a baby'... 'all my children were potty-trained age 10mo'... 'in my day we just left them outside the shop in a pram and nothing ever happened' :) And if it's not a mother passing on this wisdom, it's someone else.

All any of us can do is believe in our instincts, trust our own judgement, get to know our children and do the best we can with what we've got. Listen to your DH... sounds like a very sensible chap.

[Cosmosis]

Yes, you are right DH is very sensible, and is really helping me on this issue. It?s not really that I am doubting my parenting, as I said I am actually happy with decisions we have made so far (although am very much aware we have only done the easy bit!).

Unfortunately, as a family we don?t really talk about her. I have no siblings and no grandparents left. My mother?s brother is still around, but at the other end of the country and we don?t have a phoning up and chatting kind of relationship. Ironically the person I can talk to about her most is my stepmother, who was a family friend before she married my father, we have a pretty good relationship and since she married my dad about 14 years ago we have talked about my mum more than in the 17 years before that.

It?s not even that I particularly have MY mother on a pedestal tbh. I think it?s more that as it?s something I lacked growing up, the role has become exaggerated in its importance to me. Does that make sense? Not really sure if I can explain what I mean.

Thanks very much for your reply it has helped.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It would make sense if you wanted your children to have the mother you never had. Despite my mother being alive, there are certain aspects to her personality that I really don't want to replicate with my own child. I think everyone has experiences from their childhood that they either want their own children to share or that they want to protect them from.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

My mother is very much alive, but I had such a strange relationship with her growing up that I dont remember any mothering as such. She did everything she had to do, but it was very much out of duty rather than the adoring love i feel for my DC, or at least that how it appeared to me.

She moved countries not long after I moved out, I see her twice a year. She has no tales to tell of mothering me and my siblings, its not a stage she wants to remember, she has moved on and is enjoying her new life in spain (her words :( )i cant take anything from her. I often 'forget' I have a mother and honestly feel as though she died a long time ago.

I feel it the most when I am pregnant and when i have a newborn. Everyone else has their mother around cooing and being excited, i really miss that, I feel very envious of those that have that relationship, and everyone always seems to assume my mom will care....''i bet your mom cant wait'' ''will she be coming over after the birth'' ''i bet she really misses the kids'' no, no and no. :(

I dont worry to much about how i stand up as a mother myself. I honestly dont think my children will feel about me the way I do about mine, thats all I hope for really, and that they understand I did my best. But you cant really assess that until they are grown up so a while to wait. Im sure you are a lovely mother, you wouldnt be questioning it if you werent :)