Need to fix my anger(9 Posts)
I really need help to sort myself out before my DCs start to hate or fear me. Prior to having them I barely had any patience so really surprised myself when DS1 came along and I had the patience of a saint! Nothing to be proud of necessarily but I felt I was a great mum and coped well. Anyway DS1 is now 2.10 and DS2 is 10 mo. Again I have unlimited patience with the baby but I find myself constantly getting angry and shouting at DS1. And I mean barely an hour goes by that I don't lose it with him. My most common phrase goes along the lines of "your not a baby anymore fgs, hurry up, don't do that, do this, do that" etc. All shouted out, accompanied by flailing arms and angry teeth .But once they're in bed and I rehash my awful days I of course realise he is still a baby. He's only 2.
So I can be patient and loving so why am I so horrid to DS1? Most importantly, how do I go about stopping my anger? I should add he does nothing wrong and is a really placid, loving toddler. I can just picture both DSs cowering away from me .
'Count to 10'. You know what you're about to say so stop, breathe in, take a pause, smile perhaps and decide to say something less ratty. What you've got is a bad habit, and the way to fix bad habits is to keep rehearsing a different habit until it sticks.
As a suggestion, I'd include saying to yourself 'he's only three' when you take that pause.
I sometimes get too angry with my ds and feel terrible afterwards.
I find techniques that help me are to really imagine myself at his age and really take in how young that is. Also to try and imagine how he feels as I tell him off/shout at him etc. If I think of how I felt when my parents shouted at me when I was little this helps me to put myself in his shoes.
Other techniques include walking away from the situation and allowing yourself to calm down. You could imagine a film crew is in your house following you around, this may also help.
Everyone has done the same. You just need to concentrate on controlling your reactions to him. It's very hard, especially with a younger lo. Just remember having a younger sibling is an adjustment for him too
I started reading 'Anger management for dummies' and have found it quite useful and interesting so far.
I'm afraid your not alone OP I'm feeling rotten for shouting at DD2, for not doing anything really wrong. Just being winggy and attention seeking (she's 10 she should know better, but sometimes she wants the world to revolve around her) I know she only does it when she's feeling slightly out of sorts and that I shouldn't yell at her, but it really winds me up.
I think the problem for toddlers with a baby sibling is that mum can see them as 'grown up' when, of course, they're not. So they do things that are typical for their age but, because they're not acting like the much older, more self-sufficient creature you've got in your mind, it's irritating rather than charming. Resulting in "you're not a baby any more"... when a lot of the time, they are.
As well as looking for ways to pause and change the script, I'd also suggest making a big effort to spend one-on-one time with the eldest. Either when the baby is taking a nap or if you can park them on granny for the afternoon. That can help if there's any aspect of attention-seeking going on.
My DH has the patience of a saint and I don't have any! He has a phrase he uses out loud when his dd's are playing him up and it even makes me smile and stop and think and really puts into perspective what is actually happening.
He says "Honestly, you children are just SO CHILDISH sometimes.
In mean - that's what they are, because that's what they are!
Don't beat yourself up, we are all just human, but try and use something like that to lighten the moment because the moment will soon pass and you'll then feel better for not snapping.
i have been feeling and acting like this for a while and there have been quite a few threads about angry parents on MN that i have read recently.
it comes down to (for me) how tired i am, how much time i've had away from the kids to myself. that's it. when i've had a good rest and some time to myself i am a different person.
i've also been reading a lot of playful parenting, unconditional parenting and attachment parenting to put things into perspective. the thing i'm focusing on is to treat them with respect, how i would want to be treated and spoken to.
my toddler and pre-schooler need reminding constantly of the routine to get anything done, all day long - we need to do this now, we're going out in a bit but we need to brush teeth and ..... first. etc etc etc! i'm also giving my 2yr old 2 options how he does things - are you going to get into bed or am i going to put you in bed, do you want me or daddy to help you? then he has to do one of them!
i really struggle with the childish behaviour thing because my older 2 copy a lot of the baby's behaviour, but i keep telling myself they can't help it and they won't be doing it when they start school when they are surrounded by other 4yr olds.
Definately count to ten, leave room and take a deep breath... He is stilll quite little and you don't want him to feel that the new baby has something to do with mummy getting cross.
Its exhausting being a parent - 24 hours a day and the mummy-radar never switches off. You need to find some time on your own (if possible) and also some 1-2-1 time with him - even if it's baking fairy cakes together or watching Tom and Jerry when the baby is asleep.
We all lost it! I have the 'scary mummy face' apparently - and that isn't when I am yelling either (more the slow boil face when he knows I am about to errupt). I try to walk away - easier I know when they are bigger.
Just remember, this too will pass.....
You are definitely not alone - I am also guilty of this. I have days where I have more patience than others (like yourself had the patience of a saint) but when I do not....I feel soooo guilty for being cross at my DS...who is only 15 months. As all these ladies have expressed...you are not alone & there are contributing factors.
I have never had help with my DS..DH works long hours. But since working for a few hours at a weekend...having the break has really put things into perspective & helped with my outbursts.
We all know how you are feeling.
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