I dont really know where to start. We have had some issues with him for the last few years, and it is hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is.
We need to eradicate some behavioural traits, and I just dont know how.
To start with his good points.
He is bright, loves school work, has a good sense of humour, is easy going. Loves to be active, cycling, skiing, mountain walking. He loves his younger brother and is very attentive to him, and other younger childrens needs. He is helpful, will on his own accord help setting the table, empty the dishwasher, etc.
On the other hand. He is sometimes acting out of character, but it is becoming so often now, that it seems to really be part of his character.
He can suddenly be rude, and say the strangest things. Like this evening, his dad was asking "do you want cereals with milk" and he replies "No, I want poo poo with milk".
He can suddenly start monkeying about, making strange noises and odd movements of his limbs. It is not cool. Other kids just raise their eyebrows at this.
We were going for a walk earlier, and his brother was on the scooter, and quite a bit ahead of us. DS2 came up to a junction, and shouted back to us "Shall I cross the road or wait?" DH said to him to wait for us.
There were parked cars, and difficult to see if any cars were coming.
DS1 shouts out "Cross the road, just cross the road!" Dh said "No, he cant just cross the road" and raises his voice going "NO DONT CROSS!" and ds2 shouted loudly, "CROSS THE ROAD!!!" and laughed. We were really cross with him. He did not know why he said this, he had not thought about the consequences.
Back home they were playing Battle Ship. He cheated in the game, and refused to admit to cheating. Was instead basking in the glory of winning, until confronted. No, he did not think it wrong to cheat, and he had not thought about the consequences.
We had an issue in school where he had scratched his bottom and waved his hands in the face of another boy. Word of this of course spread like wildfire, and the classmates were discussed. The teacher was appaled. She was really disappointed in him. I was shocked. It turned out that the other boy had kept putting his finger in his mout and prodded spit on him, so my son thought he should do something equally disgusting. Of course, the other boy did not admit to starting this, and was just laughing at my son getting into trouble.
It seems to happen again and again. He just does not think. Do stupid things.
He is new in the class this year. He kept doing similar stuff in his old school too, and ended up bullied, and with very few friends. I have told him this was his chance to start a fresh, and make new friends. And instead he does this.
He can be so nice, such a great boy, and then he goes and ruin it for himself with inappropriate behaviour, thoughtlessness and just pure lack of understanding of cause and effect.
His teacher said that in the month since he has started he has done really good schoolwork. There are sudden bursts of surprising sillyness and odd behaviour.
The week before he had started calling another boy in his class names, and the other boy hit him. He did not realize that the other children would not look kindly upon him calling their friend names and that this would make him unpopular. He just did not think, and he did not know why he did it.
I just dont know what to do about it. It seems no matter what we say, or explain to him, he just keeps doing silly thinks without thinking. He seems at times socially inept. No matter what consequences his behaviour has, like losing his scooter, or not being able to play on the Ipad, it doesnt work. He does not care. He just looks sullen, withdrawn, and goes "ok, if you say so".
Any suggestions?
I cannot have the same nightmare situation here in London as we had in Norway, with the school calling me weekly about YET another situation..... 
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
Problems with my 9 year old son
QuintessentialDead · 09/10/2011 21:09
I have lost all sense of perception. I just dont know whether the problem is his behaviour, or my perception of his behaviour. Maybe he is behaving totally normal, and I am clamping down really hard on what is essentially normal 9 year old boy behaviour? I just dont know.
Sounds 'normal silly' to me. In my other life, I'm a cub-leader and spend lots of time with kids aged 8 - 10. Some are very grown-up, some are very immature and there are always a few in the middle that are quite sensible most of the time but seem to 'crack' occasionally and do something incredibly stupid for no apparent reason. Sometimes it's simply to make everyone laugh. Sometimes they're going along with a fun game but want to take it a bit too far and don't realise it's not funny any more. Sometimes they literally don't think of the consequences ... like the boy I found inside his tent 'whittling' with a knife (given to him by his Dad 
) totally oblivious to the holes he was gouging in his sleeping bag. Or the boy that rolled around in a muddy patch having a great time but ended up having to go home in his pyjamas because he didn't factor in that he didn't have any more clean clothes.
Obviously you've got to point out when he oversteps the mark but I would ask, does he have plenty of opportunities to go a bit nuts and lark about? Or is his life quite restrained and controlled?
As a mother of 2 boys, one who is nine, I would say it's all normal, apart form the telling his DB to cross the road. I would be cross about that
I spend a bit of time with my boys, almost once a day *(!) to explain the difference between funny-silly (as that exists!) and naughty-silly. I also have to explain that what may be acceptable at home, or with silly uncles, is not appropriate at school.
I think you need to lower your expectations a bit. Also, he will be corrected by his peers. I must say that I really like boys and their silly energy, and find it a challenge to make sure they are clear about boundaries though (no talking about pee and poo and farts at the table, that sort of thing). They do need time when it is allowed to be really silly.
The poo-poo with milk would be regarded as the hight of sophistication and with in this house, by boys by the way ! 
. They seem to have a poo and bottom obsession (sigh....)
My DS was lovely and kind and thoughtful and sensible and sensitive to others and in the last 18 months (9 - 10) has become similar to yours - not bullied at school but very concerned if he doesn't have the right bag, shoes, pants! he will get laughed at - he was worried because he had a spot on his nose that people would tease him - every now and then when I'm at my wits end I see a glimpse of my lovely little boy so I know he's still there somewhere just deep down and buried for now - I'm thinking it's an age thing and it's similar to the toddler one where they are asserting their individuality as an entity separate from us - it's a pre teen glimpse (let me get off now!!!) but I also think you need to stay firm and consistent and let them know you love them - keeping rules consistent helps with this - and do your best to know that like all the other times it is a phase - now off to take my own advice -
Thank you for reassuring messages. It is a relief to read that this is reasonably normal. But, I feel like a pretty crap parent for over reacting and misunderstanding his behaviour, and making it out to be worse than it is.
Any room for sillyness?
Maybe there isnt. He used to monkey about and be silly on the trampoline, but we dont have one at the moment. We dont joke much.
Maybe dh and I are just too serious and expect too much.
Maybe we are ruining our lovely boys confidence by nitpicking on him?
How can I be a more easy going parent? I feel that I am forever sending him "looks" to hint at him to modify his behaviuor. I dont see other parents doing that!
The last three years have been so shit. So heavy duty with problems and issues. Two international moves, building a house, sorting out my mums diagnosis which eventually led to her being sectioned, sorting out my dads care situation, problems with tax authorities with double taxations and shit, health issues for dh, and just generally one problem after the other cropping up. Laughter left our home in these years. I am adamant that now we are back in the UK, life MUST improve. For all of us.
Oh, I give looks all the time, and correct the kids.
The idea is they get so sick of it, they'll behave as I want them to to avoid the nagging and the looks
Like you, we have had to deal with emigration twice, and health problems, and I find these things can make children "regress" a bit.
my DS1 best friend is very silly and lots of parents (mainly parents of girls) find him a bit of a pickle, but I think it's nice for DS to have his "partner in crime" and they usually don't overstep the mark (fingers crossed! One time they decided to get naked and throw water at eachother and throw all the lego down the stairs when they were pretending to be monkey babies 
. I DID shout and made them tidy up!!! Tis my job....
I think taking boy(s) swimming and to the park are great ways of letting them be silly and monkeying around under supervision.
You'll be fine. You can't stop kids having fun if you tried! Just take him out and about with a mate.
you are being hard on yourself, we all give the looks, its just we don't notice others doing it as we are focusing on our own DC's behaviour.
We have had a similar 3 years in different ways and are just starting to get our happy boy back after a concerted effort from DH and I to back off and relax - its hard though, we only correct them because we care. 
Yes to inviting boys for tea.
I always find it a bit of a headache, but worth it.
Also, enjoy your 9 y old boy! They really are quite funny and sweet at this age (if cheeky, full of themselves and coming up with too many poo jokes as well).
Remember to still give lots of hugs and kisses, boys this age need it especially I think (even if they pretend they don't)
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.