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Did I do the right thing in speaking to this parent?

(22 Posts)
Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 10:01:37

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Sep-11 10:17:01

I think, if I were you, I wouldn't say any more to the parents & simply keep DD2 at a distance from the ex-friend... or at least not throw them together where she can be picked on. And then I'd be making far more of it with school who should be doing much more in terms of anti-bullying and anti-exclusion. 'Be friends again' isn't really good enough. You need to write formally to the teacher, copying the headteacher and demanding an action plan on how to stop what's happening. Say that your DD is very upset and you don't send her to school to be bullied. If you want to escalate anything, escalate that side of it.

Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 10:26:30

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Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 10:35:32

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Sep-11 10:46:59

Then really do take it up with the school. Make a nuisance of yourself and demand something happens. My DS had problems with exclusion and being picked on at one point and, like you, I was far too charitable, thought it was just something kids did, and was not nearly pushy enough whilst, all the time, my child was suffering.

It was my best friend actually who told me to grow a pair smile and get a lot more demanding with the teaching staff writing letters etc. Apparently 'everyone else does it' because they know that the only way to get taken seriously is to make a massive fuss. I did and it was amazing how things turned around in short order.

WhoWhoWhoWho Fri 30-Sep-11 10:53:28

I think you couldn't really help talking to the parent about it in that situation could you so don't worry about it.

Definitely focus on the school being more proactive in nipping this in the bud. I think what you told your dd is fine and ideally this is the message the teacher should also be sending out in class. All kids fall out from time to time, they may well make up again in the future who knows but in the meantime they should be encouraged to be polite and not exclude or make antagonising comments.

Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 11:00:02

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CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 30-Sep-11 11:56:30

Without wishing to sound heartless, stuff the other girl. There are moments in your life as a parent where you have to be very single-minded, stick up for your own kid's absolute right to go to school and not be made to feel miserable, and not give a hoot about other people's feelings. Maybe there is something behind this child's nasty behaviour but so what? ... it's the child's problem and their parents' problem. And maybe you did used to work with the teaching staff at the school but that's irrelevant ... their duty and responsibility is to care for your child in loco parentis. Which isn't happening.

You're obviously a considerate and caring person but I think you're letting down your DD by trying to be too even-handed. Be 100% on her side for once and kick some ass....

JeremyVile Fri 30-Sep-11 12:02:21

Absolutely agree with corgito, ESP that last post.

Good luck.

Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 14:06:57

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cakesandale Fri 30-Sep-11 14:13:52

Y5, Y4, Y3 and for all I know, Yr 6 as well. sad

Girls really can be absolutely vile. Much more so with the emotional and verbal stuff than boys.

I agree that you should stick up for your dd, get tough with the school, and stuff the other girl's feelings for now. It's become a habit and it needs to be broken, it's not unfortunately a one-off that you can overlook.

Best of luck.

wannaBe Fri 30-Sep-11 14:14:21

not excusing the school, but if your dd and this girl have been friends throughout school, perhaps the school see it as just a temporary falling out, which often happens, hence why they have told them to be friends again.

Makiko Fri 30-Sep-11 14:43:19

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lilackaty Fri 30-Sep-11 22:18:28

Also do you know exactly what your dd said to her teacher? I think you need to make sure the teacher is fully aware of what has been going on before you go in and get angry. It absolutely needs to be stopped and dealt with effectively by the school but they can't do that unless they know excatly what has happened as in how long it has been going on, how upset your dd is about it and how regularly it is happening.
It is awful and I really hope you are able to sort it out satisfactorily.

lilackaty Fri 30-Sep-11 22:20:29

Sorry - I just realised I didn't answer your actual question: yes, I think you did do the right thing. I went through something similar at school and my parents speaking to my "friend"s parents made a difference. I hope I didn't sound unsympathetic; that wasn't my intention.

Makiko Sat 01-Oct-11 09:45:09

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myheadsamarley Sat 01-Oct-11 18:43:20

fwiw i feel some of your pain and want to encourage you (if I can)

i think (as the mum of an 8 yr old girl,and two younger boys so that one hasn't hit me yet!!) it is always advisable and indeed 'the right thing' to try and talk to other parents as misunderstandings quickly escalate and kids aren't always the best at grasping the sensitivities of a situation..
that said only this summer(complete with newborn) i experienced an idiotic guardian who dumped her kid at our house whenever she could and the favour was never ever returned - i had to bar their phone from ringing our house due to continued nuisance calls from the child (who incidentally is in my dc's class at school.) clearly a difficult situation at their house....
i have gradually found there is nothing i can do other than try to look after the interests and self-esteem of my own child although myheart goes out to the other child who is allowed to watch big brother, gets turfed out all day and is able to say to my daughter 'i've rigged a camera in your room and I have seenyou naked...' cue frantic butunderplayed handling by myself and her dad trying to calm her.confused

Makiko Tue 04-Oct-11 10:56:21

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TheFoosa Tue 04-Oct-11 11:08:03

I am experiencing this exact situation with my dd who is also 9

small school, not many girls and friends being nasty and excluding dd

it's a minefield, isn't it sad

Makiko Tue 04-Oct-11 11:13:22

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MyBaby1day Sat 08-Oct-11 03:13:19

Like TheFoosa says it's a minefield but no you did the RIGHT thing in my view. Your Daughter was becoming sad and you spoke up, these things survive in secrecy!!. If they're strict then GOOD!, her Dad should give her a telling off for her appalling behaviour, i know she's just a kid right now but too many of these people grow up to be unpleasant adults!. I'm half Asian and so i know it's good to speak out against bad things said about you!. If this girl no longer wanted to be such a close friend fair enough but NO back-biting!. Zero tolerance. Hope your Daughter is cool and finds a new friend soon smile x

Makiko Sat 08-Oct-11 12:39:08

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