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MY 10 YEAR OLD SON KEEPS CORRECTING ME AND ITS MAKING ME FEEL VERY LOW AS A SINGLE PARENT..HELP(21 Posts)
My almost 10 year old so has a habit of correcting me and not only does it make me feel like i know nothing on parenting but know nothing at all. I separated from his father when he was 4 yrs and had loads of problems with his father )was posted here years ago as he was abducted! But my son wont stop correcting me....on everything! The time, the weather, the school, the way i speak,directions and mostly everything else. Its getting to a point where he is getting upset at night time cause i have told him that i am the adult and what i say generally goes and to stop telling me that i am wrong all the time. I seem to notice it when he is getting towards going to his fathers for the weekend or when he has come back (he goes every other weekend - his father lives over 100 miles away with his GF and her kids aged 4 yr and 15yrs). My son also will roll his eyes, at me when i tell him off or answer me back etc. Aside from this we otherwise have a great relationship when he is not 'on one', we have loads of hugs,kisses and have a very strong relationship. Just lately tho the way he is with me makes me tell him off then he ends up in tears and i then find im crying too. I cant help but think im a crap parent, and that he will say he preferes being at his dads (who lets him do what the hell he likes..eg staying up till midnight etc). My son isnt a tear away kid, not very boyish, a typical mummy's boy i guess but why does he treat me like this and how can i curb it before he is a snotty little teenager? How do i put him right? He has gone to bed twice this week in tears saying when i tell him off he thinks i dont love him...obviously i tell him that i do but he cant speak to me like he does. What else can i say to him?
He is not correcting you, he is challenging your authority. Saying he corrects you is agreeing that he is right.
he has to be getting that behaviour from somewhere.
is that how his dad treats him? Is that how his dad speaks to his girlfriend? what about her kids?
Have you asked him WHY he speaks to you like that? Ask him if he hears anyone else talking to people like that?
(disclaimer: my kids havent got to 10 years old yet)
Oh god you have made me cry and i work in an office lol! But not cry in a bad way...you help me feel that this is wrong. Bejeezus in answer to your questions..i have no idea how his father treats him but i know that he lets him do what he likes. ALways has, and that he has used him as a tool to get at me but thats another story. He never corrects him where he should, i have mentioned it to him and he just laughs and finds it funny.(probably in the hope that one day my son will say he want to go live with his easy ride father). Yes i have asked my son why but he just says that he never knows that he is doing it.
Thing is i do really try hard as a single mum, i have no BF its just me and my son. I work when he his at school to provide the best for him,his father just pays his monthly £198 and no more. Refuses to pay for school clothes,trips etc. I have explained to my son that i do what i can and why does he talk to me this way. He has his 10th birthday in a wk, he is having a Sledging party with 10 friends at a cost of £150...i am now wondering how i will be treated at the party in front of his friends.
you sound like you lack confidence? Murun makes a good point i think- he is challenging you, not correcting you
DO you reprimand him when he is rude?
Hi yes i do tell him not to speak to me like that and then he goes quiet. The problem i have got is that i am running scared that he will tell his dad that i tell him off and that his dad will give me shit. At every given opportunity his father takes me to court for one thing or another. (despite the fact that his father abducted him for 6 wks after i had left him...put him in a new school and i had no idea where he was..took me 6 wks and lots of suffering for both my family and son to get him back when he was only 4 yrs old). My x only took me back to court last sept to get his passport to take him on holiday cause i refused to hand it over..this was cause he said he could take him out the country and i wouldnt even know he was gone! So i guess i am scarred of his father. Yet my son said that he would never want to go live with him cause he loves me and his home too much and he doesnt like his fathers GF. I think i just need to be stronger and occasionally i do, i will take him to one side and sit him down and tell him that he cant talk to me like he does cause its not nice..he ends up in tears and he is fine then for a few days/wks and all over me with cuddles etc and offering to do jobs and all that then he slips bak into telling me what to do etc.
Your son may well say to his dad that you told him off. So what?
You need to stop being afraid of your ex. You are parenting your son. You are his mother and you can decide how much telly he watches, how many bags of crisps he can eat, when he has to do his homework or go to bed.
That is parenting. If your ex decides to let him be feral at his house, that is up to him. Your ex has no say about what you do at home, and he might threaten you, but you need to stand up to him.
Your son knows you love him. Have confidence in yourself as a mother. It sounds like you have no one to tell you that you are doing the right thing, and it is eroding your confidence.
Sometimes i am really strong and on top of things with him but then sometimes when i am at a low he gets to me. It isnt helping cause im going into hospital for some treatment (on another talk blog!) so i am anxious about that and so everything is against me i think when im low. Bled for a month almost so hormones arent helping the situation, thanks for your support tho, im sure that it will become easier somehow..either that or he will leave home...or maybe i will come to think of it x
In my single-parent family, things are quite relaxed and jokey cheekiness is largely acceptable. But if he oversteps the mark or contradicts me (and they all do it that age) then he is cut short and apologies are required before anything else happens. Sounds like you're doing fine and just need more confidence in yourself. The ex sounds terrible.... but your DS obviously doesn't want to go that route and, if he ends up in tears, there's clearly something he's trying to get across (attention-seeking?, being 'a man'?) but he knows it's coming out wrong.
Get DS onside.... in a close mum/son single-parent relationship you have to work as a team and help each other. He may flourish if you give him some 'manly jobs' to do around the place, for example, a bit of responsibility to recognise that he's growing up. Make him your 2IC and I think he'll defend rather than attack.
Ok i will try some new approaches. Tonight for example we was at MacDonalds after his swim session...i had a mouth full of food and my son asked me a question because i didnt immediately reply as my mouth was full he said to me in a stern voice "I asked you a Question"! When i ate my mouthful of food, i told him to come here as he had walked off expecting an ice-cream. I said to him "I know that you asked me a question and i was going to answer you as soon as i could, please dont talk to me like that". Then we walked out towards the door, he asked me for an ice cream and i said to him NO, because you have disrespected me. He was then quiet for a while and rather polite with a sheepishness about him! Its very tough being a single mum with no-one to back me up, he does walk all over me sometimes as my friend tells me so i WILL have it nipped in the bud...for sure i will. Thanks for the help tho, the advice is always a good bit of strength for me.
You don't need anyone to back you up beyond the courage of your own convictions really. If you repeat what you described above often enough and if you are consistent about demanding he speaks to you respectfully then he will get the message.
Does he have positive male role models in his life? Your ex sounds particularly unpleasant and, if he is using his father as a benchmark, he'll find he's very unpopular with all kinds of authority figures. I deliberately enrolled my DS in cubs and scouts, for example. It's structured and they have to do as they're told but it's also fun, encourages them to be responsible and lets them go a bit nuts at the same time - which I think they all need.
My ds went through a phase like this last year when he was 10. Nothing in his family life that could explain it, I think it was partly nervousness about growing up and a need to assert his independence but not really being mature enough to carry it off. He is much better now he is 11 and at secondary. I usually rely on the raised eyebrows to get the message across.
Yes i tried to get him into scouts etc but the waiting list is horrendous here. Prob is there is only one male in the family besides my son and thats my dad (his grandad) but he works away from home. SO he has noone really to relate to as its all girls in the family! Apart from sons father but cant really call him a man lol x
Nothing really to add as not in a similar situation, but if Scouts have a long wait, have you tried Boys Brigade? It's having a resurgence and I'm sure they'll have a website somewhere so you can find out if there's one near you. Alternatively, a martial art class, they're usually run by guys and a quiet word with the instructor might just enable him to encourage some more positive behaviour in your son?
Doesn't have to be Scouts, of course. Any organised activity that he might enjoy and where he would be in contact with other boys and, more importantly, good men in positions of authority that will keep him in line will do the trick
My son is very shy and quiet so he isnt a real rough and tumble typical boy, and he hates trying new things..he worries a lot about meeting new people and going to new classes but i will look into them. Thanks guys
I disagree, this behavior is not necessarily LEARNED from someone!! How dare you say that? You are making her feel as if she is to be blamed! My daughter, now 19 has done this since she could talk! It drives me crazy sometimes, other days I can just blow it off! It is NOT defiance. It is there way of thinking and yes MOST times they are right. It is just how they see the world!!! You see it one way, IE, anything you walk on is the floor, they see it as what it is, literally.... the ground, the grass, the carpet, the tile, etc. People with Aspergers (high functioning autism) do exibit this personality characteristic. I am NOT diagnosing your child with Autism or Aspergers, I don't know them enough, but it is worth looking into evaluation by a professor. I DO hold degrees in Special Education and Psychology and am the mother of a daughter with Aspergers for 19 years! With a proper diagnosis, you can get resources you need for you and your son! Aspergers is more prevalent in boys than girls but they can have it too. I hope this helps you understand your son a liitle more, although it is not easy to deal with.
There's a random zombie ...
this little guy must have just done his GCSES
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