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abandoned grandson

(15 Posts)
louiesnanna Sun 25-Sep-11 10:51:45

hi,this is my first time on here,my sons ex girlfriend gave birth to his son 14 weeks ago(she has since admitted tampering with the condom!!)
anyway we were having louie every weekend as my son lives with us still,2 weeks ago she dropped the baby off for an overnight visit and the next day announced she no longer wanted him,I love louie dearly and my son is a very good and hands on dad,but i work full time as does my husband and I know just how hard bringing up a baby is,I will be having louie on my days off while my son is at work and i guess the thing is I'm just feeling very overwhelmed about how we are going to manage and whether we will do a good enough job for louie,I also have some health issues (ms and crohns) and I'm panicking about the sheer tiredness element of it all,plus things have changed so much since i had my children that i dont know if im doing things right or wrong.It breaks my heart that his mother doesnt seem to care for him,although if I'm honest I have had concerns about her care of him since he was born,I know im rambling but there seems to be so much advice on here I thought I would give it a try.

Catslikehats Sun 25-Sep-11 10:58:34

What does your son, who is presumably an adult, think about the situation? Does he work? How often? Primarily this is his responsibility and whilst it is great that you are considering helping him he needs to be the one to work this out.

Pinkiemum Sun 25-Sep-11 11:04:29

I really don't know what to say, is it possible to hire an aupair or to put the baby into child care for some of the time, can you afford someone to help clean the house for you so that is one less thing you have to do.

Is your son claiming for all the tax credits he can and is he getting the child benefit or is she.

It sounds like you are doing your best for your grandchild and your son, but you also need to take care of yourself. I hope you can get some good adivice here. You sound like a lovely Grandmother.

BobblyGussets Sun 25-Sep-11 11:05:22

Your son will need to prioritise his son above his job. It is great that you are there as a support, but that is all you should be: support, not the primary carer. Your little grandson will do well with such loving grandparents, but he has a Dad and Dad must step up.

The full time care of a newborn is not, nor should it br the responsibilty of Grandparents.

bootus Sun 25-Sep-11 11:06:19

What an awful situation. I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice and am sure someone will be along to help you with more practical advice. Firstly you sound like a wonderful grandparent. You can't do this on your own, nor should you be expected to. My initial reaction was to think what an irresponsible cow your sons ex is...but is there the possibility she is suffering with pnd? How old is she? Does she have parents, older siblings you can speak to? Maybe to share care and seek help for her. Your gp, or even her gp if you know who it is, may be able to point you in the direction of support. As for the tiredness Im afraid your son has to step up and do the night feeds, you simply can't be expected to if you work full time, have health issues and help out in the day and ultimately louie is his responsibility. First and foremost you need to seek support for you, there is life out there and somehow his mum needs to be either helped or kicked up the arse so that she can face her actions and the responsibility of her son. Good luck.

bootus Sun 25-Sep-11 11:07:45

*there is LOTS out there. Sorry, phone typing.

Tortington Sun 25-Sep-11 11:10:03

i'd seek legsl advice, straight to solicitors. to see where i stand. what i wouldnt do is pour my heart and soul, riun my health and job status, turn the family upside down for her to comeback in 2 months saying shes all partied out and she wants him again.

maybe if she gets a legal letter, she will think about her parental status.

you could also think about contacting social services and making them aware of the situation. thats what i would do.

you also need to ensure something is legal to allow your son to claim the child benefit and other benefits that go with a child

slartybartfast Sun 25-Sep-11 11:24:33

is the other grandma around? are they approachable to help at all?

wantadvice Sun 25-Sep-11 11:27:19

Surely all these issues are your sons not yours. How old is your son?

fivegomadindorset Sun 25-Sep-11 11:27:54

I agree with Custardo, you really need to seek legal advice ASAP. I have a freind in a similar situation who dumps her DD with her mother and swans off, which is when he gets to see her (very active and involved Dad) and then comes back and takes child when someone gets suss about why she is getting benefits but no child.

shesparkles Sun 25-Sep-11 11:31:37

I'd echo what others are saying about legal advice, because Louie needs stability, but please don't be worrying about what's changed since you had your children-the only "biggies" are probably car seats and laying them to sleep on their backs.
Louie needs fed, warmth and love, and it sounds like you have the love it spadefuls xx

thisisyesterday Sun 25-Sep-11 11:32:31

yes definitely seek legal advice.
is your son named on the birth certificate?

there should be plenty of support your son can access to enable you all to live happily with your grandson.
it might be worth your son looking on the entitledto.co.uk website to see if there are additional benefits he can claim that might help with some childcare (i don';t think it's fair to expect you to care for a little baby on all your days off)

slartybartfast Sun 25-Sep-11 11:33:14

have you visited a health visitor or gp for some child care advice and support?

louiesnanna Sun 25-Sep-11 12:15:57

we have started legal proceedings for a residency order so that she cant just turn up and take him back,her mother is not interested in louie either,I didnt mean it to sound as if my son wasnt stepping up to the plate ,he really is,I only have louie at night once or twice a week to give him a break,the reason i care for him on my days off is that we cant afford nursery full time and my days off are monday and tuesday ,my son does the bulk of it all but what kind of mother would I be if I didnt help as much as I can,Im hoping once the court case is sorted that my son will be entitled to some financial help,hes not even getting child benefit at the moment because louies mum is still claiming it!!! we have been in touch with social services but they dont seem interested as they are quite happy that louie is with us

gallicgirl Sun 25-Sep-11 12:25:26

If your son contacts the child benefit agency, they will start to pay it to him. They have to give the mother so many weeks notice but they will swap it over. I have no idea if they need any kind of evidence though.

If your son doesn't have one already, a copy of your grandson's birth certificate would be useful and can be obtained for £8 from your local registry office.

Again, he can contact tax credits and make a claim there but make sure he gives them the mother's details so the child is not claimed for twice.

Talk to the child's health visitor or Sure Start as there may be local services that can help you out. I know my friend with ME received some help from a volunteer when her son was first born.

Good luck and I hope the situation sorts itself out to little Louie's advantage.

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