Talk

Advanced search

Can't decide whether to go for DC3

(12 Posts)
Bellini12 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:22:49

I am in such a state of indecision that it is dominating my thoughts almost constantly. I have 2 DD’s aged 3 and 5. I have just turned 39 and I feel I need to make the decision once and for all whether I would go for DC no. 3.

I really thought DC2 would be my last – I have always struggled through pregnancy (very sick for first 4 months, slight SPD, varicose veins, back ache) then I had a rare and very serious complication at my last labour (a rare form of pre-eclampsia) and thought I could never do it again (luckily we were both OK but it was hairy for me for a while). I was told at my post natal check-up that I could have another, but I would be monitored closely and it would be a more risky pregnancy. But 3 weeks after my last DD, I started to think ‘I can’t believe this is my last’ and quite honestly have felt broody ever since.

I’ve thought every day whether I could cope with another. My DH is lovely and very supportive (when he’s around!) but he has a very demanding job which means he’s out of the house from 6.15am-7.30 every day. I therefore run the house and the kids (I’m a SAHM) and he is effectively a weekend dad (who I know would love more free time to himself). I wish it wasn’t like this, and I’m envious of everyone else who has their DH’s around a lot more, even if it’s to read a bedtime story. We discuss it, and I know he would support me no matter what, but I wonder if I’m pushing my luck a bit! On the flip side, I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel now, DD2 will be at school in 2012 and for once I’m going to get some proper ‘me’ time – life could be SO much easier if I stuck with 2. DH intends to change jobs in a couple of years or so and we may actually get to spend some time together & he can see the kids. I worry about many things, but mainly that I would be a rubbish mother whilst pregnant or how I would split myself between all 3 with no outside support. I’m also a natural born worrier so life would not be the easiest! Most of my peers have stuck with 2 and think I’m mad to go back to the beginning again. But I am one of 4 kids so a busy house seems normal to me. I’m concerned I’m going to have regret if I don’t despite the obvious difficulties.

I feel very blessed with my 2 DD’s and I can’t work out if I’m just being selfish, nostalgic for the baby years or already feeling the ‘empty nest’ syndrome? I change my mind almost 20 times a day and I am driving myself mad! Most of the time my gut reaction is I couldn’t even get beyond the thought of being pregnant again. I think I know what the right answer for us is; I’m just having trouble coming to terms with it.

Please could someone talk some sense into me? Or at least talk me through the reality of being pregnant again then coping with 3? It doesn’t help that whilst I am so genuinely happy for them, my best friend is now pregnant with no. 3 (she agonised too but decided to go for it, she has more support and her kids are older though) and my sis is pregnant at 40 with her 2nd (2nd marriage). So I am rather surrounded with baby talk at the mo which is making me think about it even more!

I’m afraid it’s a case of my heart says yes, but my mind, body and sanity says no... but the clock is ticking very loudly!

massistar Wed 21-Sep-11 16:55:33

Bellini, I could have written your post myself! For me I have just about come to terms with just having the two now. I'm 39, youngest is 2 1/2 and life is getting easier. holidays, cars, school, cost, quality time, me time all are much simpler with only the two! I want to enjoy the two that I have and do things with them so I'm going to settle for cuddling my friend's baby when it comes along instead. Now someone with 3+ please come and shoot me down. :-)

Cwm Wed 21-Sep-11 20:16:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

addressbook Wed 21-Sep-11 20:40:47

Oh can I join in!

I have two dc 5 and 2. I am 32, so there is time and I am broody. However yes I think life would be simpler with two. We have a small three bedroom semi, we could do it but it would be a squeeze. We could move to a cheaper area but the kids are happy here and the schools are good. I am a SAHM but I have dreams of being a writer. I have written 32,000 words of a book and I feel another baby would scupper that for a good few more years.

I too have found pregnancy and birth difficult, so that would put me off rather than the chaos of three. I do think I could cope with three, I am organised and I love being a mum

It is hard, really hard

Bellini12 Thu 22-Sep-11 14:23:18

I guess it's a common theme to ponder what life would be like with 3 then!

Something resonated with me massistar when you mentioned enjoying the 2 you have instead of just coping and juggling the 3. I think it is something I will just have to come to terms with. However I think there will always be a part of me that has a little regret, or at least sadness that I'm not one of those women that finds pregnancy a lovely experience, or have more outside help that it would have been possible. The thought of not cuddling another baby of ours is sometimes quite unbearable! But life is what it is. I'll just have to make the effort to make sure my days are busy when DD2 finally starts school next year and enjoy the 'me' time I have craved for so long!

I'm sure you'd never regret, ever, having a 3rd, but I guess you can't miss too much what you never had. What do you think?

LackingNicknameInspiration Thu 22-Sep-11 17:08:57

OP, just to mess with your head a little bit.....

I'm currently pregnant with no.3 (have 2 DDs aged 3.11 and 21 months) - having dithered for very similar reasons to you - husband tends to be out 6.15 - 8/9 so also a weekend dad who'd like more free time, come next September I'll have one at preschool, one at school and time for me, someone just made me a job offer, family all miles away, I had straightforward pregnancies but was in a bad mood for about 18 months between feeling icky when pg and lack of sleep.....so plenty of reasons not to.

BUT, two things I couldn't get out of my head. First, was that I will have some time next year when the girls start school/preschool respectively and 2 years after that, they'll both be at school; secondly, I was one of 3 and remember how much I loved going from 1 of 2 to 1 of 3. I realise it means 2 years of utter chaos and spreading myself more thinly, but I got to the stage of thinking it's short term pain for long term gain. Certainly hope so, anyway.

You can remind me of this when I'm tearing my hair out in March and for the following 20 years. grin

crepes Fri 23-Sep-11 16:52:57

my 2 are now 5 and nearly 3, we've been trying since baby was 1 and me 38, one mc later i'm 40 and no baby number 3, did worry about the pregnancy, spd, tiredness, juggling, 3rd c-section, bigger car etc etc... but all that is just wishful wanting now .... unfortunately it seems the decision has been made for us sad if you can go for it!

good luck

poppycat04 Fri 23-Sep-11 18:13:54

I have three gringrin
Had two ds,, now have a third and can not imagine not having him. It's hard work but the dynamics are different with three. I have a 7 yr old, 6yr old and 7 months old. The two older boys adore their baby brother, and have been great help. I know so many older women who say they wish they had had more children.
I'm just so glad I didn't do the sensible thing...grin

poppycat04 Fri 23-Sep-11 18:38:03

Mind you , our two older boys share a bedroom, the baby is in hand me downs, and we haven't been on holiday, oh and I'm holding on to my career by my fingernails... But it's still absolutely the right choice for us as a family..

poppycat04 Fri 23-Sep-11 18:52:38

And I had hyperemesis, my husband works crazy hours and we have had no help.

Maybe you're over thinking this? How about not trying for DC3, but not not trying either... If you see what I mean. Then whatever happens is meant to be....

I hope this has helped a bit. Am typing on phone so it seems a bit disjointed.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

headfairy Fri 23-Sep-11 19:05:41

op, I'm in a similar situation but from the other side of the track. I'd quite happily go for a third but dh will not contemplate it for one minute so I'm having to come to terms with having just the two. To be honest, it's not that hard.

I've got a 4 year old and a 20 month old and over the past 6 months I've worked really hard to lose the baby weight and I'm slowly getting back to fitness after 4 years of slobbing. I'm enjoying starting to feel more like me again. I don't necessarily find pregnancy hard, but I do lose all interest in me, I'm really enjoying taking care of myself which I have absolutely no interest in when I'm pg or post partum. My career is also getting back on track and financially whilst we're not rolling in it, we're not brassic either. A third would really hit us financially and with the very real prospect of tough economic times still very much ahead of us I've got to give that real consideration.

As said further up thread as well the advantages of having two are many. Cars are easier, holidays, houses (we also have a three bed house). Everything. A third would be lovely if we were loaded and could afford lots more help, but to be honest I'm happy with my two. I don't feel there's a massive gap in my life. When ever ds asks for a cuddle, dd always wants to jump up too so they have one knee each to sit on, and one shoulder each to cuddle up against. I ask myself where would I put the third?

Sleepglorioussleep Fri 23-Sep-11 22:53:50

Dd2 is gorgeous, I feel our family is complete and never had that feeling after the first two. I feel i'm finally getting to grips with mothering and getting priorities straight. There is a crazy moment in every day and we will be tighter financially, but our family feels abundant, fun and full. How can I recommend this? I can't and I've no real idea of what the future holds, but I love our family and wouldn't have it any other way. I burst into tears when friend announced she was pg with no 3 and that's when it sunk home for dh and me that the only way was treble. If I could have got rid of that feeling I would have.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now