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Telling nearly 8 month old daughter no

(10 Posts)
babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 20-Sep-11 18:18:36

Telling her no results in instant tears every time I dont say it loudly or angrily so I assume she does understand and just doesn't like it..hmm

Should I stop though and assume she is too young because of the tears?

BertieBotts Tue 20-Sep-11 18:29:21

You can't just tell her no without showing her what it means - are you removing her/removing the thing she can't have/extricating your hair from her fist (etc) while saying "No"? Because if so, it's probably being removed from what she wants that she doesn't like! Make sure to immediately distract her with something she is allowed to do (something related, if possible) and the tears will soon stop.

It's horrible to see your child upset, but you wouldn't worry about her crying if you were taking her away from a dangerous situation, and this is the same. I wouldn't go out of your way to upset her to "teach" her things, but if she is upset at not being allowed something, that's okay. You can always help her manage her disappointment like you would for anything else (with a cuddle, and later, explanations).

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 20-Sep-11 18:39:27

Thanks Bertie we have a very tight setup at the moment and crap everywhere (currently living in one room after having a 3 bed place) so I keep having to pull her down from things she wants to climb on. It may be that she knows after I say NO she will be pulled down, yes you're probably right.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 20-Sep-11 18:40:28

I do cuddle her after, but wondered if that was the wrong thing (as its kind of a reward?)

FlubbaBubba Tue 20-Sep-11 18:44:21

I don't know whether your LO is crying because she understands 'no' or whether she's pissed off that she's not allowed to do what she wants to do - my DS (also nearly 8m old) cries if a toy gets taken off him, or he drops his water, or he's taken away from teetering on the edge of a small precipice. hmm At this age, it's their only way of telling you they're not happy with something, so I imagine it's that, rather than the word or connotation of the word no itself.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr Tue 20-Sep-11 18:48:06

he's taken away from teetering on the edge of a small precipice

FlubbaBubba thanks I do find it amazing how far we have gotten as a race when human babies seems to have so little survival instinct!

FlubbaBubba Tue 20-Sep-11 18:57:55

haha! Yes - it's just as well we like them the little buggers and stop them performing these terrifying acts! grin

BertieBotts Tue 20-Sep-11 20:42:38

No I think it's always okay to cuddle smile Just because they have done something you don't approve of, doesn't mean you have to remove any possibly-construed-as-nice experience from the next few minutes. Cuddling reassures them that they are still loved even if you aren't letting them do what they want to do. They are still learning that they aren't allowed to do it, by the act of you removing them in the first place! I think it's good to get into the habit of saying something like "I know you're cross about not being allowed to climb, but you could fall and hurt yourself" even before they understand. And then if there is a safe alternative, you can show them it. "Ouch. Mummy is not for hitting. Hit your drum." <demonstrate hitting the drum> - the language can progress as they get older and more able to understand.

For climbing, if there is nowhere safe in the house to practice climbing and/or you don't want to go down the route of creating a safe space by putting sofa cushions down etc, stick to "We don't climb at home. We climb at the park." (or soft play, or toddler group, or wherever you go most often with climbing opportunities). At 8 months she won't get this at all, but again, it's just putting the building blocks in place for her understanding when she is older, and letting you practice saying these things so that when she does understand, it's an automatic response. And often they understand well before they can verbalise things anyway, so you might find she picks up the concept in the next few months way before she can actually talk about it.

Daisy1986 Tue 20-Sep-11 20:59:39

In my exp its easier to use positive directions instead of negatives as above person said. Use your walking feet/indoor voice/ feet on the floor please etc. This has the benefit that you dont get in the rut of saying no all the time which can become a habit.

Young children dont always hear all of a command so if you say No...Dont climb on that all they hear is climb on that. Young children also dont always have the will power to stop doing what they want to do even if they know their not meant to so youll find yourself repeating your self alot. You could also try and use a visual sign when you give a diresction ie your hand up in a stop sign which theyll probably read better then the wod.

BertieBotts Tue 20-Sep-11 21:31:09

That's definitely true, Daisy, although you need to be careful when they are preverbal as I got into the habit of saying "Be gentle" when DS was being rough with the cat and after a while of it not working at all (and me tearing my hair out for the poor cat) I realised that he thought "be gentle" meant "pull the cat around" since that was what I always said when he was doing it blush So I switched to saying "Stop! That is too rough!" and ran over to him immediately, held his hand and made a stroking motion, only then saying "This is gentle. Be gentle." He picked that up much more quickly.

Definitely agree to expanding over just using "No" though. This is good on the "no" thing, and also about cuddles.

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