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Baby at Crematorium Funeral - conventional?

(40 Posts)
Fiolondon Mon 19-Sep-11 20:16:13

Hi
My grandmother has died and her funeral is next monday. I live in London and her funeral will be at a crematorium in Scotland. I could leave DS (2.5 years) and take my DD (7 months/still bfa ouple of times during the day) but my mum has said she doesn't think this would be appropriate. She says that children under 10 don't go to funerals - which I think means that she has not seen it and/or registered if they were there. When my grandfather died 16 years ago I had a flight booked to return to my studies in France and could have changed the flight, but my mum bundled me on to the plane and because it was all rather sudden I just went. I thought that my parents knew best but I have often regretted not going to his funeral and have never really understood my parents logic for insisting my studies were more important. Now they are saying that the baby is more important and if can't bring her and I can't get someone else to look after her (she is very clingy and would not settle well with a stranger) then I should stay with her - she should come first. On the one hand I sort of feel that I can mourn my gran without going to the funeral, but I'm woried I will come to regret this too.
I think my mumi s being a bit odd and would have expected people to have thought that having a baby there would be a positive thiing.
What do you all think?
(I should say that Iam a bit concerned that it will be fairly awkward and expensiev to get to the funeral and I suppose I could end up standing outside if the baby starts making a noise)

PonceyMcPonce Mon 19-Sep-11 20:19:41

I think it is important for children to understand the mourning and grieving process, so would personally not set a lower age limit. Babies usually need to be with parents, so would attend. As you say, definitely a positive, circle of life thing to have them there.

However, very good idea to have a DH or friend to take baby outside if noisy, otherwise I think considerate to wait outside during service.

IMO

sunshineandshowers13 Mon 19-Sep-11 20:23:46

Hi, i'm sorry about your grandmother. When my dh gran died we had to take our dd1 (18mths at the time) to the crem as my parents who were due to look after her had food poisoning. I sat at the back and was ready to nip out if need be. tbh the crem service is usually so short that it may not be an issue. I would have thought that everyone would understand why you had your dd with you and enjoy seeing her. I know its awful but very often weddings and funerals are the only time extended family get to see each other.
I agree in that a baby present is a positive thing.
hope this helps

Sniffwitch Mon 19-Sep-11 20:30:12

typing one handed as bfeeding so scuse no pucuation
i took dd2 to my aunts crem funeral when she was about 5 months. it ws unthinkable for me not to be there (for myself and my own grief) and dd was too young and bfing so to me it was a done deal. I got there in plenty of time and planned feeds carefully round the service times so tat for the vast majority of the service i could just sit at the side feeding. I felt a bit self conscious but it was important to me to be there and no one seemed to mind - in fact the reception was resoundingly positive - seems to be something about a funeral that makes people especially glad to see babies
I would try and explore our mums feelings a bit more - but if you are getting nowhere then do just go ..you will likely regret if you don't - compromise might be can you afford to take someone with you, or do you have a local friend to hold the baby outside/push her in a pram whilst you are in the service? It ll bit more relaxed t the reception/wake thingy usually

ginmakesitallok Mon 19-Sep-11 20:50:23

We took DD2 (22 months) to DPs granda's funeral last month in a crematorium. It was unusual - but no-one minded at all. I sat at the side so that I could escape with her if necessary - but she was fine through the service. Agree that she was welcome relief at the reception.

Nagoo Mon 19-Sep-11 20:55:08

Baby is 10 months. She'd been to 3 before she was 6MO sad

No one minded and in fact I think people gravitate to babies at funerals, everyone seemed happy to have her there. If she cried I took her outside.

My parents never 'invited' me to family funerals either. I don't know why. I don't agree with keeping children away from funerals.

Death is part of life.

In this particular case you do need to think about what your mum wants though (if it is her mum).

wigglesrock Mon 19-Sep-11 20:59:45

My children have all been to funerals, at the last one dds were 5,3 years and 4 weeks. To be honest it wouldn't have occured to me not to take them, they have all been relatives funerals. But you have to travel quite a distance, I've never been invited to a funeral, we always just go.

Portofino Mon 19-Sep-11 21:04:37

I think that a funeral is a solemn service (mostly) that should not be disturbed by babies crying. That said I would agree that older children who knew the deceased should go if appropriate.

GrimmaTheNome Mon 19-Sep-11 21:08:31

Baby - absolutely fine.
Older children - depends on the child and what sort of funeral it is likely to be. A funeral of a very old person can be a lovely family occasion.

One of DDs GPs died when she was 6 - we decided not to take her to the service but she was a very welcome addition to the bunfight afterwards.

wigglesrock Mon 19-Sep-11 21:41:16

Just to add my dds have been to chapel quite a few times so the whole mass, priest etc was not alien to them and they are well used to being bribed asked to behave, sit quietly, mind you they just go to the mass not the graveyard after and Christ with my family definitely not the shenanigans after the graveyard grin

Sleepglorioussleep Mon 19-Sep-11 22:14:15

I took three week old baby to a funeral. It was a big ice breaker with relatives hadn't seen for years and she kind of gave people permission to smile on a bad day. Plus, my great aunt adored babies and had chosen save the children as the charity for the collection. No reason not to take your baby.

youarekidding Mon 19-Sep-11 22:24:51

A family friend bought her 2 week old DD to my Uncles funeral. My Uncle would have wanted her there, the mum and baby who he didn't get to meet. sad

I had just turned 8 when my DGDad died, my Mum wouldn't let me go to the funeral due to my age. When my Nan died I wouldn't let DS go who was 5yo.

4madboys Mon 19-Sep-11 22:26:55

i took my ds2 who was 8wks old to my grans funeral, like others have said it was actually nice to have a baby there, it gave people something positive to focus on and he was fine, just bfed etc

ramblingmum Mon 19-Sep-11 22:27:08

I took dd2 to my DHs Grandmothers funeral when she was out 6 months and it was not problem I sat at the end of a row so I could nip out if she started to fuss or cry , but didn't need to in the end. I agree with other posters that it was greatfully recived at the gathering afterwards. Anyway she loved her greatgrand daughters so why shouldn't they be there.

ChippingIn Mon 19-Sep-11 22:29:45

I think babies & children should be welcomed at funerals. They reassure everyone that we are a part of the life cycle. That dying is as natural as being born (though very sad if it's an 'early' death).

I think it's sad not to let children have the opportunity to be there to say their 'good byes' as well.

As for babies - I don't get why anyone thinks they shouldn't be there. Of course if they're crying then they need to be taken right to the back or just outside, but if you time feeds/sleeps then it's rarely a problem.

Your Mum isn't right on this one.

An0therName Mon 19-Sep-11 22:33:24

baby fine - we took my DS at 15 months or - he slept through it -I would taken him out if he was noisy - and everyone loved seeing him afterwards -

jetgirl Mon 19-Sep-11 22:43:59

Sorry for your loss, Fiolondon.

My grandad was delighted that I took DD, then 18 months to my granny's funeral. He said she had brought my granny such joy, and helped him too. At his funeral there was DD, then 4, DS 20 months and my cousin's 1 yr old. It wouldn't have felt right not having them there. It was important for DD to say goodbye and still remembers her great grandad with fondness.

Clayhead Mon 19-Sep-11 22:50:39

At my grandad's funeral between me and my cousins we had a 2 month old, 2 year old, 4 year old and 6 year old.

Personally I think the only thing that people mind is if it's too noisy.

TheFowlAndThePussycat Mon 19-Sep-11 22:54:41

Dd1 was at DH's grandmother's and aunt's funerals at about 3 and 8 weeks I think. She was made very welcome & did genuinely bring a smile to people's faces at a really sad time. I second the suggestion of taking another adult who can take the baby out if necessary, my dad came to dh grandmother's funeral & really helped a lot. But it was relatively close to us, so I appreciate that that might be more difficult for you.

TCOB Mon 19-Sep-11 23:02:46

So sorry for your loss, OP sad. DD came with me to my Assistant's funeral when she was 8 months. He was one of the first I told about my pregnancy, he organised my baby shower, he was outside the house when she was born and was the first person other than DH and midwives who knew she was here. Holding on to her at the funeral was a profound comfort to me and to his other friends. At a very basic level it reminded us all that as well as being amongst death during life, the reverse is true too. My friend didn't want to die, he wanted to live - and when I had to feed DD at the quiet (critical) bit, it was life-affirming as well as discreet. Odd but intense.

amyboo Tue 20-Sep-11 09:16:09

Personally, I don't think it's maybe the best place for such young kids. My Dad died earlier this year, and I was going to take DS (12 months at the time). But, my parent's neighbour offered to look after him while she looked after her 2 DDs and so I left DS there. I'm very glad I did actually, as he would have got very upset seeing me, DH, his Grandma and Uncles, Aunties all crying. It was a very emotional time for me, and I was glad that DH and I were able to grieve properly and not have to worry about DS. I also think that while it might be nice to have a baby there, it wouldn't have been right for my Mum either - she was finding it hard enough to deal with Dad's death. Having her grandson there would have just been a distraction, and I think it was important for her grieving to be able to deal with the funeral/cremation.

That said, it's a very personal issue, so I guess you do what you feel happiest doing.

ll31 Wed 21-Sep-11 12:29:48

don't think its inappropriate in any way to brng baby / children to funeral

AngelDog Wed 21-Sep-11 14:57:21

I took DS when he was about 14 months. During the service he & I stayed in a little waiting room outside in case he was noisy.

ContinentalKat Wed 21-Sep-11 15:06:59

I am sorry for your loss. The only thing I could think of is: Would your grandmother have like your dc to be there?

GruffalowsMammy Fri 23-Sep-11 13:47:48

Sorry about your GrandMother, DP's Grandfather died this week and I did check with this parents if it was ok to bring ds (7 months) with us. I think your Mum is being a bit odd (my parents are also weird with children at funerals).

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