My son keeps being invited to tea with kid he HATES!

[leapyleo]

Help! My son is in 9 and since Reception has had a precocious kid (I'll call him Jack) in the class he can't stand. For all that time I have managed to dodge requests for him to go to Jack's house for tea.

Last week his Mum approached me with a birthday present for my son - she had remembered when his birthday is. (Last year she hand delivered a present to our house!) She asked me if my son was having a party (he was) but I said that he was just having a very small group of friends as my son was adamant he didn't want to invite him. She said she thought she had seen him with some invites and was worried that her son wasn't invited (which is true!). I managed to bluff my way through.

Two days later my son was given an invite to Jack's party. I plucked up the courage to call her with an excuse. I was a bit staggered when she said it was such a shame because my son hadn't been able to go last year either because it had been an inset day and I was taking him to my parents' (she'd remembered!!!!!). She suggested that my son go for tea on this kids actual birthday to make up for missing the party, I made yet another excuse. She's now asked me to come up with a date when he could go for tea - and said that if he's doing a lot of after school clubs she would even collect him from the club and take him back home even if her son wasn't doing the same club!

I feel like I'm being stalked... am I being unreasonable? My kid really doesn't want to go for tea and she's just not getting the message. I don't want to cause any upset and I hate confrontation but it's getitng really ridiculous. Anyone have any suggestions?

[Curlybrunette]

I'm sorry I don't have much advice but am watching with interest. I would hate this situation, I wouldn't dare tell her outright and would probably give in and try and persuade my son to go (I know this is a really wrong thing to do).

Could you arrange a weekend or after school and you go as well, maybe to a soft play where your son could run and hide or a park with a football. If you're there your son might feel better if you're there too. Perhaps invite a few of his friends, make it a more the merrier thing?

It does sound as if this kid doesn't have many friends and your son might be one of a few being nice to him or that his mother is a crazy stalker!!!

[seeker]

I would tell my child that hating another child who has done him no harm is not acceptable, and he should go to party, or to tea or invive Jack round. He's 9. Time to learn that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do out of politeness and kindness.

Sorry if thT's not what you wanted to hear.

[leapyleo]

I have suggested to DS having Jack to us rather than my son going there so that I can keep an eye on things but the reaction was a definite NO! I don't think meeting with the Mum there would work in this case - she's one of those that 'latches' on and is also a depressive hypochondriac so I would avoid at all costs! The only thing I can think of is to say that he's being a bit tired and clingy at the mo so can we leave it for the moment...

[Ponders]

I can understand how you (& DS) feel but I do feel sorry for poor old Jack

[going]

Send him once, once the boys mother sees how unhappy he is she may never invite him again. Or your son could suprise himself and have a really good time.

[Ponders]

I mean his mother is clearly a bit odd so what chance has he got?

IMO you should over-ride DS & insist on inviting Jack for tea once, just to check whether your DS is right to avoid him like this.

[DownbytheRiverside]

Does Jack actually have any friends?
Because the mother sounds desperate for her son to have a normal childhood experience. Who does Jack play with at school?
To be 9 and ostracised for his precociousness sounds very sad.

[KurriKurri]

I don't think she's being a crazy stalker, she sounds like a mum who's little boy doesn't have many friends and she's doing her best to remedy the situation.

What is it about this child that your DS hates so much?

I'm afraid I agree with Seeker, I understand its an awkward situation, but I'm feeling very sorry for the other little boy.

[Eglu]

I would justsay to her that your ds is not keen on coming. She will never leave you alone otherwise.

[NormaSnorks]

Oh this is soooo difficult. We've been in a similar situation with DS1. And DS2 also has a friend (and mother!) a bit like this.

Is Jack an only child, or does he have any particular social issues/special needs which might explain his behaviour? (DS2 has one friend with mild aspergers who comes across as rather precocious due to his intensity about things).

In our case with DS1, the mother was definitely stalking us! They lived at the top of our street, and she'd say things like "I see you had Y over for tea on Tuesday"

Whilst I'm all for a bit of politeness, I'm not sure I agree that you should have to invite someone you don't particularly like into your home. Do you know why your DS doesn't like him? have there been any incidents he may not have told you about?

The problem with 'giving in' is that the floodgates may then be opened! I had DS1's classmate over out of 'kindness' and 'politeness' and suddenly we were deludged with calls/ requests for playdates/sleepovers etc.
I do think sometimes parents 'target' particular children as 'friends' for their children for their own particular reasons. In Ds1's case it was because we live so close to this other family and the mum was looking for free after-school childcare until she came home from work

[BendyBob]

I'm not sure hating anyone is such a good thing to encourage. I think I'd try to find out exactly what's going on and discuss any problems with ds regarding the boy.

Having said that, at 9 I do think children are old enough to choose their friends and should not be forced into friendships they don't want to please adults.

Providing there's no unkindness involved, I think I would respect my dc's decision about someone he didn't want to socialise with.

Wrt the mum I'd say you're having a break from after school stuff as ds has enough going on atm.

She is being rather ott. I wouldn't at all like being cornered when it's clear your ds isn't responding to this.

[JJ]

I have to disagree with most of the comments. Your son is 9, he's old enough to say that he doesn't want to have a certain child to play.

As long as your son is polite to him in school and doesn't act mean towards Jack, then it's ok. You could say that the boys aren't friends at school and that you think the playdate should be left for now. If the situation changes, you will let her know.

There was a child like this years ago at my son's school. I just avoided the woman; it was rather stressful. Just want you to know that I'm a total hypocrite! However, I'd like to think if the situation happened again, I'd do what I suggested above.

[leapyleo]

Thanks everyone, it is a tricky one - the family are generally a little odd - parents are much older - approaching 60, and he has two much older sisters one of 18 and one 22 so he has been very much treated as an adult - doesn't go to bed till 10 or 11, and has his parents wrapped round his fingers. He's one of those kids who, if you don't give him your immediate attention, will stand in front of you and shout until you respond, very strange. My son plays with him at school because he's not the kind of kid who would ever tell another to get lost, but he doesn't want to get too close. I'm a little concerned that if I force him to go, or have Jack to us, my DS will be considered his 'best friend' and there'll be no let up.

[activate]

Tell her that they don't get on - it's a phase you're sure will pass but you don't think it's appropriate to get them together

she's not getting the message because you're not giving it

[colditz]

Ditto Seeker. I wouldn't have behaved like your son as a child, I wouldn't have been allowed to, and I don't allow my children to behave like that now.

[leapyleo]

PS - he doesn't have any special needs or similar, he's just, well spoilt TBH.

[bigTillyMint]

Whilst I feel really sorry for Jack (and his mum), the boys are 9 - way past the age of needing helicopter parenting to sort out their friendships. If your son does not want to be his friend, for whatever reason, then that is fine as long as he is polite to him.

However, how you put that across to the mum is another matter. She obviously dosen't take a hint, so you either need to be blunt (which would make you feel awful and would probably be very hurtful for her) or just keep on making excuses/avoiding her.

Maybe Paggy will be along soon with her sage advice

[Eglu]

If your son is pleasant to him at school then I think it is unfair to force him to spend more time with him.

[leapyleo]

I know I couldn't be blunt with her - I would hate to hurt her feelings - I know how I would feel if it were the other way round. I just don't know how to get round it. Maybe just say that DS has a lot on at the mo and is v tired so can we leave it for now?

[Tota1Xaos]

I guess you can't force a friendship, but poor Jack , and I feel sorry for his mum as well, she's just doing her best to encourage friendships for him.

[BendyBob]

That's what I would say leapy.

If she kept pushing though I would have to tell her it's not a goer atm as they don't seem too close. I'd have to do that, but it'd be tricky alright

I hate to upset anyone too but I couldn't force a friendship on my dc because in the long run it wouldn't work.

[grumplestilskin]

it sounds like the OPs son IS one of the few kids who is being nice to Jack, so IMO since he's not being horrid to him at school and is showing him small kindnesses there ( which he or his mum has latched onto ) then I would absolutely allow the OPs son to say no to 1:1 teas etc, he already IS being one of the nice ones to this kid it sounds

poor jack though . I think you should stop making excused to the mum beause it's not going in anyway and it might free her up a bit to persue socialisation oportunities for Jack elsewhere. You don't have to say 'HE DOESNN'T LIKE HIM AND NEVER DID!!" but you could say next time she asks "actually DS says they aren't as close as they used to be and they're not really friends at the moment, I don't think there's a problem, they havent fallen out or anything just grown apart"

If you don't your DS may well eventually crack and say it to Jack in much blunter terms

[jamaisjedors]

I have been in this situation with DS1 who was constantly invited by an older boy's mother.

I let him go about 3-4 times but the final time the boy came round here and swore and spat on my two DS and they said they didn't want to see him again.

I had to tell the mother what you said - that DS1 was too tired and too busy for invites after school for the moment (which was actually true).

I know this child hasn't done yours any harm but I can understand, having experienced this kind of mother, that if you say yes once, she will be calling all the time (well it was true for us anyway, Sunday afternoons included).

[leapyleo]

OK, thanks everyone - second dilemma - in view of her buying a birthday pres for my son even tho Jack wasn't going to my son's party (very kind but a bit odd) - should I now reciprocate even tho my DS isn't going to Jack's party or will it make things worse?