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4yo ds doesn't want to go *anywhere*

(12 Posts)
phdlife Sat 10-Sep-11 22:38:28

not kindy
not swimming
not the library
not the shops
not even the hardware store (he's tool-mad, and we're in the middle of a project for his room, but still no)
and definitely, never, EVER, is he going to school.

it is wearing me out, the fight to get him out the door every time we need to go somewhere. Of course he loves everything once he's there hmm. It's not like we do all that much; he gets lots of home time, he just would rather stay home with me. (yep I'm supposed to stay home too hmm). Lots of advance notice, time-warnings (ten minutes til we go!), discussion of what we're doing when/where/why - not making a whole lot of difference. Threats ("fine if you're going to kick me then I will drive off with you not in your carseat" blush blush sad) only cause an epic meltdown which is fair(ish) because he's clearly dealing with some ishoo that I'm just not getting.

We are really struggling with his volcanic temper too. It comes out of nowhere and just blindsides him. He is always devastated after and needs a LOT of cuddling but that isn't always practical as I also have a 2yo, myself, and a house to look after.

We are dealing with a sensitive, smart, thoughtful, focused kid, not a runny-aroundy one, if that makes any difference. I am really, really hoping that the imminent school hols will help, but ime it's only going to be worse afterwards.

Clues, please!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Sun 11-Sep-11 06:54:33

No advice I'm afraid, my DD was a total socialite. The only similar thing was (and occasionally still is) the volcanic temper. When she erupts, I put her in her room or somewhere away from me. She is 10.4 now.
Bumping for you though.

littletinkers Sun 11-Sep-11 07:39:07

Hi - I have a similar issue. My son just likes to stay home and play - as you said once he gets to places he is fine usually. I think he is a bit scared. He doesn't want to be a big boy, wants to stay little has even said if I eat this I will be a big strong boy and I don't want to be big. He doesn't seem ready to grow up yet and still wants to be little. Have decided within reason to go with it as if he still needs that I guess that is fine and when he is ready he will take on new challenges. He can be very clingy still - hides behind me when I take him to nursery. It started when he was about 2. I am just trying to focus on making him feel more confident and safe and hoping the rest will come in time. I do worry that i have done something but then his twin is nothing like this. He had a very difficult start with 3 months in and out of great ormond st and lots of time in hospital so i wonder (though it's probably bull) if this made a difference. Good luck with yours - I guess some kids just take longer to develop independence and confidence and need to feel very safe a bit longer..

ladyintheradiator Sun 11-Sep-11 13:59:31

My DS is similar, he is 4 next month. He would quite happily stay in and play with his toys all day, every day. I wonder if I'm to blame as we did spend a lot of time indoors after DD was born last Autumn, also he suffers from eczema and when the weather is very cold or windy his face becomes very sore so we ended up indoors a lot because of that as well. He cries or whines about going out a lot, and usually doesn't want to go to preschool (admittedly this term one of his (few) friends has started and that's given his enthusiasm a boost but we'll see if it lasts).

We don't have a chaotic social schedule so it's not that he is desperate for time at home that he isn't getting, IYSWIM. The library has a sing-along session twice a week and if we go, he will curl into a ball against me and just sit it out - sometimes hands over ears, sometimes head buried. What do you do? For a while I thought, ok, keep at it, he'll get used to it. Then I thought, right, he hates it, just don't go. But then what? Stay in all day every day? He never even wants to go to the park, but of course once there doesn't want to go home...

We went for a Rugbytots trial a few weeks ago as I thought it might help his confidence, listening skills etc and after an awful start he did get into it. So we signed him up for a term, and each session so far has had the same start - DS standing arms crossed, frowning, while me or DP (whoever takes him) sort of fill his place - the idea being if we make it look fun he will join in - so we run around the hall doing the throwing or whatever until he finally joins in - then he loves it and wants the session to last longer, and each week we hope it'll have a better start (should add the other parents sit watching from a distance and we feel like total knobheads tbh but again what's the alternative? Saying 'go on DS go and join in' would have zero effect).

Temper and tantrums are up and down, but on the whole he is v clingy, hates being left alone even for a second, so when I put DD down for naps he is standing in the doorway edging his way into the room, if I tried shutting the door he would scream and scream and have a full on rage.

Sorry am rambling on, and no advice either... but I feel your pain!

ramblingmum Mon 12-Sep-11 22:34:56

This sounds a lot like my dd1. Kicking off at the mention of going out, it dosn't matter where. Refusing to get ready and it all ending up in a fight. She is now nearly five and it is getting better. She was also a very shy child but has really come out of herself in the last 6 months, I dont know if the two are linked.
As a toddler she hated getting dressed/undressed and I think part of the problem was having to do shoes, coat etc so I tried to keep it simple.
What infuriated me more is she is not really keen on playing with toys at home and needs lots of entertaining to stop her wining for cbeebies, so getting out was important. Like some of the other posters children she wants/needs a lot of attention for me and dh.
THe only advice I can give is to be very clear that you are going and have everything ready in advance, and it does seem to be getting easier.

phdlife Sat 17-Sep-11 23:01:19

ladyintheradiator that does sound just like ds!!

I've got AF atm and last night there was a massive scene with me on the toilet wanting to do paperwork (without sending him into shock - it's niagara falls down there atm) and having to physically shove sobbing ds out door and lock it in his face. sad

40notTrendy Sat 17-Sep-11 23:09:45

My ds very similar. He just loves to be at home. We got to the point where we never told him what we were doing as we knew the way the discussion would progress ... No yes no yes you are no don't want to you'll enjoy it no I WON'T shouting screaming etc etc. We just told him to put his shoes on and whisked him into the car and started driving. With enough poor parenting techniques raisins chocolate etc he soon forgot about his worries (which I think it genuinely was). He's much better now. smile

40notTrendy Sat 17-Sep-11 23:12:34

Gosh, that sounds really cruel blush. It was done with lots of calm care! We've also talked a lot about him trusting us, that we do nice things with him/for him.

JarethTheGoblinKing Sat 17-Sep-11 23:19:21

I'm with 40notTrendy. blush

Just talked things through once we were in the car, rather than having the seemingly endless arguments about shoes at the bottom of the stairs with DS throwing bags everywhere. Bags in car. Shoes on DS, out the door. No begging or pleading (it doesn't help anyway) and less stress all round.

40notTrendy Sat 17-Sep-11 23:36:14

Phew Jareth, not just us then grin

phdlife Sat 17-Sep-11 23:37:06

well I don't know how you guys do it but if he's really in a mood (this doesn't happen often) then I cannot physically wrestle him into his shoes or the bloody carseat.

JarethTheGoblinKing Sat 17-Sep-11 23:57:55

DS has always been a refusnik, prob just used to it.

I also threaten removal of toys if he doesn't comply, and he knows ill bloody stick to it smile

Mostly now he's fine, but when we need to leave the house at 7am for nursery/work I just don't have time for messing about tbh

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