When naughty children come to visit do you let their parents know of their bad deeds?

[LemonDifficult]

So if a child were to draw on your walls or similar, do you suck it up? Or do you think it's more responsible to let the parent know what's happened?

I can't decide. I am a wuss, though.

[Pinner35]

I would tell the parents for sure.

[candr]

Tell them! it may be that they do this at home but the parents can tell them it is not acceptable else where or they may never do this at home and parents will be shocked but still discipline them. You may want parents to pay for damage at some point if you allow it to happen.

[YellowWallpaper]

I am a complete wuss but I would really like the parents to let me know if my kids did something, so I should stop being such a wuss

[curlytoes]

My little ones are quite young so we haven't had this situation yet but if my DCs misbehaved I would much rather be told than have someone smile bravely/ talk about it to other mums behind my back/ stop inviting my kids. If told I could apologise, offer to replace anything damaged and read the riot act to the kids.

[LemonDifficult]

Hmmm, my inner school girl is telling me not to go sneaking on this particular child to the mother. Partly because I suspect whatever I say, all she will hear is 'You're a bad parent', and partly because the boy is quite naughty and that's not likely to change, really.

[IQuiteLikeVodka]

at naughty children going around visiting.
I would mention it,however,I too am a wuss and would only mention it if I was comfortable to.

[OddBoots]

I'd want to know if my child behaved badly so I'd like to think I'd (tactfully) mention if if another child did so in my house.

[Sandalwood]

Of course you should tell them. I'd want to know.
But I am also a wuss.
We had a lad round who was misbehaving and rude haven't had him round since.
tbh I don't think if I had told his mum I'd particularly want him round again anyway - so perhaps saying something wouldn't achieve anything anyway.

[bananatrifle]

Kids try things on in new settings out of earshot/eyesight of parents. He may or may not do that kind of thing at home. The point is, when he's at your house you have a right to say if he's done something you're not happy with.

Just hope your DCs don't see him do it if you decide to let him get away with it and think.....aha......

The boy's not going to change his behaviour by it being ignored and therefore sanctioned.

You just need to say whatever it is to his mum, in a non accusatory way.

How you do that is another story.

Good luck :)

[curlytoes]

If you really don't want to say something then I guess you either stop inviting this boy or try to manage his behaviour when he's at yours. Your house - your rules.

[heystupid]

what did he do? i don't think i'd say anything unless it was really awful, like kicking the cat

[LorenSorensen]

Depends on loads - the age of the child, your relationship ( if any ) with the mother, your previous knowledge of the child ( ie is it out of character ), the misdeed/behaviour.

[LemonDifficult]

I suppose I just wondered if there's an accepted etiquette- like telling a collecting parent what the DCs had to eat.

This child was just a bit destructive and very boundary pushing and it's happened both times he's been. I'm not sure I'd enjoy a conversation where I tactfully tell another parent his/her child doesn't behave very well...

[LorenSorensen]

How old is the child op?

[bananatrifle]

If he's a pain and you really don't feel like saying anything to mum (like Loren says - this might depend on the relationship you have with her) then just don't invite him again.

But...if the opportunity arises, you might say something so she understands why he's not being invited again.

Do your DCs go to his house? He might be a bit destructive and boundary pushing towards them too.

How old is the little darling?

[LorenSorensen]

I would never pass a judgement to the parent. There is a raft of difference in stating a fact that happened eg " Nathaniel drew on the wall at one point, and I told him we don't do that here..." and " Nathaniel behaved quite badly during his visit", iyswim.

[TastyMuffins]

My DC is a wall drawer, it isn't acceptable at home and he is punished but unfortunately has been a serial offender. I would most certainly want to know if he had done it at someone else's house and would quite hope he had been disciplined for it. Of course, I'd be mortified but would want to know so it doesn't happen at the next place he visits too. I'd be asking you how you would like him to clean your walls.

Please whatever you do, don't say to the DC 'that's alright' when they apologise, it's not bloody alright, accept the apology but make it clear you are very sad about your wall.

Yes, it should be along the same lines as telling the parents what they've had to eat, what they've done. If there are any good points you can add, that would help.

[LemonDifficult]

DCs are 4yo, so the coming to visit without parent in tow has just begun. Don't know the mother well, at all - but wouldn't it be just as bad, maybe worse, if you know the parents well?

[LorenSorensen]

I find it much easier if I know the parents well. No judgements, just have them in for a cup of tea when they collect and chat about how it went, stating facts.

4 yo I would definitely expect some boundary pushing and the like. Pretty normal behaviour IME.

[LemonDifficult]

Yes, 4yo and boundary pushing. Mind you, we've had a lot of 4yos over to play and this particular one is the most, um, boundary pushing by a long way.

(I've just thought that I should probably have described him as 'a child exhibiting potentially naughty behaviour' rather than reveal myself as a judgemental cahhh who thinks other people have inherently naughty children.)

So the general consensus is that the parents should be told?

[bananatrifle]

If you're going to have him round again, just be firm with him if he starts again.

Just say "we don't do that in this house" or something along those lines, and if he refuses to stop or does something else equally as bad, and he doesn't respond to what you say to him, say you'll have to call his mum to come and pick him up early.

If he still continues, then follow through, ring his mum up to ask her to collect him early and explain why. Doesn't mean he can never come again - he is young and this is part of his development.

If mum thinks you're being unreasonable, then maybe you don't have him round again, unless he changes.

[LorenSorensen]

Well, if he's the "most boundary pushing by a long way" unless he was bessie mates with my DC then I don't think I'd be inviting him back in a hurry.

Life's too short for all that shit, tbh. When its not your child, anyway.

[bananatrifle]

How about if you invite mum in for a coffee when she drops him off? If she stays long enough to see his behaviour, maybe you can discuss it then?

[LemonDifficult]

So, so agree about life being too short to have him back or to bother with telling the parent as if the child's behaviour was in any way likely to be affected. I said to this DH (who was here and equally gobsmacked both times).

DH pointed out child is

2 minutes away
Bessie mates with DS

We're stuck with him fo sho.

[LemonDifficult]

bt, that would be ideal. Though I think she's not big on boundaries, either.