Deciding to have a third baby - advice needed!

[rosiemama]

Hi guys, just wondered for those of you who have 3 kids already or are currently on your third pregnancy, how did you make the decision to go for no 3?

I had fairly straightforward pregnancy with DS1, but he was a difficult baby (very colicky, silent reflux, poor sleeper etc.). With DS2 I had a terrible pregnancy with exhaustion, dehydration and low bp due to hyperemesis, excruciating SPD and every other symptom you can think of! But he has been a dream of a baby and very settled now.

After my last pregnancy I said to myself that's it no more! But DH told me last night he really wants to go again in the next 6 months. I knew that he wanted more children but this is the first time we've really properly discussed it and he is so keen. He'd love to go again now if he could.

It's a bad time for me as I've just lost all my baby weight from DS1 and DS2 and feeling good at the minute. I'm starting up my own business and that takes up so much of my time right now. I'm also petrified that the pregnancy will be even more difficult than last time, or that we mightn't be so lucky again and the next baby could be colicky and unsettled like DS1 was for so long.

But then, none of these things are going to go away by waiting, so if we are going to have a third, why not do it now?

I'm meant to be working now but find myself thinking of being pregnant again, and baby names, and all sorts! So does that mean I am ready for another???

Then there is the practicalities and expense, we have a large house so that isn't an issue, but what about cars? Will we need to get 7 seater if we have 3 car seats? And childcare?

Sorry such a long rant, but those of you that have been there, would really appreciate your advice!

Thanks xo

[livinonaprayer]

We have 3, and I don't think there ever is necessarily a 'right' time. How did you make the decision to have your 2nd? we didn't want ours to be too far apart but some people prefer a bit more of a gap.

As for car thing, we managed to fit 3 car seats in the back of our mondeo but will depend on your car.

Not been that much help I dont think !!

[rosiemama]

thanks for ur reply!

having 2 wasn't a difficult decision at all, i knew before i even had my 1st that i'd want another soon after.

have told hubby i'm not ready yet but won't rule it out so will see in a few months how i feel.

i think i would like three but the idea of another difficult pregnancy is putting me off so it might just be too soon.

but like you i wouldnt want too much of a gap either!

[mosschops30]

I have 3 and they are all quite well spaced.
My third pregnancy was the worst by far, the birth was traumatic and i ended up with PTSD.
Dh has a transporter now so we have more room but i have a mini clubman and we can all get in there too.
Holidays are difficult because rooms or apartments usually sleep up to 4.
Childcare is not a problem for us.

However, we knew we wanted 3 and went for it. I find it much harder than 2 and notice a real difference if one is away, its much easier.

You know you wikk go for it, nothing would have stopped us, there are just niggly things, nothing important

[25goingon95]

I'll be watching this. DH and i are ready to strangle eachother because we talk about it every single night! I say no one night and he is all for a third, then the next night im saying yes lets go for it and he says no!! It goes on and on like that! Driving us mad. Should we have baby no.3 or not? My ovaries are screaming at me to go for it

Sorry OP im not much help to you am i!

[Bunsouttheoven]

Watching with interest, I am just pregnant with dc3. It was an accident, a few months ago I would gave felt pleased but I'd just decided that 2 was enough

I had spd in last with dc2 pregnancy & shoulder dystocia at birth.

Struggling to see the positives at the moment, plus morning sickness is awful. Moan moan moan, sorry

[mamsnet]

Depending on how big a deal you consider the hyperemesis to be, the probabilities of that increase with each pregnancy. My sister took the risk the third time and was very ill.. Number four was definitely out for her.

Search through old threads on here.. This debate comes up constantly.

[Tommy]

We have 3 DSs - I desperately wanted a third and I had a M/C in bewteen so the gap between DS2 and DS3 is a bit bigger than I would have liked ideally but - hey ho - you don't always get to choose do you?

Three car seats fitted into the back of our Berlingo - no problem.

Ds3's clothes are all a bit raggedy having been through 2 boys before him

It's usually a bit mad round here (always)

Most "family tickets" , hotel rooms etc think a family is made up of 2 adults and 2 children so that's a bit of a PITA

but I can honestly say that I LOVE having 3 boys and the best moment in my life was the morning after DS3 was born (at home) when his big brothers came in and met him for the first time

[thisisyesterday]

in my case, as soon as ds2 was born i was like "i wanna do it again"

we have a 19 month gap between ds2 and ds3.

it's been really, really, really hard work and i would def have a bigger gap next time lol

i just knew that i wanted more than 2 and it seemed like we may as well do it and get it all over and done with iyswim

on a practical level we have a volvo v70 which fits 3 seats across the back.
the 2 little boys share a room and ds1 has his own.

i am not in the same situation as you though isasmuch as i am a sahm... so i wasn't affected by childcare costs or going back to work

[harecare]

We had an accident this month which now leads to no.3. I had always wanted 3, but just recently thought that 2 would be perfect. Especially as I know DP wants a boy and I can't guarantee that.
I took the morning after pill, but only after 48 hours and I guess I was already pregnant then. I had SPD before and I can already feel it starting. I also run my own business, it's been going less than a year and is doing OK, but relies very heavily on me and my skills, I don't know how I'll continue through pregnancy/birth. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end though. I know 3 seats go in my car and childcare will work around me working short contact sessions and admin when DCs asleep and DPs self employed hours.
I do feel guilty about having a 3rd child as that seems more than our fair share.
Good luck with your decision.

[PanicMode]

My mother always said to me that you never regret the children you have, but the ones you don't have! They only had two and say they regret not having more. We had an accidental %234, so looking back 3 was easy!!

[PanicMode]

That should say no.4 not 234!!!!

[Octaviapink]

Lol @ panicmode - I thought you meant that DCs 2, 3 and 4 had all been accidents!

We would dearly like a 3rd one, but I'm a childminder and we can't afford for me not to be as we need that and DH's salary. If we had a 3rd one I couldn't childmind any longer. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that DH gets a massive payrise or a new job in the next year or so (am 40, so time ticking along).

[ASByatt]

Actually I don't think that it is true that noone regrets having a child, and that myth creates a situation where it's then taboo for someone to say if that's how they feel.

Doesn't mean that you don't love that child once they arrive! - But it is possible for people to realise that maybe it would have been better otherwise. My Dsis is in that position, and I know that she feels terrible guilt for feeling that way about her son - whom she adores, I must reiterate.

[addressbook]

watching this with interest. I have 2 dcs and would love a third, as would dh.

Our issue is space. We have a small three bedroomed semi. I suppose my other two could share, but it would be a squeeze.

I don't enjoy pregnancy that much. I struggle with sickness, low energy and aches and pains (spd). Okay no different to most pregnant women, but I get so big and uncomfortable. I just don't know how I would run around after my other two. Birth has been difficult both times. I had a third degree tear last time and I am scared about the damage another would do.

I also feel I am being a bit 'greedy', especially as I don't have a lot of space. I do worry about the environment and wonder if it is ethical to have a third.

That said, I love being a mum and know I have plenty of love and a nice family to offer another child. I am a sahm so childcare wouldn't be an issue. However if we wanted a bigger house, I may have to go back to work.

The decision to have my first and second were so easy. This one is not so easy.

[addressbook]

How sad to regret a child

[ASByatt]

It is sad, and the guilt that comes with it is terrible.
So, sorry to sound fussy, but I don't like it when people throw around the 'noone regrets having a child' thing.

[PanicMode]

ASByatt I completely relate to your first statement. I was adamant that we were finished after 3 and DH was going to go for the snip. He kept putting it off, and although we were using contraception, it failed and DS3 is the result. When I found out I was pg with a fourth, I literally went into shock; stood at the top of the stairs, clutching the test, shaking and crying and just yelling "NO, NO, I can't, I can't" at my DH who was at the bottom of the stairs with our just turned 1 year old. I was in complete pieces, and had a LOT of counselling and had awful thoughts about wanting a miscarriage and being very, very negative about having another child. I couldn't imagine finding space in my day for another baby, and I was worried that because I'd had such a negative reaction to finding out I was pg that I would never bond with the baby. It took a huge amount of courage to admit to friends who were congratulating me that actually it wasn't what I wanted, and I really didn't think it was good news etc. Some people were a bit taken aback, but I was overwhelmed with the support that most of them showed me and without my wonderful DH most of all, but my friends, my family and my counsellor I think I would have gone down into a very black hole.

Of course once he'd arrived, I couldn't imagine life without him, and although we've had to revise our plans for their education, and my being able to work etc, it's been a very happy accident - although I do look at all four of them some days and think how completely mad it is that I have four children!!

[mamsnet]

I'm with ASByatt on this one. This old chestnut comes out practically weekly on here and I usually don't even open the threads any more. Of course you
Ove the child you have, but what the hell is wrong with admitting that it might not be the best thing for all the people in the equation.. Siblings, parents and sometimes even elderly gps who row in to help????
I know somebody who has 3.. She was a great mum for the first two, but, much as she loves no 3, her baby, I really don't think, (in fact, i know..) she's coping all that well.. Was that really fair on herself, her struggling marriage and her two elder girls???
Flame me if you must but in think you can't just bring it down to carseats and bedroom space..

[Eglu]

I have just had number 3. It was a horrendous pregnancy. After 2 okay ones.

If I was you after what you had been through I wouldn't put myself through it again. But only you know if you want another baby.

[rosiemama]

thank you so much for all the replies and sorry i'm only replying now, we had a hectic week! another child would only add to the hecticness right now..

i think we've come to the decision that now is not the right time. but we aren't going to rule it out for the future.

i know if i had a baby right now i would love it as much as DS1 and DS2 and wouldn't like to think i would regret it, but it would certainly make life a lot more difficult and i'd have to put some things on hold. maybe i'm being selfish but i don't want to do that right now.

i don't know if i will ever come round, but DH is content for now to leave that conversation for another time, and who knows, when DS1 starts school i might be dying for another baby

wish you all luck with your pregnancies / deciding on the future xo