This really is my own doing! :0(

[Vondo]

Hi there - regularly lurk and occasionally post but could really do with MN experience here!

DS1 (9) has had a letter home from school today - first week back, I'm so disappointed. They have said that he has been involved in a number of "low-level distruptions" since term has began and they'd like us to go in to discuss how to move forward.

DS1 has always been quite vocal and at times cheeky. He's always been this way with me but I didn't think he was actually like that outside (niave I know). He's never cheeky with DH. He has no respect for me and to be honest its probably been my own doing. I'm terrible at sticking to punishments and am as soft as mud with him. He knows, or knew, that if he pushed me I'd finally give in. I recognised this as a complete downfall and have tried to counter act this by sticking to punishments, making sure I follow through on what I say but he seems to just fight back more.

He's had notes home before from school and I have stupidly dealt with this myself, only telling DH of a few of the occasions. Now I have done this because to be honest, DH has a shocking quick temper (something DS1 has inherited) and although DS1 loves him more than anything he is scared of him when he's getting into trouble. My maternal instinct comes into play and I hate seeing him scared so to save all the agro I deal with it myself . Now please don't jump to conclusion and think that DH is a bad father, he is far from it but he was brought up in a home where problems were dealt with by shouting and he automatically falls into this pattern. DH and I have spoken about how I don't like how he handles it and the last few times that he's been giving DS1 into trouble there has been no shouting and its all be calmly done (something I'm proud of DH for working on) but the problem now lies where DS never wants me to tell DH when he's in trouble and that is because I've done it before. I told DS that things would change and that I would be telling DH about all of his misdemeanours because nothing I was doing was making any difference - he needs his Dad to be involved.

I feel at my wits end - I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't know what I'm asking for here - I suppose I just wanted to vent. I'm just tired of the constant fight with DS1 but I also know that its because of the way I've acted in the past that he thinks he can act like this now. I don't know what to do to make this better - I feel like such a failure as a mum

[Vondo]

Sorry its long - thanks for reading though x

[pictish]

Well for goodness sake, strap on a pair before he becomes a management problem in school, and beyond!

Sorry to be rude like, but you're doing him no favours at all! You're not his pal, you're his parent!

[AgentProvocateur]

Gosh, I don't think you're a crap parent, but you and your DH really need to step up to the plate and deal with this. He's 9 and he's had several notes home from school already, and another one just days into the new term.

Presumably he's in P4. If you don't get his behaviour sorted out now, can you imagine what he will be like in secondary school?

[Vondo]

the notes he's had home have been "he didn't stop writing when asked" "he kicked the ball on to the school roof" "he was laughing with another while teacher was talking". When we go to parents nights the teachers have always commented that is generally good in class and they just think that he lacks concentration sometimes and is easily distracted.

We have spoken to the school before regarding his behaviour due to the notes being sent home and they have reiterated to us that by no means is he a "management problem" its just their policy to tell the parents anytime they have had to speak to a child. They have said that he is generally polite and well behaved but can easily be led by the other boys in the class and can sometimes speak before he thinks.

I am in no way trying to be his friend. I have already said that I am trying to put right where I have gone wrong, which has been sticking to the punishments.

[pictish]

So if there isn't a problem to speak of, then why did you start this thread??
I am confused now.

[IslaValargeone]

Hopefully the combination of school + dad discipline might help to sort his behaviour out before it escalates from low level to potentially something more.
Good opportunity for a chat about being led astray by others etc.
You definitely have to stop being the soft touch though.

[Lilyloo]

I would be very surprised if any school informed parents every time they had a to 'speak' to a child tbh
I would personally tell dh and discuss how you will deal with it together. To get a letter home within the first week isn't good. I would be very firm with him and follow through any punishment you decide with dh , hopefully you can nip it in the bud before it escalates.

[Vondo]

I never said there wasn't a problem. I said that even though the school are sending home letters they are saying that its not that big of a problem.

If you had read my OP I said that I didn't know what I was asking. I said that I'm tired of the fighting with DS. No matter how strict I am with him he still can't seem to stop himself from holding his tongue with me. He doesn't walk all over me - he gets punished when he does wrong but in the past I was quick to let him out of the punishments earlier and this is where things have gone wrong.

He acts one way with me and a different way for everyone else

[Lilyloo]

'He acts one way with me and a different way for everyone else'
I don't think this is much different from most kids tbh but i do tthink if he is acting more like that in school you need to give him a sharp shock.
He is only 9 and it isn't to late to come down hard. I would give him the you are nearly going to high school , expectations and consequences are changing now.
I do think if he is aware you keep things from dh just by telling him you and dh will deal with things together may be a big enough shock.
FWIW i have a 9yr old and he can be as cheeky as most of his friends can , you aren't alone with that one.

[ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin]

You know what the answer is really, soft as mud.
Insist on manners, be consistent about the consequences of poor behaviour and don't be soft.
You also need to sit down and plan a united approach with your OH.
It will take time and effort, but he's 9 and it will be easier now than when he's 13 or 14.

[Vondo]

Lilyloo - I questioned that as well. I was told that they feel its best to write a note in their diary that they had to be told off then the parents know what is going on. After speaking with a few of the other parents (in general not specifically about DS) they have said that they receive the same - a note in their diary if they have been told off for something, be it taking too long to get changed for gym or skipping the lunch queue.

I have stopped being the soft touch and explained to DS that things are going to change. Its the cheek that he can't seem to rein in and thats what the biggest problem is.

[Vondo]

I told him at the start of term there would be no hiding things this year. DH would know of everything that happened. He knows that whatever happens we shall both be dealing with it. DH knows about this letter and has told him that we will both be going to the school to discuss it.

We both sat him down and talked to him about how he has to try and think before he speaks because thats what ends up getting him into so much trouble and thats what most of DS and my arguments are about - he can get told off for something and he answers back and it turns into something so much bigger than it should be. Hopefully this is the start of "nipping it in the bud".

[Lilyloo]

Good luck , don't feel a failure bringing up kids is tough
The cheeky thing is part of being a 9 year old and testing the boundarys too i think. They just need to learn when it's going to far.

[Vondo]

Cheers Lilyloo

He definately tests his boundarys with me - he knows where they are with his dad and thats where the difference lies!

He does have a tendancy to take things too far - he just needs to recognise that.

[BlueArmyGirl]

Tbh, if school have dealt with a problem and it is not an ongoing 'had to tell his twenty times today' type, I really think it is a bit much to write home about it everyday. If you have regualr contact at parents evening where you are told he is generally ok and certainly manageable then I would only expect to find out if that changed or there were one off but significant issues. If he's been disciplined once at school and the punishment has fit the crime that should be the end of it.

As for the cheek, that is part and parcle of growing up. As far as thy are concerened they're not being cheeky they are staing how unjust they feel it is or why you are actually wrong. Mine does it and I hate it. I have taken to giving him a sporting analogy to try to help him to 'get it'. Baically I am the referee and he is the player. What I say goes and he doesn't answer me back or he get's sin-binned. It's not perfect but it helps :)

[greengirl87]

sticking to your guns is the most important thing, aand maybe a serious dressing down from dh will be enough to shock some sense into him.

[GnomeDePlume]

If the school has written home then there is a problem.

You describe your son as being 'vocal' and 'cheeky' this was probably okay when he was younger but now it sounds like it has got out of hand. TBH I think you may have to reset what you find tolerable. A period of pulling him up on all 'smart arse' type comments whether back chat or not may help him to understand the boundaries a bit better.

I think all children go through a phase when they speak before thinking. Consistently picking them up on it helps them to learn what is and isnt acceptable. A number of times we have said to ours 'that thought should have stayed in your head'.

[ellesabe]

What a bizarre policy to send a little note home whenever a child has been told off! Are you also informed every time they are congratulated for something? It all seems very negative to me and it sounds like you both need to take your ds into school to talk to his teacher about it. He needs to see a united front and I think a lot of communication is being lost in the excessive note-sending!