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Is it mean/cruel/wrong to not recipricate a cuddle

(43 Posts)
TheOriginalFAB Thu 18-Aug-11 17:12:20

from your child who is 10 and has been vile all week to you?

MadamDeathstare Thu 18-Aug-11 17:14:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsu Thu 18-Aug-11 17:20:18

Depends if the cuddle is his way of trying to make up/be nicer/ start a new page with you. If so then you holding a grudge and turning him away is a bit mean and childish.
Can you use his nice mood and cuddliness right now to have a chat along the lines of 'it's so much nicer when you behave like this' and talk about how behaviour should be going forward?

MadamDeathstare Thu 18-Aug-11 17:30:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

create Thu 18-Aug-11 17:32:32

DS1 (10yo) is really not cuddly, but will come and cuddle me when he's made me really angry. That's got to be the best way of making up and putting it all behind you both surely?

I always cuddle him back, but maybe that's because I don't get many opportunities!

TheOriginalFAB Thu 18-Aug-11 17:34:27

He wants to cuddle as a way to make up I suspect but I was just too angry after a week of it, as well as trying to clear up the mess.

The younger ones are copying and ny 8 year old kept on and on even though I said to her 5 times to be quiet and listen and not say another word, she kept on.

Everything is a battle with them.

If they ever said yes or stopped the first time when asked I think I would faint with shock.

I am not being petty, I am showing him he can't treat me like crap then think a cuddle makes everything all right. It really doesn't.

create Thu 18-Aug-11 17:51:11

I don't know FAB. I do understand how you feel and know full well that they can drive you to the end of your tether, but in IME a cuddle does make everything all right smile

FWIW, I find the only way to deal with school holidays is to be extra strict about consequences for even small misdemeanours, thereby (hopefully) nipping it in the bud before it gets to this stage. It's not too late. I'd appologise for having been grumpy, but explain that the way he'd behaved was so bad it had made me feel like that, give him the cuddle and start afresh tomorrow, expecting good behaviour and jumping on him the minute it was anything less than perfect. Good luck

TheOriginalFAB Thu 18-Aug-11 17:59:54

I can't even stand the noise of them playing. The have been vile and then I have told them off and now they are all happy and I am feeling shite.

NoTeaForMe Fri 19-Aug-11 08:24:18

I think a cuddle does go a long way in making everything right again doesn't it? Maybe it depends on what he's done? I don't know, I think at 10 he's trying to say sorry and make up with his Mum in the only/best way he knows. Cuddle him and explain calmly why you don't like his behaviour thus week and that cuddles and a nice son is so much better.

Disclaimer : I don't have a 10 year old, only a 10 month old!!!

ChildofIsis Fri 19-Aug-11 08:36:19

It sounds like you're having a bad time of it.
Are you getting any time to yourself?

We're at a difficult point in the holidays, been off school weeks and a while still to go.
The more upset you get the more the kids will pick up on it.

Are you able to get out of the house and go for a fun running around outside day to let off steam?

I hope you soon feel better about it all.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 08:44:59

TBH I am really struggling and while dh has offered to take the kids out today, I know he feels crap about it sometimes as he wants us all to be together. It also means we don't get any time together and by the time the kids are asleep we are ready for bed ourselves. It has dawned on me that I made a big mistake having so many children and really should have been more sorted mentally than I am. I have a lot going on and there is no time just to sit and not have to think and it only gets harder as the children get older. My MIL is saying things to my oldest that I am not happy about and I know she thinks I am doing a crap job of looking after them. She has never thought I would be a good mum (once on the basis of I didn't hear the baby next door crying in the night when I stayed at her house before we were even expecting dc1) and I have no family of my own.

ChildofIsis Fri 19-Aug-11 09:06:52

Sounds like your mil is undermining you and you've started to believe her.
She's not helping you and no doubt has her own agenda behind what she says, probably a mixture of jealousy and regret.

Perhaps you would do things different if you had your time again.
However you do have the children and they have you.

It's clear that you're a bit burdened by it all at the moment.

I think you do need some time apart, then you're more than happy to be with the family when you're all back together.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings?

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 09:11:05

My MIL is all about the kids. She tolerates me for the sake of seeing them.

DS2 has just burst in to the room saying that dd was going to hit him and dd said dh said she can't complain if he hits her back so clearly they have been fighting downstairs.

When I tired to tell the gp I was struggling with the kids he just said the would all be at school soon (ds2 was 4 then) and won't discuss them now.

I am going for a shower now as I can't stay in bed all day.

FlamingoBingo Fri 19-Aug-11 09:15:52

Yes, sorry, I think it's entirely wrong and also counter-productive. Children's bad behaviour often stems from insecurity and refusing to cuddle them can only make them more insecure - you're basically saying 'I only love you when you're nice'. even if you tell them you love them, children need to have it physically demonstrated to them for it to touch the subconscious part of their brains -the bit that really needs it.

Struggling with children is shite, though, and I can totally relate to the feeling of not wanting badly behaved children anywhere near you!

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 09:28:54

I appreciate your reply FB as I didn't know if I was right. I say to my children that I love them very very much but don't like their behaviour. Maybe they are too young to understand the difference?

DS1 and I had played monopoly in the morning and I had really enjoyed that, then it all went pear shapped in the afternoon.

MockingbirdsNotForSale Fri 19-Aug-11 09:51:39

I don't have children of that age yet but I could not ignore your post as you sound at the end of your rope. I have heard very good reviews of this. If you have time to read it it might help? You sound like you need to reconnect with your children. Perhaps your oldest DS is trying to reconnect with you through the cuddle and you should reciprocate. It might make you feel better?

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 10:12:51

DH has just said we have done things my way and we now have 3 kids with no fear of consequences and they lie, etc. He says it is his way now.

I hate to see him upset and cross as I know he thought I would be a good mum.

MNFS - I have that book. Just got it out to read when back form food shopping. I have lots of books, just no time to read them and with no being well I can't retain the info and with constant exhaustion I have a short temper.

FlamingoBingo Fri 19-Aug-11 11:29:23

FAB - I don't think they're too young to understand the difference, I just think that they can't feel love unless it's physical. Saying it while frowning at them just confuses them. And I'm talking about their subconsciousness here - not their rational thinking brain. Security comes from what they know within themselves, not from what they know on the surface IYSWIM.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 11:54:49

I guess as I am confused I should know that they would be. I have been told my children are clearly very secure as they can be awful to me and not worry about it.

FlamingoBingo Fri 19-Aug-11 13:28:49

I'm not saying theyr'e not secure, but it's in human nature to go through periods of insecurity -think of it like checking your base every now and then, just to be sure. I'm suggesting to you that not proving to them that their base is, in fact, secure might make them behave worse - test their base more. Do you see what I mean?

FWIW, FAB, over the years I've 'known' you, I think you're a fantastic mum simply because you do ask these questions and check things over repeatedly.

Life as a mum is very difficult when you live with emotional issues like you (and I) do.

xx

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 15:36:40

I have started reading playful parenting.

If I could get a proper rest and break from the kids I know I could do so much better. It is so full on and there is never any time for me to catch my breath or think.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 15:41:38

Thank you FB. I hope you are doing okay?

numptysmummy Fri 19-Aug-11 15:48:30

OP -i'm in pretty much the same place as you atm. It's like a roller coaster ride,either really good or utter shite and i long for normal,whatever that is. I have also not cuddled my eldest dd back when her behaviour has been awful because i don't see how else she will understand that she has hurt my feelings and that a quick cuddle isn't enough to make everything o.k. Yes,it maybe a start but there is so much more to being sorry for something you have said or done. I hope back to school will help.

FlamingoBingo Fri 19-Aug-11 15:50:50

I'm much better recently, thank you, Fab. Have found huge solace in writing and really surprised myself. Am writing about it for the Mslexia (women's writers' magazine) blog Aug, Sept, Oct, actually. It's changed my life.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 19-Aug-11 16:05:59

I used to write. I have been published twice. I miss it.

Well done to you, FB.

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