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feel really guilty thinking this but feel a bit bad that my kids aren't 'brilliant' at things?

(9 Posts)
curlycarla Tue 16-Aug-11 17:27:21

My 7yr old dd is a bit of a shy, worrying, anxious child. She's doing ok at school (report said she's right where she should be at this age performance wise) but teachers say she needs a lot of reasurrance and has a tendency to spend lunchtimes holding teachers/dinnerladies hands.

She is very happy and giddy and funny at home, she has friends at school and in our street.

I should be very happy shouldn't i?

However, feel like I'm constantly hearing from other mum friends about how their kids (same age) are moving into next class for maths, produced fantastic written report at school, swam a mile in a swimming pool, won every race in the school sports day, can ride a bike for 6 miles, won a dancing/singing competition, has got the lead in a play, does activities every night and is brilliant at them all....not all of these are mums showing off. A lot of them are really close friends and family who are not shouting about it but you just hear don't you?

I thought my daughter might be good at swimming but tonight she's got really upset and anxious about her swimming lesson to the point of tears. She's done this for the last 3wks and I've given in and told her she doesn't have to have lessons anymore if she's not enjoying them. (she can swim fine but I wanted her to be 'good' at it, to give her some confidence in herself)

I also sometimes feel like other people's kids are really outgoing and chatty and polite to adults. My dd isn't rude but she's shy, she'll say hello and smile but she won't initiate a conversation with an adult she doesn't know very well.

I feel really, really guilty feeling bad about this. I KNOW other mums would love to have such a trivial worry about their kids. I also KNOW that not every child can be winner/best.

I'm being stupid aren't i? Does anyone else ever feel like this?

cjbartlett Tue 16-Aug-11 17:31:17

I honestly dont know the kind of people who brag about their kids all the time
No one at my school talked about the yr 2 SAts results so I've no idea where ds is in comparison to his friends

moffat Tue 16-Aug-11 17:40:55

I remember feeling a bit like this with my dcs but then read a book called "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" in which the author discussed how he had placed unfair expectations on his own ds which prevented him from appreciating him.

That made me realise that true love does not judge and I realised that I was being very unfair to my own dss by comparing them to others and that this might have been linked to my own lack of self-esteem.

If it helps I think you will stop feeling lilke this once you start focussing on all the great things about your dd and not dwelling on what she can't do. Now it really does not bother me at all when I hear about the dss' peers and what they are up to as I don't see it as a reflection on my dss.

MrsGravy Tue 16-Aug-11 19:35:13

I have felt like this at times about my 6yo DD. She's not shy at all but she's, in the teacher's words, 'middle of the road' academically. I have yet to launch into loads of after school activities so she has no 'talent' to boast of yet.

And although she's not shy she has definitely found herself on the outside of the big dominant crowd of girls in her class.

Thing is though, there is loads and loads to be proud of with her so I just remind myself of that whenever I feel my inner 'Dragon Mum' rearing her ugly head. I barely have to raise my voice to her she is so inately well-behaved, she's very happy and sweet natured. She's funny and brilliant company. These are difficult things to 'boast' of but I actually wouldn't swap them for a place on the gifted and talented register. I tell her all the time that these are the things that I love about her and that make me proud too, as I don't think she gets a lot of praise while she cruises along in the 'middle of the road' at school.

donteatyourteawithnoknickerson Tue 16-Aug-11 21:28:23

MrsGravy I could have written your post. My DD1 is exactly the same - a polite, funny, happy, well behaved girl, but middle of the road in the traditional "achievement" stakes. She also has friends but none close, and is liked by everyone but not actually with the crowd, iykwim.

I'm learning to boast about these things that she has, and not to worry too much about her being fantastic at something. But, OP, it is hard sometimes, I can totally understand where you are coming from smile

Haggisfish Tue 16-Aug-11 21:38:22

I was that middle of the road shy girl at school! I really came into myself when I went into sixth form and then more at Uni. Unlike all the biggest and best kids at school, who went to Uni and became small fish in a big pond and kind of faded into the background. Hope that might reassure you! What were you like at primary school?

mrsravelstein Tue 16-Aug-11 21:43:21

i felt like that about ds1 when he was about the same age. i had expected him to either be brilliant at music (as i was) or brilliant at sports (as his dad was) and certainly that he'd be academically top of the class (as both parents were) etc. he turned out to be dyslexic, have 2 left feet, tone deaf, etc.

he's now 10 and over the last few years i have learned to appreciate all the things he is really good at, even though none of them are remotely 'boast-able' and none of them are evident or relevant at school. he's very very funny, can mend anything, is brilliant with little kids and animals, and has an amazing ability to charm people of all ages. all of these are much more useful life skills than coming top in the school poetry competition.

newgirl Tue 16-Aug-11 21:48:47

i don't know if this helps but maybe her thing is going to come later in life - my brother was not great at sports and is now in the gb team for triathlon - which obviously wasn't a school activity. He was also very young in his year so never in the sports teams. who knows what your dd will love and be great at in later life - it is all yet to come.

curlycarla Wed 17-Aug-11 09:28:34

thanks everyone! Feel very reasurred that it's not just me who feels like this sometimes.

I was exactly the same as her at primary school, anxious worrier, bit shy, always on the back row at school shows!

Like someone else said, I came into my own at 6th form and Uni and while I'm still not 'brilliant' at anything I'm confident, outgoing and know that there are things I'm good at!

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