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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Worst summer holiday ever

33 replies

LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 16:41

I have a yr2 and yr7.

The yr2 is swearing, destroying property, biting wooden blinds, cutting chairs etc.

The yr7 is refusing to do as she is told e.g going to bed at midnight, stealing food, kicking holes in doors, refusing to do anything asked of her.

We should be on our holiday this week but I cancelled it because their behaviour has been so shocking. Lost the deposit obviously. Ebayed tickets to the theatre I had bought.

When we have been out to the cinema, park and restaurants they have acted like they are feral.

I have stopped taking them out and we are just staying in day after day. There behaviour is still awful. Constant shouting, swearing, door slamming, throwing things etc.

I am at the end of my tether. Timeouts, marbles in jars- nothing works.

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MrsGravy · 15/08/2011 16:56

That sounds absolutely horrendous. Has their behaviour always been like this? Do they have any SEN? I wonder if your HV could help. I'm afraid it's a bit beyond me, I'm not sure what to suggest.

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 17:13

No SEN - the reverse they are bright children.

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 17:14

In fact the eldest is on the G&T at school

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midnightexpress · 15/08/2011 17:19

What do they do and what do you do with them on a day to day basis? My DC are younger than yours, but they are definitely worse behaved when we're stuck indoors, when I get ratty with them and then things just get worse and worse. Things always improve hugely when we're out and about. Do you think they are bored maybe?

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JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2011 17:20

Do you mean your DCs are 2 and 7, or that they're in years 2 and 7?

Some of the things you're describing (such as biting wooden blinds) are a little unusual - are you sure there are no other issues?

Being bright doesn't preclude a child from having SNs of various sorts.

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bumpybecky · 15/08/2011 17:22

I was about to suggest that they might be bored :(

Sounds horrible for all of you. Have you tried to sit them down and talking to them, asking them why they are behaving like this?

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JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/08/2011 17:22

Sorry - I meant to say that it sounds horrendous - I'm not srprised you're at the end of your tether.

midnight is probably right about them being bored - I can see why you cancelled the holiday but it might have been counterproductive. I do feel for you though.

Is their dad around?

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aquos · 15/08/2011 17:28

I think it's sometimes hard when you're in the middle of it to be able to see the wood for the trees. Has it always been like this? Have they both recently kicked off? Did one of them kick off first and the others followed suit? Has something happened that's shaken them or you recently? Can you tell us a bit more?

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 17:53

They are year two and seven.

No dad. Takes us to court all the time but doesn't see them.

It s not boredam- when we go out e.g to fairs etc they are the same.

Whats changed recently is that I am not carrying on doing my part (e.g holidays) when the basics are not forthcoming from them.

I am so low, so, so low.

I have tried talking to them. I have begged them to behave. NOthing changes. I can't understand why bright children would behave like this.

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aquos · 15/08/2011 18:33

Ok. Here's my twopennorth worth, feel free to disregard if I'm wide of the mark.

Take them out tomorrow to your biggest, nearest, widest open space. Get some fresh air in all of your lungs and give the little one time to work off some of that energy. What ever goes on behaviour wise, let it go. Your only goal is to get out.

At home, start with the youngest child and get back to basics with boundaries and routine. Once you've reestablished your position with the youngest you can start to work on the eldest.

You've got to want to do it. You're the adult, the kids will be looking for some leadership and direction from you. If they're not getting that they will be feeling and acting out of control.

Soon they will both be back at school. Once you have a few hours a day to yourself you can then start to prioritise your own needs and look after yourself. Whether that means rest, exercise or time with friends to let off steam.

You are the key to all of this and to be able to be effective you must look after yourself and your own needs.

If the kids behaviour still seems too overwhelming start by picking one thing for each child that's causing you the most grief and work solely on that issue. Ie swearing for little un, bedtimes for big un and let the rest go for now.

Good luck, it's hard, unrewarding work, but the goal is to make your life easier by putting in some super human effort now.

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ragged · 15/08/2011 18:39

Attention seeking... mine behave like that when I am too tired to come down on them like a tonne of bricks. Sympathies, it's very very tough, I know. I am doing a lot of time outs (sitting at bottom of stairs). And playing with them whenever possible. :(

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 18:46

Aquos- the problem when you say I am the key to this is I am so ground down that I don't want to continue the CONSTANT discipline. How many times do I have to say basic things like wash your hands, clean your teeth without a fight. NO matter how much effort I put into making their lives fun they don't meet me on the other side. I know I sound like a baby but I am so DONE. I can't even post about their father for fears it will out me. We never have calm in our lives cos the threat of court is always over our heads. He is trying to break me but little does he know the kids have already done that!!!!

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 18:53

I am grateful for all your replies.

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thisisyesterday · 15/08/2011 18:57

"No SEN - the reverse they are bright children."

the 2 are not mutually exclusive you know

anyway, i think that the longer you spend indoors the worse it will get. they are BORED.

it's all well and good saying you can't carry on with constant discipline, but you've GOT to. You can't be disciplining them sometimes and not others, or they just learn that you don't mean what you say

what prompts the behaviour? i mean why does your 6 year old bite blinds? why is your 11 year old kicking holes in the door? what triggers these tantrums?

do you spend much time with them?

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purplepidjin · 15/08/2011 19:04

Put a structure in place sort of like a school but with fun stuff. So you can say "when you've cleaned your teeth we can do some painting" kind of thing. Start with little amounts of time and short activities, then once they can be trusted with that they earn the big stuff - if you behave today we'll go swimming tomorrow, for example.

With the 11yo, is there a reason eg school for the bwhaviour? I work with people with sn and behaviour is a form of communication. Maybe dc1 is missing friends, being bullied, pissed off at dad etc. Can you farm dc2 out to friends for a few hours and have a proper discussion? Give dc1 some responsibility and agree house rules that everyone has to follow - make a show of following them yourself to make it "fair".

Stay strong, you can do this

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aquos · 15/08/2011 19:12

I know LittleBo. I can hear how worn out you are. I do understand. You can only do what you can do. If for now that is nothing then so be it. Care for their basic needs, but if anything more than that is too much at the moment then that's the way it is.

Could your GP help. Medication for depression or anxiety? Or maybe some counselling, someone independent and non judgemental to off load to.

Parenting does require constant input. When things have gone awry it requires monumental effort to get it back on track. Ultimately though only you can do that. (spoken from personal experience).

School holidays are difficult for most parents even when things are otherwise going well. How long until your two are back at school? Any chance you can 'float' above the chaos until they are back at school and you've got time to catch your breath?

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 19:12

I didn't mean to insult anyone saying that they are not SEN but the reverse. I know they can be both. Infact the eldest would be SEN cos she is G&T. I just meant they have not been diagnosed with anything else. I always tell the girls that no-one is born perfect and that we all have a sliding scale of problems/issues. Just as I am sure you tell your children that.

Would you want take them out if they behaved this way in public and were not bothered what the consequence was? My yr7 knows I cannot stop her from defying me- where do you go from there?!!

I spend ALL my time with them- its just me and them. ALL. THE. TIME.

I honestly don't think its boredam as usually we would be out every day- beach, boot fairs, cinema, parks, cycling. I can't keep taking them out when nothing changes and bikes are repeatedly thrown on the floor, younger dd won't watch film etc.

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2BoysTooLoud · 15/08/2011 19:14

Have you supportive relative or friend that could come over? Would an extra person help curb their behaviour? Maybe take the pressure off if you go out and about/ distract them from worst of behaviour?

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 19:19

Older dd is damaged from what has happened in the past but is doesn't mean she can tell me I am a slag etc............

Don't want to go on anti depressants cos of court stuff- don't want to give him ammunition. Had counselling but 6wks doesn't cut it. We as a family need long term help cos of the instability court issues bring into our lives but that is just not available. ELder DD had some counselling but there is no quick fix to ongoing hurt. She didn't want to talk anyway. I get to be her punching bag.

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2BoysTooLoud · 15/08/2011 19:21

Is there a relative or friend of yours they respect? I know this needs a long term solution but at the moment you need something to take the pressure off you.

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LittleBoSqueak · 15/08/2011 19:21

There is no-one just me. I had a breast biopsy recently and it was awful to think that I can't even be ill cos there is no-one but me. IYSWIM.

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2BoysTooLoud · 15/08/2011 19:35

Ask them if they are enjoying their holiday. Make it clear that going out etc can resume if they behave like decent human beings. Otherwise their holiday will be boring as hell as why should you put yourself out if they are being little shits? I get the impression there are complex issues and that I am probably being simplistic but as you say - they are intelligent and should understand the consequences of misbehaving.
I do feel for you.
Good luck.

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seasidesister · 15/08/2011 19:42

Praise Praise praise ANYTHING they do right.
Get yourself some support from somewhere. You really do sound at the end of your tether.
They will be back at school soon. Plan something nice to reward yourself.

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RosemaryandThyme · 15/08/2011 19:50

I think the three of you would benefit from a few hours apart.
Could they go to kids summer clubs ? given their ages they would probably be in seperate groups.
Would give you a bit of brain-space.

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thisisyesterday · 15/08/2011 19:54

"I spend ALL my time with them- its just me and them. ALL. THE. TIME."

but what i mean is... do you DO things with them. I will admit to having days afternoons with my kids where i encourage them to watch dvd's, play on the DS, go in the garden... while i piss about on here. those days when i just don't have the energy for them
that is spending my time with them, but not actually with them iyswim?

it just sounds like they want a reaction from you, they want attention. have you asked them what they would like to do during the holidays?

"Would you want take them out if they behaved this way in public and were not bothered what the consequence was? My yr7 knows I cannot stop her from defying me- where do you go from there?!!"

no, i wouldn't but the fact that they don't care about the consequences just says to me that they aren't bothered about being there in the first place iyswim?

it sounds like you are all suffering from the family break-up. it's easy to say "ELder DD had some counselling but there is no quick fix to ongoing hurt. Sh want to talk anyway. I get to be her punching bag."
but she is showing you, through her behaviour, that things are not ok and she needs help and maybe right now you can't provide that help? i would be banging on the GP's door and insisting on more counselling for her

you speak of ammunition in court cases. i think your ex would have far more ammunition on you as a parent who cannot cope and who isn't seeking any help than if you went to your GP and said you were struggling and accepted AD's.
I honestly do.

I really do feel for you because it sounds like you're in a big vicious circle and if you fix one thing it doesn't change the rest of it and it all starts up again. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, it'll just be a long hard slog until you get there.

Maybe you could have a family meeting? make sure both children get a chance to talk and tell you what they think the problems in your family are. then you get to tell them what you think the problems are (ie, aspects of their behaviour)... then you work together on a list of house rules.
ask them what they think you should do when they misbehave... kids are great at coming up with solutions sometimes