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Desperately want more children but DH says we can't afford to

(13 Posts)
lechatnoir Tue 02-Aug-11 22:52:32

As the title says really and sadly he's absolutely right (large mortgage & change in circumstances = living on overdrafts!) but it seems so wrong to give up our dream of more children just because of a lack if cash!

Has anyone else had to abandon dreams of a larger family purely for financial or practical reasons? I need to get my head round it & learn to accept the 2 wonderful DC i have and not resent DH for not earning enough!!
Any thoughts appreciated.

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 03-Aug-11 06:44:10

If you resent your DH for not earning enough, then you seriously need a reality check. You dont mention your earnings so presume you dont work therefore he is the only person supporting your family so to resent him is horrible.

He's being very sensible, if you are living in your over draft you have financial problems already and dont have the finances to support the children you already have without adding others.

Why not look for work and get finances back on track and then see if you can support another child.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 03-Aug-11 06:49:55

Do you work, lechat?

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 03-Aug-11 07:05:25

How old are your DC and do you work?

fastweb Wed 03-Aug-11 07:28:20

and not resent DH for not earning enough!!

That doesn't look a like a brilliant basis for adding to the children you have in itself.

I understand broody.

I understand the sense of loss when the number of children you hope for doesn't (or can't) happen.

I don't understand wanting to prioritise those feelings over prioritizing the general financial stability of the family for the existing kid's sake.

I really don't understand wanting to prioritise those feelings to the point where you risk destabilizing the relationship between the parents, potentially to the detriment of the existing children.

Sometimes as a parent you have to put the kids you have first, and think rather than feel.

It is VERY hard work to push past insistent feelings and put the logic and careful thought in pole position. You have to be very persistent in telling yourself that the kid here already takes precedence over the kids who may never come to be. It won't happen if you constantly focus on how unfair it all is that you can't have what you want when you want it and cast about for somebody to blame.

I really do feel for you, like I said, I do understand the sense of loss, but I think for you sake AND the rest of your family's sake you need to to do less dwelling and focusing on what you can't have, and instead underline for yourself the benefits of making a priority of the children who are already here.

"Think not feel" as a mantra is no sub for proper counseling, but counseling is not that easy to come by and I don't know if your situation would qualify under NHS based rules (would if I was queen of the world, I know the "loss" of non exisisitng children is very painful), but it is better than nothing and can be really quite effective if you put your shoulder to it and push like mad at creating a changed internal attitude towards the issue.

Good luck love, I hope you find a way through to a happier place with the family you DO have.

lechatnoir Wed 03-Aug-11 10:50:16

Thanks for the wise words fastweb all very very true.

And to answer the other questions, contrary to what you all seemed to assume, I do work & am in fact the main/sole earner hence taking a break for maternity not being an option. In all other aspects of our lives this arrangement works perfectly - DH is great with the DC & they don't have to go to nursery/CM anymore, we get lots more family time as I have quite flexible hours and whilst we don't have any spare cash, we're far from living on the breadline. We're both late 30's so there is still time for babies in the future, but our financial situation is likely to get worse not better in the next year or so and once DS2 starts school we're banking on DH doing some work to get us back on track.

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 03-Aug-11 11:12:41

Would he be able to stay home with you going back to work with the new flexi shared leave thing? Or would you not want that option?

Is your main question 'how do we make this work' or 'how do I get over not having more children'?

I have kind of done both - got into a lot of manageble debt through paying huge nursery fees to have the 3 DC's we have but I would have loved 4. I realised very reluctantly that we just couldnt afford that fourth one and did really feel like I had 'lost' something for a long time.

Then DH had a vasectomy and I was heartbroken but bizarrely as I got used the idea I am really happy he had it as it definitely means no more and lets me draw a line and move on. Not saying this is your solution just musing out loud!

lechatnoir Wed 03-Aug-11 11:20:20

Honestly, I don't know what I'm asking just feeling the need to get it down on 'paper' as DH & I have thrashed it out too many times & I don't want it to start causing problems between us. I think I'm hoping for a bit of both: some sort of miraculous solution (ha!) and a bloody good talking to!!
I don't think I could have a baby & go back to work straight away - I had lovely a year off the first time, 9 months the 2nd and reckon I could probably cope with 6 months (so baby only 5 mths at most given I'd have to stop 4-5 weeks before) & we simply cannot afford 4.5months with just SMP. I really do just have to draw a line under the idea and find a way to move on.

BarbarianMum Wed 03-Aug-11 13:39:53

<<Has anyone else had to abandon dreams of a larger family purely for financial or practical reasons? >>

Yes, me. I have 2 children, really, really wanted 3 and am sticking with 2 cause we can't afford it. And it really hurts.

Of course, in a way, we can afford it - no-one would be homeless, or starve. But it would mean no holidays bar 1 week a year in a tent (we do 2/3 weeks in a tent now), no swimming/football/dance lessons for our existing 2, no going out for me and dh (we go out about once every couple of months now), no life insurance for me, no saving for our old age, no extras at all really and constant money worries.

Made the decision a year ago and it is getting easier to live with but it is not easy and I do sneak a cry sometimes. My age helps (will be 40 soon) so am naturally getting beyond that stage of life.

yummymummy345 Wed 03-Aug-11 14:06:09

Very surprising how you feel after having what seems to be the 'final' child. I didnt enjoy being pregnant although I had a normal so to speak pregnancy, told myself this is definately the last child (2nd) very relieved that labour over with, then, I suddenly became quite keen on having another (DH says no) my DS2 is 6 weeks old. I feel sad to part with maternity clothes, putting away the clothes DS2 has now (already) grown out of etc Do you think its quite a natural thing to feel if you have the choice seemed to be taken away from you ?

lechatnoir Wed 03-Aug-11 14:33:46

yummymummy I felt exactly like you do very soon after DS2 was born and unfortunately 2 years down the line still do. TBH I just assumed we would have a 3rd around this time but our circumstances have changed (ie I now work & DH doesn't) so it's only since then the choice has gone and yes agreed, not having the option does make it seem more desirable.

Thanks Barbarianmum I hear you & will no doubt be following in your footsteps.

TryLikingClarity Wed 03-Aug-11 14:38:36

Yummy - your 2nd child is still only very very young. Do you think part of your feelings are caused by the mix of hormones and emotions following from labour?

I'd say take time to think, stay on board with your DH and cherish the 2 LO's you have and don't let this cloud your DC2's early days.

Things might change, but as you said, there is still time.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Aug-11 05:57:57

Lechat, I promise I wasn't assuming anything.

In our case, we delayed childrearing for a long time so that we could both get our lives to the place where it was suitable. This took DH a lot longer than me. When we had DD he began a PhD, with a generous scholarship, and I went back to work 4 days a week after 5 months. So that was fine, that was the agreement, we wanted to be able to share childcare, etc.

What I didn't realise was that me being the breadwinner would impact heavily on us having a second child. I didn't even think about it until I realised that we couldn't afford for me to take substantial time off again (no paid mat leave overe here). So of course he wanted to wait until he'd finished the PhD. Perfectly sensible, but it brought up so much resentment from me, especially because I'd already waited for him to be ready the first time around.

So I wasn't being judgy, I actually know how you feel. In our case, totally logical for DH to want to change careers; he was in mining, away a lot, neither of us wanted him to miss out on raising his children. But sometimes it's hard not to look at his peers who stayed in that industry, all of whom are far richer than us now, and think if he'd kept that job I could've had the 4 or 5 children I really want.

But he wouldn't have been happy, and I don't think the kids would have been, and - well, you know. It's just all life choices that we have to live with, isn't it?

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