Please help me with 6yo DS

[faverolles]

He's bright, funny, kind and very, very brave. He has more confidence in his little finger than the rest of the family put together.
We're having massive problems with swearing, lying and beating up his older brother and sister.
We don't swear at home at all, this has come from school .
We are at the end of our tether, and haven't a clue what to do.
He's well behaved at school and doing very well, then at home, he's either very good, or an absolute monster. I dread taking him anywhere, as he'll try really hard to behave, then all of a sudden it gets too much and he's back to demon child - very embarrassing in public!
He swears when he thinks we can't hear him - to older Ds and dd, and to other dc out and about - if we hear him he goes and has time-out, but he always denies saying it, even if we heard him.
He lies about other things too, and again, even if we have seen him doing something he shouldn't, he swears blind he hasn't done it.
If he ever gets frustrated - if we stop him doing something he shouldn't be doing - he'll start kicking out at anything/anybody around him. He never gets away with this behaviour, but obviously we're doing something drastically wrong, as he's getting worse.
I feel like he's the child all the others kind of look up to, in that respect for bad boys kind of way, but he rarely gets invitations to play, I think he's seen as too challenging.
At school, they never see this side of him at all. This week at home, I would say we've had this 50% of the time.
I think school are too soft about swearing, and don't pull it up.
We are strict about it at home, but it's not getting through to my wild boy.
My other dc make me feel like an amazing mother - we have the normal ups and downs, but we can sort it out, ds2 however, seems to have come along with an agenda to make sure I really know what a rubbish mother I am.
Please help!

[mwoo]

Hi there, my DS who is 8 has similiar traits to your son. Sometimes he simply finds things too much and needs to let off steam.

He too is bright, funny and brave, although we have not had the swearing part.

Over the years I think we have got better at managing things and these are my tips. One thing for sure is that he takes longer than the average child to adapt to a new routine, things like school holidays are always fraught for the first few days while he finds his feet, we now just don't plan too much with other people for the first couple of days while he adapts.

1. Accept that he has this within him and needs to unleash it sometimes, we put him in his room which he will often trash, but he knows the rule, he is not allowed out until he is calm and put everything back where it belongs. We wrote a rule list of do's and don'ts and stuck it up on the wall in the kitchen to remind him of what was and was not acceptable.
   

1. Continue to give him a consequence each time you think he deserves it, I promise you it does eventually sink in, especially if he is missing out on stuff that he really wants to do.
   

1. Speak to the school even if there is not a problem there. My son behaves impecably at school apart from the odd scuffle in the playground, but they set up sessions with the SENCO helper who discussed with him ways in which he could take responsibility and manager his own behaviour.
   

If he is managing to hold things in at school he can control himself when he has to. At least he holds it in at school and lets it out at home, rather that way round than the other!!

1. Finally we used a book called the Red Beast that I got through amazon to show him visually that we all get angry its just that some of us have quicker tempers than others that we need to try and control.

[mwoo]

ps you sound like a great mum, don't beat yourself up about it, on hard days just remember all the good stuff and have a massive g&t at the end of it!!!

[faverolles]

Thankyou so much for answering :)
Dh and I had quite a chat yesterday, and have stuck rules on the fridge - no swearing, no hurting others and no lying.
I'm hoping this is to the point enough so it doesn't overface him.
I'll have a look for that book now!
Thanks :)

[mwoo]

Just to make you feel better, I took my son up to see Arsenal play yesterday, a treat for doing so well at school, he was so excited and loved it until Arsenal drew and didn't win the cup!

He tried really hard to hold it in, I saw a few tears and gave him a hug and he was fine until we got outside in front of about 65,000 people and then started being cheeky then got a bit cross- nice and loud for the entire stadium to hear!!! I just kept on walking checking he was near me and he apologised and held my hand within minutes.

One thing is for sure, he admits it when hes done something wrong and his apologies are coming quicker, hopefully in time the need for an apology will not be required!!!

Good luck!