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I almost hurt my baby :-(

(27 Posts)
Unrecognisable Tue 26-Jul-11 23:43:37

name changed as so sad about this.

I've had a particularly trying day with DD (1 yo) not napping and being very shrieky. She is a bad sleeper at the moment too so no doubt that is making everything worse...She just woke up again (about every hour tonight so far) and I tried settling her back to sleep but she wouldn't have it. Something just shifted in my head and I suddenly had an overwhelming horrible urge to hurt her, bite her or something sad sad

I just feel I'm about to lose it sometimes and dont know how to stop these feelings. I don't know how on earth I can feel like this tbh and am so incredibly ashamed and wracked with guilt. I'm scared I will actually hurt her one day if I'm feeling particularly tired or fed up.

Please help sad

PerryCombover Tue 26-Jul-11 23:49:54

Very often mothers have feelings that overwhelm them.
Exhaustion and feeling down or at your wits end will often make you think things that you might not ordinarily.
It is important to recognise when you are in those situations and ask for some help. If you can't get help then get company.
At last resort make sure she is in safe place and go and have a quiet cup of tea..it will be enough space in the situation to make you reconsider.

cheesesarnie Tue 26-Jul-11 23:50:02

have you spoken to any one in rl?family,friends,gp,hv?
youve recognised that you feel like this but youve not acted on it and you know that its wrong.

i remember the tired overwhelmed feelingsad

Unrecognisable Tue 26-Jul-11 23:53:58

I've not spoken to anyone in RL apart from a bf counsellor a month or so ago when DD wasn't feeding for some reason. I think I scared her a little by the amount of hysterical blubbing I did down the phone.

mybrainsthinkingfuckyou Tue 26-Jul-11 23:55:55

Okay my love...keep it together. You need back -up. Who have you got? Is there anyone at all you could spend a night with, just one night to give you some normality?
if little one is screaming tomorrow don't try and kip no matter how tired you are GET HER OUT THE HOUSE cafe park somewhere - but - near where you live.
Then when she drops off - and she will - have a nap then - 10 min power sleep if that's all she'll let you.
Ring CRY -SIS they won't judge you.
If you feel the anger building put your baby somewhere safe - travel cot? playpen? cot if unable to fall out? and leave the room for 5 mins (not the house and not the baby - just the room to do some breathing - cry and scream into a pillow if need be / make a tea but calm yourself down - even when baby still shrieking in background.

Return to baby when calm anough to pat (not hit) and rock (not shake) then try the ssshhh swaddle swing song rhyyme or youtube white noise or baby einstein animals.

You will get through this. You will. It is hell. It is hard. But you will get through it.

cheesesarnie Tue 26-Jul-11 23:57:14

dont worry about scaring the professionals!scream for help if yoou have too!
i did,ds1 was hard hard work,i had to literally scream for help but it was the best thing i ever did.
is there a friend or family member who would listen?or could maybe help you catch up on a few precious hours sleep to make you feel more able to cope?

Sariska Wed 27-Jul-11 00:07:03

Oh, poor you.

I think recognising that you have these feelings, which, by the way, I'm sure are normal, especially when you're tired (when we tend to focus on what if calamities) is the first step to dealing with them.

Do you have a DP? Is s/he around much? If not, is there someone else who can offer you moral and practical support, especially during the most difficult times of the day (or night)? Can you ever have an evening out? Sometimes a few hours away works wonders.

But, finally, even if you're on your own with no possibility of someone coming around to help you out, leave your DD in her cot where she's safe (even if not asleep), close the door, make yourself a cup of tea - and drink it - before you go back to her. She might cry or scream but she'll be ok and you'll be a little better for the time out.

And there's always someone on MN.

Unrecognisable Wed 27-Jul-11 00:08:50

Im staying with my parents at the mo, I think it's almost making it worse, I feel like I have to keep up the pretence of keeping it together when all I want to do is cry and fling the baby out the window sad
I am nervous about admitting this to my mum, I can barely admit these feelings to myself.

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 00:10:54

Message withdrawn

Unrecognisable Wed 27-Jul-11 00:13:30

The thing is DD doesn't even have to cry for more than a few seconds before I start to feel the anger well up. It's not after hours of endless bawling...
I try to comfort her but when she doesn't react, I give up instantly and dispair sad

scottishmummy Wed 27-Jul-11 00:14:10

emergency gp appt, or home visit if you cannot face going to surgery
you must take action,get support.please dont struggle on alone and afraid
your local a&e dept will have a psychiatric liasion that you can see on walk in no appt reqd

you have strong,scary,feelings- seek some advice

and best wishes

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 00:15:27

Message withdrawn

Unrecognisable Wed 27-Jul-11 00:17:28

DH is at home (we are having work done to the house but it's not suitable for baby right now). He is fab, great with DD, but would be alarmed to say the least at these feelings of mine.
Maybe speaking to my GP would help, being a bit more impartial and all.

Unrecognisable Wed 27-Jul-11 00:20:50

Swallowedafly - DD is in a cot next to my bed; I would dearly love for her to sleep in my bed but she doesn't seem to settle properly and wriggles more than ever.
My mum would be supportive but I would just feel too ashamed sad

scottishmummy Wed 27-Jul-11 00:20:56

this isnt a normal gp appt,emphasise emergency appt or ask for home visit
if it becomes too overwhelming,do much present at A&E ask for them to bleep psych liaison

dont delay
and dont be avoidant

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 00:25:40

Message withdrawn

PerryCombover Wed 27-Jul-11 00:27:18

A lot of women feel this way from time to time.

You've been frightened and you are doing something about it.
What in that scenario is there to be ashamed about?
Speak to a professional but also confide in someone you know personally who will help and empathise.

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 00:34:09

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy Wed 27-Jul-11 00:40:01

wake mum up now.do ifs,buts.wake up mum
you have a sleep
emergency gp appt tomorrow,home vsit if reqd
you mention counsellor?are you known to CPN, or CMHT -they will have out of hours no to call

brokensleeper Wed 27-Jul-11 00:56:21

i have a similar post up and its been very supportive and helpful woth the responses. Some one to talk to is the main thing rahter than letting these feelings overwhelm& freak you out. You are doing and do your best as a mother, dont feel guilty,feel like it time to get some extra help. Hope so soon.x

Sariska Wed 27-Jul-11 08:09:33

How are you this morning? Did you speak to your Mum? Please now think about making an emergency GP appt.

I know it can seem impossibly hard to hold up a hand and say, however I might appear, I'm not coping and I need help. There is plenty of (non-judgmental) help out there. Please access it. The sooner you do, the sooner you won't have to be scared by your own feelings again and the sooner you can properly enjoy your little DD.

Unrecognisable Wed 27-Jul-11 09:55:47

Thanks everyone for your posts last night, it has been incredibly helpful and I now recognise the issue as something that can't just be covered up with a brave face. I opened up to my mum this morning, what a relief and weight off my shoulders! She thinks I'm doing an awesome job with DD which is nice to hear, but I'm thankful that I don't have to pretend to her now.

I'm nowhere near my GP until next week but will make an apt for when I get back.
Am beginning to smile again now

PerryCombover Wed 27-Jul-11 10:04:48

I'm glad you came back! It's all sometimes very very difficult but there are people there to help..even if it's only us!
Please do get to see the GP and if you can ask for some therapy to discuss some of the feelings you have been having
Well done for speaking to your mum..it must have been very difficult

nojustificationneeded Wed 27-Jul-11 11:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 12:07:02

Message withdrawn

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