Shared "custody"

[twinsetandpearls]

I ma thinking of approaching my ex about having shared custody of dd, I know custody doesn't exist but I am generally talking about dd living half the week here and half the week at her Dads.

At present I have sole responsibilty for dd due to her fathers behaviour in the past. But he seems to have settled, he is exercising regular contact ( still paying no maintenace but I have come to the colnclusion that dd needs her dad more than we need the money.)being much more responsible. He now ahs her almost every weekend as well as having her during the week every now and again so dp and I can have time together. He has also offered to adjust his working week so I can go to work on a Wednesday and he can look after her.

Those of you who have read my posts before will know that dd can be a difficult child and when I am not well I struggle with her. Dp and I had a long chat this weekend after a few difficult weeks with her when I have played a big role in her misbehaviour by being a crap mother basically. I think that dd would be better at the if her dad and I worked more as a team and we could both face the challenges she throws at us with renewed vigour and enthusiasm rather than being caught in that endless cycle of whinging toddler and stressed knackered mummy.

I was thinking that dd could live with dp and I Monday and Tuesday with her dad Wednesday and Thursday and we could alternate Fridays and Sundays.

In reality it isn't much differet from what we do now except that rather than going to stop with daddy at weekends I hope dd will get a feel that she lives with both of her parents who make an equal contribution to her. Is this pie in the sky?? Also by formalizing things or at least ahving a routine agreed on in advance everyone knows where they stand and hopefully dd will feel more stable about her relationship with her father.

I have always been rather sceptical parenting between divorced couples but I know that dd loves both her dad and I equally and that as mature adults we owe it to her to leave the past where it belongs and move on.

Have other mumsnetters tried this.

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[aloha]

I used to work with someone who did something like this - they lived very near to each other (a few streets away) and her girls seems very happy indeed. I thought it was a remarkably civilised and generous arrangement. I think they did alternate weeks though, but I can't be sure.
I admire you for thinking about it. I hope it can work.

[MamaMaiasaura]

I think this is a really couraguos thing to think about it, I dont know your situation to be honest but having parents looking out for the interests of the kids can only be a good thing. I think if you can all get along and all have an active part in her live and it suits your dd go for it. I am sure that as she gets older she may not want to move about so much but that bridge can be crossed when it arrives. Wish more parents were like you and had their kids best interests at heart and not their hang ups on the failed relationship

[PollyLogos]

I know a couple that did this- they lived practically next door to each other.Their daughter was about 10 when they started this arrangement, so was able to more or less alternate between the two homes at will.

It worked very well for about 6 years at which point they got toether again!! They have now remarried and have had a second child.

[twinsetandpearls]

At the moment dp lives about a fifteen minute drive away, but he is only renting so the condition of shared parenting is that he moves to the same vilage as us. I think this will only work if we literally live around the corner from each other so if dd forgets something or feels the need to come to me it is a simple issue.

When she starts school in September we may keep to the same arrangement or have a week on a week off which I personally think is better as it gives dd longer with each od us rather than changing every other day. At the moment that just isn't possible as dd is only at nursery three afternoons so she needs to be looked after during the day - as I work part time I can do this wheras her Dad can only reduce his hours by so much to look after her during the week.

Rickman I understand why you have said no, from what I ahve read about your divorce it sounds very similar to mine and if someone had said to me a few months ago that I would be considering this I would ahve thought they were mad. My family think I am mad, my Mum won't speak to me at the moment because of how my ex has behaved in the past but I can't spend my life in the past and dd really wants more time with her dad.

[twinsetandpearls]

Pollylogos I can assure you I have absolutely no intention of remarrying him ever!

[NomDePlume]

twinsetandpearls this is the arrangement we have with the DSs (now 13.5 & 12). DH and exW have legal paperwork which confirms the arrangement. It has been this way since the boys were 6 & 7. We tend to have them more than ExW does, we have them 4 days a week and she has them for 3. It works out really well for us all, it has also helped my relationship with the boys no end. Mainly because I play an active daily parental role in their lives so I'm not just seen as an interloper who interferes with their weekend Daddy visits. Also DH and I have a DD together (now 3) and it's fabulous for her to be able to have a real relationship with her brothers, and vice-versa.

I'm not sure how I'd cope if DH and I split and I had to consider the arrangement for my own DD. I know it would break my heart, despite the fact that DH is a very responsible, loving and respectful father. Twisted logic, I know.

[twinsetandpearls]

Interloper is a good word because that is what my dd fater has become for us. As he just sees her at weekends and only does the fun stuff he isn't really a parent but just turns up and upsets the balance. Dd also gets upset on returning as she is not sure when she will see him again. I am sure a new arrangement would allow her dad to be a proper parent making real decisions rather than just someone who takes her to McDonalds on Saturday and all of us would benefit from that.

[twinsetandpearls]

What would we do with things like child benefit and tax credits.

[PollyLogos]

I wasn't implying that twinsetandpearls !!!

[NomDePlume]

It's easy for us in that exW gets the child benefit and DH gets the tax credits (although it's a tiny amount because of his salary). This is because exW doesn;t work.

[zippimistletoes]

I did this but the children were older.


After a few years exh moved ot Hong Kong and they were then with me full time. I did have them more anyway because he worked away a lot.

I had the benefits. This is because there is a massive disparity in our finances.

I think their relationship would be pretty poor if we hadn't had this arrangement.

[twinsetandpearls]

THat does make it easier my ex works full time and I work part time. I am hoping to keep the tax credit and child benefit because my ex does not pay any maintenance.

[twinsetandpearls]

zippimistletoes there is a huge disparity between our finances - hence we need the tax credits but my ex refuses to declare his income which complicates things.

[NomDePlume]

I should think that the lack on maintenance would mean that you'd keep the tax credits and the chb. I don't think there's a court in the land that would argue with that !

[Caligyulea]

The only cautionary note I'd sound is that from what I remember, you weren't very happy in your geographical location and wanted to move back to London?

If you've come to terms with where you are and know that you can bear to live there for about the next ten years, then go for it (because I agree that this crap of being a McDonald's only father isn't as good as him doing real parenting) but you need to accept that if you do go in for 50 50, you will have to stay put for the next few years so you need to be happy with that.

[zippimistletoes]

exh and i both hate lawyers so we "sorted" things between us quite hard as we could barely communicate (6 years on nothing much has changed there..we speak about once a year)

He pays for everything related to the children including school fees, dd1 university rent, ds clothes allowance, school trips, board and lodging etc. Initially I had to account to him in detail for any money which was demeaning but no choice as I had been a SAHM.

Since he went to HK and they are older dd2 has left home and dd1 is at uni, ds is still at school and he still gives them money.

The oddest thing for the children I think must be that he is well off and we are at the opposite end of the spectrum.

[twinsetandpearls]

Zipptietoes I think we used to be married to the same man! My ex refused to pay maintenance for a long time as he did not want to give me money. He used to buy everything for dd from nappies to toys to clothes and if I bought anything else I would have to give him a receipt. At one point I was living in a homeless hostel with a child dressed head to foot in designer gear!!

Luckily now I am in a position where I don't need to rely on him. But I am certain that dd finds it odd going to stay with her Dad and his family among the Cheshire set and then coming home to our little semi.

Caligula I am proud to say that I have worked really hard at setttling here and am now very happy, we had a chance to move away a few months ago and it was me that called a halt as I wanted to stay. I am even applying for a teaching post locally. Our long term plan is to emigrate but that will be at least five years away and probably more.

However on a less positive note my ex hasn't got back to me yet so maybe he is happy being a mcDonalds Dad which I find quite sad.

[zippimistletoes]

just read this lol yes and if he does give me a cheque he gives the exact amount like 69.80 or whatever!

Heaven help i shpould "make" money out of him!

[beejay]

This happened to me as a child though I was older ( 13+). Initially started three days at each, but found this too unsettling so moved to one week at each, which worked out better. However I think the reason it worked was cos both my parents were very amicable and very commited to making it work.

[crimbocrazydazy]

I have always said that if DP and I ever split this would have to be the way forward for us and our kids as we both equally need to be with our children and DP would never cope with being just a "weekend Dad" no way on earth.

Twinset, only you know what is best for your child and if you feel that this is the way she would grow up feeling loved and wanted then its got to be the right move.

[gggimmesnowsnow]

My stepson is much older (16). He spends a month with us and a month with his mother. It works very well.

[Caligyulea]

Any news on your xp's response, Twinset?

I think as beejay says, the only way it can work is if both parents are absolutely 100% committed to making it work. Perhaps your xp is mulling it over and thinking how he can make it work with you and if he's genuinely prepared to work with you as an equal for his child's welfare, then go for it. But if you've got doubts that he will be committed to that (and bear in mind that part of making it work will be both of you showing each other real, proper respect, and going out of your way to make sometimes inconvenient compromises, which iirc he hasn't done for you in the past) then I'd hold off for a bit, because it could do more harm than good.

[twinsetandpearls]

Well I needn't have bothered, spoke to him about it last week and he was really keen. But on Sunday night he felt that being any more than a mcdonalds dad would interfere with his own life too much!!!!

[crimbocrazydazy]

Sounds just like DP's mate. He fought tooth and nail to get access to his son and finally managed it and then the first weekend he was allowed to have his son for the weekend was complaining because the rugby was on and he couldn't go out. Ended up farming his DS off for the night to his Dad's house! Unfortunately very typical of most males although I think (and hope) that my DP would not be like that in the same situation.