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Big fat lie! Suitable actions/punishments please.

(17 Posts)
Beamur Thu 21-Jul-11 20:45:53

My usually well behaved DSD (age 16) has told an absolutely whopping lie to get to go to a festival to see her favourite band. She is there now, without an adult - which is the lie. She is busted big time.
DP is contemplating driving and getting her but I've suggested he and DSD's Mum sleep on it tonight and decide what to do in the morning.
So, can I invoke the wisdom of MN - what should we do? Leave her there and sort out the punishment when she comes back and if so - any suggestions for suitable retribution.

DoMeDon Thu 21-Jul-11 21:29:59

Personally i would go to get her. The punishment should always fit the crime - lie for freedom = denial of freedom. I'd ground her.

PeopleCallMeTricky Thu 21-Jul-11 21:31:48

I can see why you're annoyed, but she's an adult. You can't force her to come home against her will.

PeopleCallMeTricky Thu 21-Jul-11 21:32:35

And you wouldn't be able to find her if you did go.

Daughteroflilith Thu 21-Jul-11 21:53:31

And breathe grin. OK, she told a fib. But what has she actually done? Gone to a music festival. As for being without an adult, at 16 she is legally entitled to leave home, have sex, have a baby, get a job. In Scotland she could get married. In a couple of years she could be going away to university, or on a gap year in Africa or Central America. If she is usually sensible, maybe you're being a little unreasonable to not let her go to a festival without an adult. She's nearly one herself. At 16, I would expect to be allowed to go to a festival without a babysitter.

The lying needs to be tackled. You need to come up with some sort of punishment, but don't rush into anything. As for collecting her, how are you going to get into the festival? Pay for your own tickets? Whinge to the guys on security that your over the age of consent, non SEN 16 year old is in there? Deal with it when she comes back, punish her for lying, but if she is normally well-behaved admit you might need to trust her a bit more.

ExitPursuedByAGryffin Thu 21-Jul-11 21:56:35

Nah - let her be. She is 16. She will be having a fab time. And she will know that you know so she will also be cacking it. Just make her suffer when she gets back. Maybe a financial penalty. And lots of winding up?

Beamur Thu 21-Jul-11 22:07:56

Thanks.
She is usually trusted loads and has commented before on this herself.
Her Mum actually said she could not go to this event, but Dad said yes as she told a tale that her friends parents were also going.
Mum twigged today as they were leaving that not all was as it was supposed to be, Dad has since spoken to DSD who has dug herself in even further with more fibs. Which we know are fibs as he's spoken to the parent who was supposed to be going and the stories don't tally.
DP feels incredibly hurt that his daughter has lied to him and keeps on lying, as he probably would have pleaded her case to go to this with her Mum, but has offered, if Mum wants him to, to go and get her. This would mean contacting her (she has a mobile) and asking her to meet him at the exit. I suspect she would be annoyed but contrite enough to comply if asked.
She is a sweet girl, but not the most mature or streetwise, hence we thought going to a festival but with the back up of parents nearby would be a good experience.
I'd say she is not quite an adult yet, she is only fairly recently turned 16 and the fact that she has lied and got her friend to collude in a lie indicates her lack of maturity.
I am inclined to think we should deal with this on her return, she has already spoken to her Dad and knows he is really disappointed with her behaviour over this.
She is supposed to be going to see this band again later in the summer - should we allow that, or not.

Beamur Thu 21-Jul-11 22:10:14

ExitPursuedByAGryffin - I have to smile, but I was kind of thinking that too, part of her will be having a great time, but also thinking 'I'm in such BIG trouble when I get home'...

bejeezus Thu 21-Jul-11 22:17:47

dont all 16 year olds do this sort of thing?

As for punishment-- i would say and do nothing. If she knows you all know, dont mention it at all. Haha...that will spin her out. i imagine she will approach you about it eventually

omaoma Thu 21-Jul-11 22:26:05

have to say the not mentioning anything, for a well-behaving 'good' girl is likely to freak her out and make her more paranoid than a punishment... if impact is what you're after!

also gives the message that really SHE is independent now (ish) and responsible for herself and her conscience - as this is your point, no? that her parents cannot be there watching over her 24/7 any more.

start looking at ways outside of this event to help her start judging safety for herself and experiencing risk in a safe-ish way. Just being the ones that always judge for her isn't going to work any more...

wellwisher Thu 21-Jul-11 22:30:19

When I was 16 I climbed out of my bedroom window to get to a Take That concert the night before my chemistry GCSE exam. I can't even remember what the punishment was, but it was definitely worth it :D

and when i was 18, my mum let me take my little sister (then just 14) to Reading festival and I lost her in the moshpit for 3 hours shock

I think it was a bit mean not to let her go TBH. But as she isn't in danger, I'd leave her there and slap a serious grounding on her tomorrow...

Beamur Thu 21-Jul-11 22:36:13

Good point omaoma - but I reckon she could handle silence, she has steely inner reserves!
I guess the best way to judge if she can handle this is to see how she does. This is maybe harder for her parents that it is for her.
I am disappointed that she has been deceitful, but it's not that unusual for teens I suppose.
Thing is, I really don't have many ideas of how to 'punish' her or make her see that she has lost the trust of her parents by doing this. I don't think we or her Mum have been overprotective previously.
However, before anyone points out as stepmum it's not up to me - I know that, I've suggested that both parents sleep on it and have a chat tomorrow and decide between the two of them what to do. Or not to do...

ExitPursuedByAGryffin Fri 22-Jul-11 17:00:09

I am sure as a caring stepmum you can be on hand to be the middle ground between her and her parents.

CloudC Fri 22-Jul-11 17:14:57

I'm not sure I'll still think this way when my 5 year old is 16, but I really think a lot of the time when young adults lie to their parents, they are trying to protect them. It may be that she wants to do her own thing (and is reasonably entitled to at 16) but doesn't want anyone to worry about her. Children know that it's hard for their parents to give them the freedom they want, and don't want to stress them out. Lying seems easier. I wouldn't collect her or be too hard on her. I would stop at explaining that the deceit was hurtful and in future you'd prefer that a mutual agreement about these things was reached by open discussion.

HoneyPablo Fri 22-Jul-11 17:23:02

At 16 she is an adult. She has lied because she wanted to go and knew that she wouldn't be allowed to.
I don't think going to get her is the best option. Agree withCloudC.

Beamur Fri 22-Jul-11 19:38:08

We're not going to get her.
There have been a few contrite texts! Saw her Mum tonight, who is actually taking it quite well and seeing the funny side of it today. DSD texted Mum to ask what she wanted for a present and Mum texted back 'an honest daughter would be nice'.
I think all will be well, although both parents are wishing for rain and midges to teach her a lesson!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 23-Jul-11 08:45:37

Well I hope shell be doing her own washing as well grin

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