Feeling so down & a naughty toddler & unfair partner

[Hollie27986]

I just feel like my worls is falling apart & dont know what to do! Theres so many issues here but ill try and list them ... I just need an ear really!

• I just feel like I cant cope anymore , I have two little boys , the oldest one being two is so naughty and just drags me more and more down. He doesnt go to bed until 10pm from 6am so I never get a second without it! Its got to the point I cant even have a bath in peace because he just stands there going mad ! I just sit and cry now ... I have a 3 month old baby who is really good and luckily just sits and smiles at me but i feel like i dont give him enough time
  

-My reletionship with my partner isnt a happy one! We have tried going away , just us two but as were together all week aprt from whens hes at work , we have nothing to talk about! We sat in the most beautiful , fun resturant , knacked and slient! Were not close at all! I do feel the main reason for this is we both want differant things for life! I want holidays and be a proper family and get married! He doesnt want this as to him its a waste of money and then says he wont fly anymore as he doesnt like it!! I hate cars but sit it one to go places with him! It sounds stupid things but its really getting to me, I enjoy doing things with my friend much more than I do with him but then I feeel my boys are missing out!

• My partners dad gave all his sons and daughters a nice bit of money each to enjoy and have a holiday! There all going away but my partner just wants to put his in the bank to buy car bits and junk he doesnt need!! Fab that im th one who works so hard every day with the kids , house etc and out of all his family we have to be the ones not to get a 'treat' . We both have good incomes so not like we need it to keep 'incase' . Everyone I see is having this nice life , enjoying things but me! Ive had to plan my own trips with my friends but I really want to do it as a family
  
• Do you think the reletionship could ever recover from this?
  

I just feel like running away and going to stay with my mum but I want my boys to have a proper family so much and I know his family would soon be there being evil to me! His family dont like me as it is as ie had a nice upbringing etc ... His sister moed her wedding day to my sons 1st birthday as she knows I make a fuss and plan special things!! I just hurt soo much inside ...

[Octaviapink]

These really seem like problems with your relationship rather than with your children - your toddler sounds pretty normal, as toddlers go. Is the relationship really worth all this heartache? What are you getting out of it? As you say - you seem to want different things from your respective futures.

[DoMeDon]

Shut the door on your toddler when you have a bath - you need some time alone not being cried at. Put him to bed earlier and let him cry there - he cann learn to settle or look at books until he sleeps. He isn't naughty - he's 2, he's got a new sibling and his parents aren't getting on. Don't put too much on his little shoulders.

Get some counselling to unravel the thoughts in your mind. Get some time alone. Put yourself first a bit. Consider relate for your relationship.

[mamster]

Oh dear. It's hard having a toddler and a baby. I was the same. Felt like everything was getting on top of me. It does get better. For example, when DS1 goes to pre-school. Is he nearly 3? You will have some time with the baby alone then. I felt terrible that I wasn't giving the baby any attention but to be honest looking back DS2 was happiest when he was watching DS1.

The bath ting is tough. It took me ages to realise I could have a bath by putting on a favourite DVD and taking the baby into the bathroom with me and sitting in his chair. Sometimes I just got in the bath with them if I really needed to. They loved it and I got clean.

It would be great if you could get the toddler to bed earlier. 10 pm is late for a 2 yr old. Do you let him sleep in the day? If yes, stop it or don't let it happen after say 2pm. Then he should be tired at bed time.

I read somewhere that you should treat boys like dogs. Exercise them twice a day. It works. Even if you don't feel like it take them out somewhere. Challenge them to run up and down the hall. They love a 'race'. Get a trampoline. run around after a ball. Anything to get them tired. Even the 'go fetch' game. Can you just get me a xxxx, oh I forgot a xxxx can you get it for me? etc... Tire him out. Get him to bed at 7.30. It's hard at first but worth it in the long run. If you can't face it one your own (your DH at work)? then ask a friend over to watch the baby or hire a supernanny for a week if you can afford it. I had a friend who sorted out her sons sleep issues in 3 days with a supernanny.

I understand your feelings about your partner and wanting to keep the family together. It's a tough one. But if the reality of your family life isn't what you want then you need to do something about it. Even if it's just a short term coping strategy (doing things that make you happy each day, making sure the kids are safe and well looked after etc simple things that a family needs) until you have the time and energy to deal with it properly. Sure counselling is an option but in the first instance surely you need to talk? Pressures of family life can be a huge strain on a relationship. Explain that you'd really like a holiday. Maybe there's a compromise or a cheaper holiday so still money left for his hobbies. I think men are better at maintaining hobbies etc when they have a family and it probably keeps them sane. Maybe you should take something up (a sport, yoga, singing group, anything that gets you out of the house and you look forward to it).

Hope this wasn't too much of a lecture. Go easy on yourself. Life is tough with 2 kids under 3. Try and enjoy some of it as time flies really quickly.

[matana]

Your toddler might not be getting enough sleep which will inevitably impact on behaviour - 8 hours a night isn't enough imo at that age because they're so active. You might find that if you work on bringing his bedtime earlier it'll help improve his behaviour and give you some much needed time out to either enjoy a relaxing bath or do something with your partner - even if it's a nice meal in and some music/ a film or something.

As for your partner, i agree it doesn't sound like a happy 'partnership'. I get frustrated with my DH because when we get a bit of money he prefers to do something sensible with it rather than use it as a treat - but at least he's thinking of us when he wants to do something sensible with it. And we tend to agree things like that together anyway and come to a compromise. The main question has to be do you still love him and does he still love you? That might sound simplistic but it's the question i start with when my DH and i have had a rough patch. If there's still love then there's still a chance to put things right.

Have you been completely honest with him about just how horrendous you feel?