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Co-parenting with exH in a 50:50 care arrangement - frustrating!

(5 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Mon 18-Jul-11 18:07:13

DD10 has had a 50:50 care arrangement between her dad and I (1 week each) since we separated/divorced 2 years ago.

It is, at times, very frustrating, and as DD gets older, the tension is beginning to impact on her, despite my best efforts to keep her out of it.

I live next door to her school, so she comes to me every day after school, even during the weeks she is living with her Dad, and he picks her up from here after he finishes work a couple of hours later. He works nearby but lives a 20 minute drive away.

Last week, exH sends me an email, telling me that on Wednesday of this week (his week), he would be picking DD up straight from school to take her to the dentist. Fine by me, thanks for letting me know.
When DD arrived this afternoon, we were making plans about when she was going to bake/ice end of term cakes for her teachers, and I said, "oh, we can't do it Wednesday, cos you won't be here". She didn't know.
Am I wrong in thinking that as she gets older, her Dad should let her know about these changes as well as me? I couldn't anwer any of her questions once I'd told her; what time? where? who with? All I knew was that she wasn't coming!

Has anyone got a similar arrangement - how do you manage with older DC's who may make their own (provisional) plans for their time, even if it's only in their head?

poptartpoptart Tue 19-Jul-11 11:12:41

I don't have any experience of this, but just an idea: how about taking her shopping and letting her choose her own diary. She could keep it with her in her bag or something and she could write down what's happening when, what she'd like to do when, etc. You and exH could sit down with her each night and check the diary with her so everyone knows what is happening?

NotaDisneyMum Tue 19-Jul-11 15:31:17

Thanks poptart - you'd think that would be the answer, wouldn't you?

Unfortunately, DD already has a diary - but it requires both parents to support her to use it; my exH prefers to tell DD about changes to usual arrangements at the last minute sad and then gets mad when I reveal plans he has told me about, but not her! He gave me grief for telling DD about the dentist appointment!

What's ironic is that when it comes to making arrangements with me, he plans years in advance!

MegBusset Tue 19-Jul-11 15:38:02

How old is DD? Assuming you are all reasonably tech savvy, if she has a Gmail account you can set up a collaborative online calendar that could be accessed/updated by all three of you. Then insist that your ex puts all arrangements straight into the diary.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 19-Jul-11 20:00:04

Meg - I'd forgotten about her google calendar, thanks!

I tried it before but she was too young really - I think she'd be well up for that now, and if exH uploads appt, then it will send an auto email to me, so he doesn't need to make separate contact with me - brilliant!

Thanks!

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