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upset with MIL

(76 Posts)
happytree Thu 14-Jul-11 18:08:16

hi,
was going to post in Am I being unreasonable but feeling a little too fragile.
Bit of background, DS, now 15 months and I have been to a few groups (baby massage, breast feeding support) but nothing recently as I have returned to work (3 days) and all the things I might have been interested in have been on my work days. PIL have always been a bit disappointed that I haven't taken ds to every group going, saying things like, "i'm sure he'd learn to walk, talk quicker if you took him.
Anyway, they cut out an advert for a group local to them a few months ago and suggested I go to that. For reasons I wont go into DH and I do not want to go to that particular village and said to PIL.
PIL have been looking after ds 1 day a week (my parents having him the other two days) and yesterday MIL delivered DS home saying that she had taken him to the mother and toddler group! angry
She had not mentioned that this was her intention at all when she picked him up. She then went on and on about what a good time they had together sad.
I'm quite a shy person and find the groups very difficult but I was so jeleous and cross with her.
Last week she took him to the beach without saying anything until the evening!
I really don't think this is on!?
What do I do. I hate confrontation but this has really got to me.
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and DH has had to move away for work so that might be exasperating things.
What do you think?

Ragwort Thu 14-Jul-11 18:13:12

Well, sorry if you are feeling fragile but this is just the sort of thing that causes problems when family members look after your child. Do you have a really good reason why MIL should not have taken your DS to this mother and toddler group or to the beach? Both those outings sound like fun for your DS.

Do you pay your MIL/DM to look after your child? Even if he was at a childminder they would have outings to mother and toddler groups etc. Perhaps your ILs sense that you are shy and want your DS to learn to meet other children and adults?

happytree Thu 14-Jul-11 18:17:35

A child minder would inform me in advance of trip to the sea side. What if I needed to get hold of them in an emergency? A child minder would respect my and DH wishes to not go to a particular toddler group.
I do not think the fact that it is free child care should meen my wishes get completely forgotten about.

If you don't want to take him places then that is up to you, but surely it is fine for MIL to take him?

I think you are being bloody ungrateful tbh and I really can't see why you have a problem with this.

Katisha Thu 14-Jul-11 18:20:13

Frankly I'd be happy that my child was having a good time with granny. My mother has always used her initiative with DSs and it's much better, IMO, than having them sit about at home, or having to tell her exactly what to do every minute of the day.

WHat are the reasons you object to the village group?

Ragwort Thu 14-Jul-11 18:40:09

I'm at the age grin when some of my friends are now looking after their grandchildren - and I can tell you that they would be very annoyed if their DD/DDIL told them what they could or couldn't do when they are providing free childcare. Presumably your MIL has a mobile if you need to contact her in an emergency?

I am going to be blunt but it really does sound as though you need to get a grip - are you expecting the same free childcare for your next DC?

happytree Thu 14-Jul-11 18:53:40

no
and I have said I'm not going to discuss why I don't want him to go to that particular group be we have very good reasons (of which MIL is well aware)

lechatnoir Thu 14-Jul-11 18:58:52

I'd be very surprised if many (any) childminders sought prior approval before every outing and I definitely wouldn't expect a grandparent to either. You either trust these people or don't let them look after your child.

lechatnoir Thu 14-Jul-11 19:04:36

I also don't get what reason would prevent your folks going to a group you've never be to? Surely any issues you may have with other parents or helpers wouldn't impact them or your LO? It's all sounding s bit PFB if you ask me wink

Hufflepuzzpig Thu 14-Jul-11 19:06:52

So is it the group itself or the location?

HoneyNorwegianRidgebackdragon Thu 14-Jul-11 19:09:27

I suggest that to maintain relations with your MiL, you find a childminder who will be willing to do exactly what you say. Fair enough you say you have a good reason to avoid the village and won't discuss it which makes it hard to be constructive.

Based on the beach incident alone I think you are being unfair and ungrateful, if the beach is near enough to take a child of that age it does not need to be planned. If their was an emergency it doesn't matter where your child are you are sadly, as long as he is cared for location isn't too important.

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops Thu 14-Jul-11 19:11:41

You are feeling sensitive, but you really should take a step back and think about this.

Did you not want to go to this group yourself, or did you not want DC to go?

I won't ask your reasons for not wanting to go to this village, but it really i key. If it affects DC, then fair enough, but if it's, for example, someone you don't like lives there, then that's not a reason for DC not to go.

I don't think you should be angry with your MIL. You really can't expect her to stsy in every time she cares for your child.

Choufleur Thu 14-Jul-11 19:12:21

What is the problem with going to the beach.

OuchFriggingBludger Thu 14-Jul-11 19:18:25

now this is why i dont do 'free childcare'

personally,i wouldnt mind if the GP's did either of those things with my DC,
however i would be mighty peeved if they gave them ANY sweets or crisps and furious if they fed them meet,or took them to a military museum (as once suggested by GF) as we are vegetarian & pacifists.

so really its about choosing,

do you want free childcare

or

do you want to do things your way?

unless you are very lucky with your MIL/DIL DM/DF then you have to choose im afraid.

scarlettsmummy2 Thu 14-Jul-11 19:26:22

I think you are being unreasonable. Surely it is much better your mil is taking your child out to fun places than being stuck in a house all day.

I am also guessing that the reason your MIL went to the mums and tots even though you didn't want her too is because she has reasoned your reasons for not going aren't very strong and no harm will come to the child.

My daughter goes to our local playgroup and it certainly wouldn't be my first choice. I have nothing in common with the other mums- none of whom work etc but she goes because they are only children and she needs the interaction with other children and she really enjoys it. (And I will correct her grammar when she is old enough to understand!)

FoxyRevenger Thu 14-Jul-11 19:45:51

Well, it's not easy to keep a toddler entertained in the house all day, so they should be 'allowed' to go out and about; as long as they are safe I can't see a problem. (and I speak as someone whose MIL minds her 13 month old daughter three afternoons a week).

They go to one playgroup and are soon joining another and I think it's great that my daughter gets these experiences whilst I am stuck at work.

One other thing though...when she was born I felt almost 'claustrophobic' when my in laws wanted to see her. I guess it's a hormonal thing but it felt very real to me and took me quite a long time to feel better about it. It's an odd thing when your child is closely related to people that you are not close to, but there it is, you can't escape it.

She is doing you a favour so if you know your son is happy and safe you may have to learn to grin and bear it, especially with a husband who works away and another baby on the horizon.

DuelingFanjo Thu 14-Jul-11 19:48:29

if it's just the fact that she's not checking with you first then ask her to tell you what she has planned before she does it.

michglas Thu 14-Jul-11 19:50:54

You really do want your cake and to eat it don't you. You love the free childcare, but don't want granny to take him out and have fun. You should be grateful that your son has so many people in his life, that love and look after him, and spend lots of quality time with him.

It's unfair to not expect MIL to take your child to places without checking with you first. You should be pleased that he is experiencing other places, people and having fun.

If your child went to a childminder they would take them out without 'approval' from you. Sorry to sound harsh but you have the problem not your MIL.

hackingandhewing Thu 14-Jul-11 19:52:41

You say what if I needed to contact them urgently? Does that mean you never want them to leave the house while they are doing the childcare?

Surely gong to the beach with grandparents is a lovely experience for all concerned?

As ouch says, you can't have free childcare and then dictate every little thing they do.

It is hard to go out to work and leave someone else having fun and doing nice things with your DCs but if you have to/choose to work, that is life.

I don't often get excited about much on MN but I am hugely grateful to my DPs and my MIL for the support they give us in terms of childcare and I can't ever imagine resenting them for doing something nice with my DCs, even if it was something i wanted to with them myself.

Gymbob Thu 14-Jul-11 20:03:29

I too think that if you want free childcare, you will have to grin and bear it. My mother looked after my DD every afternoon from a year old or so until she started nursery. I could count on one hand the effort made to leave the house over those years. She sat in and went goo goo ga ga whilst watching the telly. I would have loved my mother to have taken my DD places and educated a bit. My friends would come back to find their mums had hoovered, ironed etc. Not me!!

Think yourself lucky. It must be one helluva reason you have to not want your child to attend that group.

Bearcrumble Thu 14-Jul-11 20:25:03

It's hard to comment on the playgroup situation as you won't explain your reasons for not wanting them to go there.

The beach sounds like an eminently reasonable place to take a child you're looking after as long as they have sufficient sun protection. I take it your MIL has a mobile.

You sound like hard work to be honest.

p99gmb Thu 14-Jul-11 20:28:36

I think you hit the nail on the head... you're jealous.. YOU wanted to take him to the beach etc etc... ok, I see your point about the toddler group and maybe she should have respected your wishes if you had indeed expressed them strongly enough... but be thankful that she is taking him out and about - giving him experiences that YES YOU CAN'T because you're working... my mum thought looking after kids meant taking them to asda with her!!!

Yes he is your child, but you should want the best for him, be that when he's with you or with other carers...

Get over your jealousy... tell MIL that you don't want her to go to the toddler group... but let her enjoy her grandson and give him some valuable experiences... make the most of your time when you're with him and not working... trust me, when No. 2 comes along you'll be happy for her to take them practically anywhere just to give you a break.. don't cut off your nose to spite your face basically wink

SeaChelles Thu 14-Jul-11 20:46:06

I see your point about the toddler group , especially as she knew your reasons for not wanting him to go, whatever they may be.

I think YABU about the beach - as she is entitled to take him out while she is looking after him.

It might be free childcare - but you are still the parent and are entitled to have a say in everyday activities etc. But maybe you do need to accept that she will do things with him that you perhaps can't do because you are working, but unfortunately we have to work to support..... its all good for him at the end of the day right? You will have plenty of time to do these things with him too.

Hope you get things sorted.

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