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Not bonding & worrying about postnatal issues

(6 Posts)
Alamaya Fri 08-Jul-11 14:00:28

Hope you dont mind me doing this but you ladies have been with me since my BFP.

I posted the following on another forum and am hoping anyone can give me comments maybe hoping im not alone.

I hope you dont mind me posting questions today.

My daughter is 9 weeks old.
Had her early due to pre eclamsia (sp) was in hospital from 37 weeks and was induced at 38 weeks.

She has suffered with wind/colic, and silent reflux. Been a very hard baby.

I am currently living with my parents as i live far away from them and couldnt cope during day on my own as hubby works long hours.

I dont really feel i have bonded with her. She screamed so much for the first 6 weeks i mean 9 hours on some days. As awful as it sounds sometimes i wished i had never had her i mean i knew it would be hard but wow. I feel like i have created a child thats miserable with discomfort and Im exhausted. Been sleeping in living room as i knew i would be up so much with her. Now the issues are almost gone and shes giving me beautiful grins and she is gorgeous but i feel so traumatised by what we have been through i keep waiting for her to scream. I still sleep downstairs at my parents. Too frightened to go home incase she starts.

Now i think i have a prolapse. Asked question on here yesterday. Now through research i think my rectum is coming through the back of the vaginal wall. I can feel a bulge in my vagina and have to push it sometimes to go to the loo. Also a bit sore when sitting but that could be cos i keep pushing it to see if its still there. I feel sick to my stomach. This is my first baby how could i have issues already.

Took IVF to get my daughter and i loved being pregnant if not nervous all the time. lol. But i always wanted a big family, im firstly now not sure i am allowed more children with this prolapse (post natal check on monday) but also really scared the next baby could be so ill with these problems.

Cried myself to sleep last night, miss my husband sooo much, cried my baby has been in so much pain when she was first born, cried that if i do have a prolapse i will never feel normal again.

a) How do i realise she is a normal baby now and when she cries its not going to last 9 hours.
b) If it is a prolapse of the rectum into the vagina are my dreams of a bigger family possible or is it over.

Its a lot of worrying and i never seem to relax and i think she senses it.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Fri 08-Jul-11 14:36:04

Hi OP, not sure I have anything of much use to say but didn't want to leave you unanswered. I think you need to focus on your postnatal check on Monday and tell the midwife how you have been feeling. If it helps, show her your OP.

perfectstorm Fri 08-Jul-11 20:23:03

1) I didn't bond with my son for a year due to a horrible feeding relationship and bad PND. It was awful and I should have got help earlier. BUT he is now the one person I love most in the world, who makes me laugh more than anyone, and I burst with how much I love him. It does get better, and 9 weeks is early. Some people fall in love at once. Others take time. It makes no difference to how much you love them in the end.

2) A colicky baby is hell. Your life with one is hell. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you for thinking "I wish I had my old life back" because your old life was so much better. What kind of loon would you be if you didn't feel that way, when you don't get the buzz that will come with time, yet?

3) I have quite a severe anterior and posterior rectocele. That's what they call it. This early on, they can often treat it with physio (you need a professional, not DIY, talk to your GP) but in some cases that doesn't sort it. My GP told me it's uncomfy, and you often have hassle pooing I know, but they won't operate until your family is complete, as it can just mess up the repair to have another baby. So you can have more kids, and then the repair, don't worry. It's a nuisance, but no big deal.

There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I think so many women don't admit to feeling this way, but think about it: your body's been through hell, you look different, feel different, get no sleep, and are a slave to someone you've never met before a couple of months back. If you didn't feel a bit WTF, you'd either be stoned on hormones (I so envy the women who get that natural bonding high - it must help so much) or a bit thick, surely? Your whole life has changed, and right now, it's not for the better. The payoff lies ahead (which is, after all, one hell of a lot better than the other way around).

You've not made a terrible mistake. Your child will give you more than you ever dreamed possible, and the love will come - at some point, it will poleaxe you. In the meantime, try to remember that tiredness often means anxiety, so rest when you can, be kind to yourself, and get thee to your GP for a bit of professional support. I also do think you need to go home, even if you go back to your parents every couple of weeks for a restful weekend. You need to bond as a family. Is there any way at all your DH can book some annual leave? Your baby will start sleeping more soon, but this early on a newborn is a huge ask for one individual, I think. If not, can you afford a cleaner, and ready meals, so the baby is your sole concern? And Homestart is a godsend to women in your position. They will allocate someone to help in any way that suits. But I do think you need to be at home, with your husband, and building a network of other young mothers. Going out with the baby, even just for coffee, is always easier than staying in as well, I found. It can get so lonely and stressful, home alone.

MN is always here too. People can be just amazingly kind and supportive when you need them on this place. Miraculously, wonderfully so.

Hang on in there. You are a great mum, because you care so much. You're not failing anyone or anything. Your're human, and this is really, really hard.

pleasethanks Fri 08-Jul-11 21:02:36

A huge amount of what you say rings true with me. You are not alone.

For a long time I regretted having my DD. She is now 9 months. I wondered what the hell we had done and would have given anything to turn the clock back. I cared for her as she was a newborn and needed me but truth be told I don't think there was a maternal love there. Sad but true.

I was exhausted, anxious, felt sick when she cried etc. Dreaded my husband leaving for work in the morning. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when everything was okay again.

Enough was enough. I realised I could not go on like this and I needed to sort things out so myself, my husband and my daughter had the life they deserved. I knew I had PND and admitting it and getting the help was a massive step forward for me.

I am on ADs, which have helped massively. I also did a course of counselling and it was invaluable for me. I have been very open about my diagnosis and having the diagnosis helped me realise that I was not a bad mum, I just wan't well.

They life I have now is the life I always wanted. I love my DD with every fibre of my body and she is my wee pal. We light up when we see each other. I never ever thought I would feel like this.

Please go and get some help, it will get better.

JazzieJeff Sun 10-Jul-11 18:44:18

Ooooh goodness me you poor, poor thing. It's ok to think these things you know.

I love my DS but I wouldn't go back to the early days for all the tea in China. It was such an awful, awful shock to suddenly be looking after a baby who screams at the slightest thing. His cries made me feel sick too. Even with anti depressants (I only sought help after five, very long months), I sometimes feel a bit queasy at an unexpected cry. I think it's because I left it so long to get help and now there's a really negative association in my mind now, iyswim.

Itll be alright you know. People don't talk about it in real life, but it happens to so many of us. You are not alone. Anti depressants just correct a hormonal imbalance which doesn't correct itself after the birth. It is the same as taking iron tablets if you need them, or medication for a thyroid, both of which can be caused by pregnancy, and you wouldnt feel ashamed of that. Hell, you'd probably be telling people in the street about it it's that normal!

Oh, and a prolapse will be easily diagnosed by a GP. It could so easily be something else as well, I bet you've been self diagnosing on Boots WebMD haven't you! Get thee to a real life doctor, get your medication and get well soon xx

niamh29 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:46:00

Re baby: you could have a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder, I don't have any personal disorder but heard of women suffering from it after a traumatic birth or tough early days with baby, take comfort in the fact that the worst is probably over and try to enjoy her now.

Re prolapse: I thought I had a prolapse, sounds very like what you described but had the doc check it and he said it was just normal changes after having a baby, he said it might "go back in" or might not but it has definitely gotten better in the last few weeks (DD3 is 15 weeks now) and I barely notice it.

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