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11 yr old boy with 2 yr old tantrums.

(5 Posts)
twilights21 Mon 04-Jul-11 15:42:00

Hello all. (you may need a cuppa, this is a long one)

I could do with advice please.

Our family consists of; 15yr old step daughter(my husbands), 13 year old daughter(mine), 11 year old step son(my husbands), and 4 year old son(ours). All the children live with me and my hubby, we got together 7 years ago.

The situation is, 11 year old behaves like a 2 year old most of the time. He will cry over dinners, throw himself on the floor when he is asked to do something he doesnt want to do, ie/ homework, tidy room, put clothes away etc.
He is constantly unpleasant to the 4 year old, pushes, snatches, argues, calls him stupid, and he is unpleasant to the girls most of the time also again arguing, pulling faces , calling them stupid...
Not too bad so far, yes?
He also is aggressive and violent to me. It can be over the stupidest thing. Yesterday is an example. I said "you have 4 or 5 playstation discs on your bedroom floor" he interupts saying "theres only 2 actually" I say" well they need putting in their cases , they are going to get scratched up" he says, " I already did that" I say " ok, let me show you" We go into his room and there are the discs out of the cases. So I pick them up and one from the side of the tv. Unbeknown to me, that one was keeping the playstation lid open for some reason? At this point, he starts shouting " you stupid idiot" and grabbing for discs. Then I see a cd rom broken into pieces on the shelf. I ask him what it is, he shouts "I dont know" I say well where has this come from? he shouts" I found it" , I say where?, he shouts "outside of course, what are you thick" I say where abouts? He ignores me and carries on playing the playstation. So I say, " no, you are going to talk to me" and i turn the PS off. This erupts. He is screaming, shouting, "you idiot, you stupid idiot, get out of my room", and starts hitting me and pushing me. His dad comes up, I try to tell him whats going on, and 11 yr old still screaming and shouting, "get her out of my room." Over and over and over. The girls are not home and the 4 year old getting distressed. His dad tells him to be quiet, calm down etc but to no effect. I take the ps out of the room. Boy flies at me, clawing at me to grab it back. I put it away. Then we have maybe 2 hours of "give it back, i want it back" over and over. He wont go to his room, he follows you round the house shouting, you cant close a door behind you as he will put his foot in the door, and hang on the door. 2 weeks ago , he had hurt his brother and i sent him to his room, but he refused to go, and when me and his sister were trying to stop him going in the living room, where his step sister was looking after 4 year old, he kicked me a few times, I had a bruise on my leg the seize of a melon, and he grabbed one of his dads shoes and threw it at his sisters face.
His dad seems to bury his head in the sand. He does "talk" to him, but after the talk everything is hunky dory and 11 yr old is happy as a sand boy.
11 yr old has been in my room early hours of morning and stolen money from my purse, has taken jewellery to his mum! ( she sees them once a fortnight) he is totally destructive,scratches paint work, rips curtains, slams doors, spits phlegm out on the carpet ( yes , really). He has climbed out of his bedroom window onto the flat roof and shouted at the children 2 doors down, and they are only little 6/7 yrs, and he has taken candles and melted coat hangers, pens I dont know what else in his room. When you confront him he lies, even if you see him do it he lies! Then goes off on a tantrum.
Today, the school rang, said he was complaining not well, I said well he was fine this morning when I dropped him off ( he had only been there 30 mins). Apparently, he had told the teacher he didnt see me this morning and his dad had taken him to school. I said well his dads in london today, and she said, well what he actually said was, that I had gone out last night and hadn't come back!

He has done so much more. The list goes on. My problem is he has made everyones life miserable and hes getting worse. More aggressive, more disrespectful. I fear that its only a matter of time before he picks a knife up instead of a bowl or shoe or he succeeds in pushing his brother down the stairs, and then its too late. His dad wont even discuss him going to live with his mum ( who says hes good as gold there!) as "she left him once already"

I am considering leaving, taking the other kids, even my step daughter says she wants to leave. I see no other solution. My mums says take him to the doctors, but hes sly, he obviously doesnt behave like this at school, all though he is on report. My dad says pack their bags.

Any ideas? and I am very sorry for the length of this post.

munchontwigs Mon 04-Jul-11 20:38:04

Didn't want this to go unanswered. Sounds really very stressful for you and your family, but this little boy sounds very very angry.
How long has he been behaving this way?
Did his mother leave the family home?
Are you all living in the house your partner and his ex wife used to live in?
Has your DSS had any counselling to help him come to terms with his mum leaving?

twilights21 Tue 05-Jul-11 21:54:17

I have been with them since he was 4, his dad said that when he was 3 he would stand screaming at the bedroom door "I dont wanna go to bed"

He has always been destructive, scratching dvds cds etc, breaking the blinds in his room, kicking slamming doors/ furniture etc.

his mum left my hubby and the kids when they were 2 and 6( for another ) my step daughter apparently said " well, if thats what she wants to do let her" when told about it. Their mum is not a pleasant person. They moved into my home 2 years later. I had no part in the split and only met my hubby after the event.

I also posted this on the behaviour thread and have had feedback regarding seeing the GP and aspergers? So I am probably going to look into this.

LynetteScavo Tue 05-Jul-11 22:03:42

Ask your GP for a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health.

Having his mother leave when he was 2 seems to have left a wound which needs to be healed.

Selks Tue 05-Jul-11 22:19:20

ditto what LynnetteScavo said. He could probably do with some counselling so that he can express his feelings about all that he has gone through with the family changes etc. CAMHS may also offer family therapy which I recommend that you and your DH accept.

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