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Tomorrow I will be a better mother, tomorrow I will be a better mother, tomorrow I will....

(29 Posts)
bail Fri 24-Jun-11 21:43:05

My DS is 11 months and he is my only child.
Most evenings I end up feeling very guilty and unsettled about various bits of the day and promise myself that tomorrow I will do things differently, handle things better, be more fun. And then tomorrow comes and goes, and I still feel the same in the evenings.. that I am failing him as a mother.

I imagined before I had a child that my incredible love for my child would mean that I would morph into some kind of Florence Nightingale figure towards me child. It comes as quite a shock to realise that becoming a mother has NOT changed me, and I am still an impatient person who likes things 'just so' and is crap at games. And it depresses me that this is the case.

I want to be so much for him, I want the best for him, I want him to be so happy and content. But I worry that the way I am going, he will not be these things. I worry I am lazy. We do go to Mini Mozart once a week, gymboree once a week and to the playground at least once a day. However, whenever we are at home, I very rarely actually play with him. Instead he amuses himself (pulling things open, banging things, generally hurting himself it seems!) whilst I do the housework. I worry he is not being stimulated enough but at 11 months I am struggiling to really know how to play with him and certianly for longer than about ten minutes!

I am also far more impatient with him that I ever thought I would be with my child. He is going through an extremely clingy phase atm. In the evening I think to myself that tomorrow I am going to be more patient when he is scratching at my legs to be picked up, but then tomorrow comes and I am irritated by it. It seems endless at times. Infact, on a couple of occasions I have shouted / screamed (not actually directed at him, but with him in the room) to "just give me a couple of bl***y minutes" or "leave me the hell alone". This achieves nothing other than making him cry harder and then I feel sick with myself later on in the day.

I could go on... with the list of ways that I feel I am failing my boy. He is lovely, a real fireball, but lovely. He is in a brilliant routine, naps well and sleeps well. During the day I am very much kept on my toes with him, but I do generally love it. I just want to know if there are others out there who beat themselves up almost every evening, remembering with a sick feeling how they really could have been a better mum and worry about the long term consequences of their actions.

olaybiscuitbarrel Fri 24-Jun-11 21:47:50

I'm doing it right now...just posted about my awful shoutyness today which I'm surrently weeping to myself about.

You are not the only one!

BettyBum Fri 24-Jun-11 21:51:09

Yes yes yes. Agree with everything you have posted and totally empathize. Will be watching this for advice as I have none!

bail Fri 24-Jun-11 21:54:00

Yep, I read it. Sorry x

At this young age, I do not think they can be blamed for anything. And yet, and yet, and yet... this afternoon for instance, I was in the kitchen and he was in his favourite position of trying to climb into the dishwasher. Anyway, he slipped and bumped his head. I felt immediately sick with myself for it happening, but at the same time I felt a rush of annoyance. Why the hell did I feel annoyed with him?? Because I repeatedly remove him from the dishwasher door but he obviously is too young to really grasp what I am dong so he returns to it. I was annoyed because he made me stressed by not 'obeying' me. Now that it is evening I realise how horrendous that is. For god's sake, he is 11 months old.

MrsBrollyhook Fri 24-Jun-11 21:56:46

My two are 4 and 6 and I have that sinking feeling most eveings that I should have done things better. Guilt comes with the territory (and worry), you're not alone. We just have to try to start the next day afresh! I hate it when I shout - often fgind myself apologising, but it's easier when they understand "Mummy is sorry for chouting, but I was very cross because...."

MrsBrollyhook Fri 24-Jun-11 21:57:12

'shouting' of course not chouting!

ronshar Fri 24-Jun-11 21:58:03

Nursery. That is the one thing that kept me and keeps me sane.
I felt exactly the same as you with my first. I didnt get the overwhelming rush that others talk about. All I knew was that I was stuck with a child that seemed to need more than I could give.
Now that child is the brightest and most lovely girl that any mother wolud be proud of.

Stick with it. Leave the room rather that shout in front of your baby. Count to ten or one hundred which ever you need. But most importantly find time just for you. What ever it is that makes you happy, from a bath with candles to a run around the park. Get out on your own. It will save your soul.

Ps. You are the best mum in the world. All your baby really needs is you unconditional love. Which you are giving him.

bail Fri 24-Jun-11 22:04:35

MrsBrollyhook and robshar.. thank you, your advise really struck a cord with me.

Nursery? DH would prefer to wait a bit, but that will def be something I will be pursuing in a couple of months.

thisisyesterday Fri 24-Jun-11 22:04:50

bail, are you on your own? do you have a partner/husband to share this with?

i think how you're feeling is really quite normal, at least, most people i know have felt like it/do feel like it

your children are the most precious thing in your life, you want nothing more than to do your best and give them the best.
I too am impatient with games and stuff, i hate reading "that's not my bear" for the hundredth time and it's a shame cos I am on baby number 3 and I didn't mind it so much with number 1, so I have the added bad feelings about how number 1 got so much more from me than number 3!!!

aaanyway, back to my initial point, it IS easier if i've had a bit of "me time" now and then. if DP does all the bedtime routine for example, i wake feeling refreshed and able to deal with them a bit better.

i think at 11 months your son will be absolutely happy just b eing with you. he doesn't need to play games or anything, he's learning from you and he's content being with you and that's all he needs, so don't fret if you aren't doing "stuff" with him all the time

bail Fri 24-Jun-11 22:11:13

My DH is absolutely brilliant with our DS. DS much prefers DH. I am relaxed about this as I recognise that DH does very very little of anything other than play and cuddles.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to share more equally with DH but to avoid a long and rambly post... let's just leave it at 'that ain't never gonna happen'

A bit of alone time is appealing and I will try to sort something out as at the moment, I am definitely not giving him my best (or perhaps I just am hoping there is a better mother inside me, but maybe this is just it?)

missorinoco Fri 24-Jun-11 22:17:06

Tomorrow? No chance, maybe six weeks on Tuesday I might be a bit better. I find something to beat myself up about every day. I'm not condoning shouting at an infant, we shouldn't do it, but it's not easy. I take my hat off to all the non shouty mums on there.

The clingy phase is tedious though, it will pass and be replaced by another equally delightful one.

Until tomorrow!

Haudyerwheesht Fri 24-Jun-11 22:28:14

I feel like that sometimes. Ds is 4 and very touchy feely, dd is 9m and very very clingy.

Some days I want to sit in silence and stare at a blank wall. On. My. Own.

RufousBartleby Fri 24-Jun-11 22:30:34

Is there any chance you are trying to do too much? Could you just say 'sod it' to a few other things? My house is just about passable, but do you know what when DS is up and about I don't even try to clean, its just too bloody difficult and I would get stressed out. Even when he's asleep I often sometimes just sit down with a drink, have a read, come on here etc. As a result I manage to be pretty chilled out with him, but I know I really wouldn't be if I tried to do everything. I'm not great at playing either so you are definitely not the only one!

Haudyerwheesht Fri 24-Jun-11 22:35:39

Ps he will enjoy helping you with housework.

Meglet Fri 24-Jun-11 22:35:41

I think you are over-worrying. You sound just fine.

Someone on here said the other day a mother is a human being, not super-human. (or words to that effect).

bail Fri 24-Jun-11 22:52:56

cheesy... but this is the first time I have posted on Mumsnet and I did not expect genuinely useful advise and support. I just needed to vent in private. I have been really touched by the advise and support, thank you x

winnybella Fri 24-Jun-11 23:00:14

Your feelings are absolutely normal but really, there's no point in making yourself miserable. Being every day with a small child IS boring and does test your patience a lot, obviously.

You take him to a couple activities a week, playground once a day...perhaps try to put in a few short bursts of playing with him to assuage your guilt. Tbh I often left DD to her own devices at that age and now at 2.5 she seems to be a normal, happy, affectionate child- and also now playing together is much more fun as we can communicate.

ronshar Fri 24-Jun-11 23:00:43

See we are not all vipers all the timesmile
We are mostly all mums and we all make mistakes and we all need somewhere ot go to let it out.
This is the mN that Matthew Wright doesnt see or want ot understand.

ronshar Fri 24-Jun-11 23:01:33

My spelling is normally better but I have been influenced by the harridens on the drunk thread sorry.

Bunsouttheoven Fri 24-Jun-11 23:27:42

I frequently go to bed feeling like I did a crap job that day, shouting, being impatient & then feeling bad immediately. Sometimes it feels like I am one big nag to my 5.yr old (& have ds aged 2).
What I do find that helps is going to toddler groups etc. It takes the pressure off the one to one relationship & means you get some adult company too. When it was just my dd was little I did something, toddler group/swimming/music group whatever everyday & I felt less isolated & less intense.

Woodlands Sat 25-Jun-11 10:08:41

i hear you. i had that feeling by 8am today with my 11 month old. i have actually shouted at him twice this morning and feel dreadful. he kept shutting the kitchen baby gate door on his foot and crying, and i kept moving his foot out of the way and he kept moving it back. then later he kept digging his sharp little teeth into various bits of my leg. and i do not appreciate having to get up before 6am on a saturday.

never mind, he is napping on me now and i have had a doze as well. when he wakes up i will be a better mother (plus dh has surfaced so he can take over for a bit...)

JuicyLips Sat 25-Jun-11 10:31:41

I feel like this too, before I had my children I imagined I would be a cross between Mary Poppins and Maria from The Sound of Music and seeminlgy able to control my children at all times, singing and having fun throughout the day, eeryone enjoing themselves with no shouting. but now I have children I often find myself doing none of these things and losing my temper more often then I would like. Every day I tell myself I will be better and tomorrow will be a good day, but each day seems to turn out the same.

MissTinaTeaspoon Sat 25-Jun-11 11:44:37

I can see where you are coming from, I think we've all been there! But it does get easier as they get older and their games become more interesting and they start to play by themselves. My dd's game of the moment is 'mines' which involves a blanket over her little table, a torch and bucket and me throwing bits of foil underneath! Keeps her happy for ages and means I can sit on the sofa and mn or read magazines.

Also there's no rule that says that you have to do what they want all the time - find a way to get him involved in what you want to do - dd has 'helped' me to bake from a really young age - when she was a baby by banging a wooden spoon on a bowl in her highchair, now she helps to mix and knead.

missingmyflatbelly Sat 25-Jun-11 12:36:09

Youve had lots of good advice here,I just wanted to add that a sling really helps with the clingyness at the feet! I used to hate it and still get frustrated by it but one day it dawned on me to see it from13mo ds' perspective-he just wants to see what's going on up there! So I learnt how to do a hip carry in my sling(I have a mei tAi) and it's kept me sane and ds happy and snuggly.

monkoray Sat 25-Jun-11 20:27:37

OP, if you can afford it find a gym with a creche. I do a couple of hours a week of really easy classes (yoga or walking on the running machine while watching mtv) and it gives me a bit of me time. Just an hour a couple of times a week will give you thinking and breathing space and will do wonders for your positive mental attitude

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