I have a 5 year old dd who is seeing a Play Therapist. She wasn't referred by anyone but I felt she needed some help with anxiety and other issues. She ticks a lot of boxes as a Highly Sensitive Child.
She has had several sessions and we see definite improvement with her but we still have lots of problems.
I was discussing her clingyness/reluctance to leave my side etc with the therapist today and she is of the opinion that it is a problem of Insecure Attachment.
I have researched a bit about this and it is very worrying. I breastfed her for a year, co-slept and am a SAHM. She has never been in childcare although is attending pre-school ATM.
I had quite bad PND after her birth but for some reason no-one seemed to realise how bad I was. I asked for help when dd was 2 months old and the health visitor brushed me off saying it was obvious I was a 'natural' mother and she could see dd was cared for and loved.
After that I think I gave up hope. DH threw himself into work and left me to it. Eventually when dd was 20 months old I concerned a friend so much that she made an appointment with me to see a counsellor. I found it helped a lot and I improved and went on to have a second dc.
I did feel like I bonded with dd1 and we are very close so why is the attachment insecure?
I will be speaking more to the therapist soon but I am worried and upset.
Sorry for the long post.
Has anyone got any words of wisdom?
TIA
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Anyone with knowledge ot experience of Insecure Attachment?
kindlekid · 21/06/2011 22:25
Kindlekid i just wanted to say you sound lovely. 
You have done everything to build security in your child. Imagine if you had forced her into her own bed, enforced separation so she could "get used to it" etc. She would be far more nervous. She night have learnt to hide it better, been taught that her fears were not acceptable to you. But she would be nervous inside. As it is she is a naturally clingy child, but she is able to be open with you about her feelings and this gives you the opportunity to acknowledge her emotions and reassure her. Well, that's what i think anyway. 
Kindle - firstly, unmumsnetty hugs. I agree with previous posters that it sounds like you are blaming yourself for this, which is a consequence of the tough time you've had recently ... and a consequence of a lot of the nonsense about attachment that is out there, which is almost inevitably all to do with blaming the mother 
. I'm a psychologist with a background in child development, so although I can't give you any definite answers on your DD, I have some points to make that will hopefully help you see that things are not as bleak as they seem.
Looking at your description of your DD, I presume that the play therapist intended to imply that your DD fitted into the insecure-ambivalent category, because of the preoccupation with departures that you mention. I can imagine that this is massively stressful every time it happens. However, since your DD is fine once the separation actually occurs, I don't feel that this attachment category accurately describes her behaviour at all (you would expect that DD would be angry, distressed and withdrawn during your absence, and strangers/teachers would find it hard to calm her/ deal with her in your absence - but that's not what you report; she's doing well at school. Moreover, you would expect her to be reluctant and withdrawn when you return, but as far as I can tell from your account of events, this doesn't happen either). This says to me strongly that the issue is not with attachment.
Attachment, contrary to the initial implication of Ainsworth/Bowlby et al, is not all or nothing. Their system is categorical, but a big study of 12-18 months old indicated that instead there is a continuum of attachment behaviours and relationships. To think of attachment as dichotomous (secure/insecure) is simply misleading to parents: this is not the way that we see development take place in real life. Children exhibit different attachment behaviours between time and situations, and with different caregivers. And it is very important to note that children themselves actively contribute to the construction of the relationship with the attachment figure - temperament has a big and often neglected role to play in this.
It is pretty hard to measure attachment in the older child, and indeed there's no really reliable way of doing it. It's certainly not a diagnosis in the way that the term diagnosis is usually understood i.e. carrying implications about aetiology and prognosis, implying a categorical difference from a different, non-pathological state. Your play therapist needs to explain why she thinks this explains your DD's behaviour and, more importantly, why it is helpful to frame your DD's behaviour in these terms i.e. how should it inform interventions and strategies? If, after explanation, you think this IS a helpful way (for you and for DD) to understand her difficulties, then that's brilliant. If not, however, don't feel like you're rejecting a 'diagnosis' - attachment theory remains just that, a theory, with lots of ongoing debate about it. Feel free to question what you're told, and remind yourself that you know your DD best. Have you and the play therapist discussed separation anxiety? It sounds like your DD is struggling with this rather than anything else, and the good news is that with loving support, this tends to decrease with age. Finally, do ask your GP for a referral to a different source of psychological support for DD if you feel it would be helpful - something like cognitive behavioural therapy can be very useful in this kind of a situation, and most children tend to find it fun and confidence-building.
Wow, I've written an essay. I hope some of that's useful ...
Lots to think about here.
DD settles well at school once I leave - she has never cried during the time she is there. It seems to be the moment of seperation she struggles with. She needs lots and lots of reassurance that I will be back to get her and that I love her, lots of hugs and reminders.
She is advanced verbally but quite immature in other ways. She is overwhelmed by groups of children but will talk easily to my friends for example. She startles very easily and hates loud noises. She hates the unexpected. I took her on a day out recently and we got through the few things we had planned much quicker than I thought and I wanted to do other things but even though everything I suggested was fun dd couldn't cope outside of what we planned and we ended up going home after a couple of hours.
I feel like I can't describe her very well on here. She is a lovely child, bright, affectionate, very kind to her younger sibling but there is another side to her too.
Every little thing is a struggle. She has issues around clothes, food, sleep (she still has a soother 
) I just want her to be able to enjoy life the way dc2 does but I suppose it is mainly personality and me forcing her into situations won't help. It upsets me that she is a worrier already at such a young age.
She has 2 good friends in pre-school but unfortunately they are not going to be attending the same school as she is. She knows a little girl outside of pre-school who will be starting school with her so hopefully that will help.
Kindle - it's certainly not unusual for separation anxiety to be particularly acute around this age. At around 5 there's a tremendous host of challenges for a child, and one of the biggest is coping with increased autonomy and separation from the primary caregiver. For a child with your daughter's sensitive temperament, I can understand why this challenge is particularly difficult (my oldest DD is very similar). You'd be really surprised at the number of families who experience this kind of problem: a lot of people just don't talk about it, but quietly bed share / give comforters / alter their routine to help their DC cope.
You mention two very extreme examples of 'attachment' disorder there, and it's what springs to mind for many people when they think about attachment problems. I understand why you feared the worst thinking about those examples, but in a way their rarity is exactly why they've stuck in your mind. Now you've reminded yourself of the warmth and depth of your bond with DD, I hope you realise that you're really not to blame for any of this (not that I mean to imply that your DD is, either!). These problems arise frequently - not all adults handle transitions well and neither do all children. The good thing is that your DD feels secure enough to communicate her feelings to you as a way of scaffolding the transition, albeit in a way that makes you both stressed .
You should still seek any help that you feel would be helpful to you both, mind you - I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to minimise your problem. But, for instance, part of my current research has involved administering an anxiety questionnaire to 7 and 8-year-olds - this is not to diagnose them but rather to look at normal variations in anxious feelings amongst children at this age. By some margin, the average separation anxiety score for this age group is higher than for the other anxiety dimensions. By the time I come back to assess them again, two years down the line, their separation anxiety scores have decreased quite dramatically because they've become older and more independent.
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