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Team work?

(2 Posts)
pinkposey Wed 15-Jun-11 22:32:38

My husband travels alot, and hasn't been as involved as would be perfect with our son (now 6 months) to date. We live overseas and he wasn't there for the 3rd trimester or pre-birth classes, he missed the birth (due to early arrival and snow closing Heathrow not because of his not wanting to), he traveled somewhat during the early months which I found quite difficult. He works in development and we live overseas, and he is certainly a great and caring person. However, I'm stuck at home alot, and have to date had limited access to getting out and about, or meeting people since the birth which is also when we arrived in our current posting. So, I have and have had masses of time with our son, and he so far has had little comparitively, as even when we're in the same country, our son is asleep by the time he gets home from work. Also, I think he was a bit scared of our son, and left me to look after him at first and until recently. Also I EBF and didn't express, so I always fed him. Two things have happened, I feel I'm becoming slightly resentful, I feel I'm somewhat of a single parent, and husband is feeling really left out, lacking confidence and like he's made many mistakes (mainly not being there) and been traveling alot. Also, how often should he go out with friends? I can't get out on the evenings myself as I don't have a car, or a babysitter. I don't want to confine my husband though at all, and previously we had many interests. We love each other and our son very much, but we're wondering how we should balance life and balance each other - including couple time which we've had lots of but not quality now. (Finding babysitters is difficult and we live a million miles from family or real friends). Can anyone suggest how we can move forward from here? Ideas would be most welcome, for how he can become more involved with our son at this stage, how I can stop feeling any resentment and how we can become more of a team and work together from here on. Thank you.

Piccadilly Thu 16-Jun-11 10:09:39

Can he take a holiday? Spend plenty of time together, the three of you, but also you going off to do something for yourself (even if it's just having a bath!), leaving him and the baby to get to know each other. The more time he spends with the baby, the more confidence he will get. I find I have to be quite assertive saying I need to do x myself and dh has to look after the kids for that time. He often feels tired from work stress and so not wanting the stress of looking after the kids alone - but I think to move forward you have to push it! It sounds like he is open to improving his closeness with his son.
Perhaps you can sit down with a calendar and plan in terms of how you can reorganise your lives so that he is at home for a "date" with your son regularly. Obviously nothing he can't manage - but if he could plan one Saturday morning a month or whatever, then you could arrange something for yourself to get out and the two of them would have some time together.
I would start planning specific time for him to take for his son - the time he spends with his friends is a second issue which may be affected by increasing closeness with his son. I'd leave that for now.
Another point is, your ds is still little, so there will come more opportunities for your husband to be involved - feeding solid foods, playing etc..
It sounds like you know what you want - and you both want basically the same thing - you just have to make a time plan to DO it - and then stick to that!

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