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Tricky situation with a friend

(20 Posts)
MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 09:30:11

I had a friend I met when DD was 4 weeks old. Her DD was the same age. We became friends and spent a lot of time together. Our DDs got on well as they grew up. We both had another baby and my DD went through a pushy shovey phase following this ( she was about 2.6) and was doing this to my friend's DD. My DD is not nearly as reserved as her DD. The older they have got the more apparent the differences between them are. My friend comforts at the slightest problem and her DD is quite clingy.
She prefers to go out places since the birth of her second child and invited us along places, however when DS was tiny I found it more stressful to be out all the time so never went.
We have gone from seeing them a couple of times a week to only once this year. She stopped answering calls and would change or cancel plans at the last minute so I have taken the hint.
However, I would like to have been told straight out if the problem was me or my DD ( our children are now 3.6).
DD has been in nursery from January and I have had no problems with aggression from her. It seems a shame for a friendship that was really close to end like this.
Unfortunately my 'friend' is a year 1 teacher at the primary school her DD and mine will be going to. It is the best one in the area. I am worried that DD, although a very outgoing and confident child, will find it hard attending that school given what has happened.
What do you think?

Flyonthewindscreen Tue 14-Jun-11 10:05:27

Surely it would be terrribly unprofessional of your friend to treat your DD differently because she has fallen out with you? Also if your DD is only 3.6 now year 1 is still a way off and there is no guarantee that your former friend will still be at the school (she might not want to teach at same school as her DD possibly?).

IMO you should try to have a last attempt to clear the air between you, maybe a note if she won't answer the phone, along lines of sorry we drifted apart, no hard feelings, etc? and then try not to worry about a worst case scenario that is unlikely to happen.

Flyonthewindscreen Tue 14-Jun-11 10:07:25

Also meant to say I don't think your friend has a problem with your DD, it sounds more likely she took offence at your not wanting to meet up when your DS was tiny.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 10:15:40

I was happy to meet at the park or hang out at each other's houses, I just didn't want to be driving all over the place as DS had reflux and wouldn't just sleep all the time in the car. I know she might not teach my child, but I would hope she wouldn't tell her DD not to bother with mine. I sent her a text at half 8 this morning before she started teaching saying was it me or my DD and that I felt quite hurt. No reply as yet.

MrsGravy Tue 14-Jun-11 10:15:40

If your daughter is only 3.6 I guess she won't be starting school til September 2012?! I honestly don't see how it will be a problem for her. It'll all be such a distant memory, she'll barely even remember your friend let alone the fact that you used to spend lots of time together and now you don't.

From what you've put it sounds like your friend was perhaps finding the relationship between the DDs tricky so she suggested meeting whilst out - neutral territory is always easier in these situations. You say yourself you were invited but 'never went'. I wouldn't mind betting your friend felt she was 'taking the hint' too. And would you really have wanted to be told 'straight out' that she had a problem with your DD??! That would have been a seriously uncomfortable conversation...

This may actually be an opportunity for you and your friend to pick up your friendship. She will see that your DD has changed, maybe your DD will pick up her friendship with her DD and you'll all get close again.

swash Tue 14-Jun-11 10:18:19

I wouldn't worry about this. I used to see a friend with dds every week, then work got tricky for me and our meetings were less frequent. We had a bit of a falling out and have now stopped seeing each other. But we bump into each other at gymnastics class and have gradually got more friendly again. I don't think we will be proper friends now, but we are both grown-ups and perfectly capable of behaving decently to one another. I am sure your friend will too.

Kamer is right that the teacher is unlikely to take the class that her dd is in. At my school they switched the year groups around to avoid this situation.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 10:24:45

Yes, would always rather just hear the truth than be quietly dropped. However, I had not considered she might think I was trying to distance myself by not going out places with her. Will have to see if she texts back. My DD still mentions both of them even though we have not seen them for 3 months now. I just got the impression she thought her DD needed protecting from my DD as the last time they saw each other her DD burst into tears as they had been holding hands and my DD had not let go when hers wanted to. Her DD was immediately scooped up and comforted when had it been the other way round it would have been no big deal for me.

Newbabynewmum Tue 14-Jun-11 11:36:06

Sorry just a quick question, why does it matter that she parents differently to you? It sounds like you have quite a problem with it, so what if she chooses to comfort her DD a lot? I don't get how that's relevant.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 14:00:33

Because I think because her daughter gets upset so easily she wants to avoid my DD as she upsets her by doing things like holding her hand too long. I don't have a problem with how she does things,but don't like my DD being made to feel she is doing something wrong.

missingmyflatbelly Tue 14-Jun-11 14:11:14

I had a prob with a friend I knew with a dd not much older than my ds. I just found certain things difficult with her in how we met up-similar to u meeting ip always had to be a big event when I just wanted quick coffees or lunches or popping round to each others houses. She never got my hints so it was just easier not to meet up. Sounds like you similarly had a clash of interests after your second dcs, this should be no big deal, friends often drift apart. But the main thing I wanted to say is, I would never have said to her, hey I have an issue with u, to her face.

swash Tue 14-Jun-11 14:15:15

Have to say, OP, that I don't quite understand your problem. I thought you were worried about the girls attending the same school esp as the mother teaches there. But if you have texted today it sounds like you are more concerned about losing the friendship. Your dd will be fine so long as you are - friends quite often come and go at this age.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 14:19:07

Both concern me. I don't like losing friends I was close to and I feel for my DD who does miss her friend and won't understand if she is shunned by her when she does start school.

snailoon Tue 14-Jun-11 14:19:12

Why on earth would a three year old have even the tiniest problem with this situation?
Have you talked about it to her a lot?
Even if you have, she will have forgotten it soon, unless you keep making an issue of it.
If you are upset about this why don't you write a friendly note asking if you have done something inadvertently to hurt your friend's feelings? I don't think a text is a good way to ask sensitive questions like this.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 14:21:28

Because up until January they literally saw each other every week. She saw her more often than her half sisters.

swash Tue 14-Jun-11 14:27:02

Well, your dd will get over it more quickly if you relax about it. You and your friend may well come back together. If not, the other girl is highly unlikely to shun your dd at school. They may well reconnect - once kids are at school they sort things out for themselves.

Abelia Tue 14-Jun-11 14:35:55

OP, I can relate to the situation with the children, but from the other perspective. My DS and my friend's DD have known each other since birth. Her DD pushes my DS, holds his hand too long, cuddles him hard round the neck, winds him up by always wanting to do things her way but not playing his games, ever. She will poke and prod at him, and when he tells her not to, does it all the more. Even if I tell her not to she will go back for another dig at him. Her mum is oblivious. When she does finally respond to repeated entreaties, she will step in with a very wishy-washy "please don't" to her DD.

My DS now does not want to see this girl, I don't blame him. He has become hyper-sensitive to all that she does to him because it happens every time. He cries quickly and I comfort him because I know he is completely fed up with her behaviour, as am I.

I'm not saying your DD is as bad as this, but perhaps you're not seeing all that goes on.

I suggest you call your friend rather than sending texts, perhaps have an evening out without children? Then you might get a chance to reconnect and maybe have a chat about things.

TotalChaos Tue 14-Jun-11 14:48:44

Eight thirty am is a pretty bad tine to text a working parent, no wonder no reply yet. Bear in mind that both of you are naturally protective of of your own children, rather than one of you being 100 per cent in the right

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 15:11:38

I texted then as we both teach and I know she gets to work at 8 ish the same as I do and it is often a time where you have 5 mins to have a cup of tea before it all kicks off. Anyway, looks like something I am going to have to let go.

TotalChaos Tue 14-Jun-11 15:18:34

but the last thing you want to do (or most people want to do) when gearing up to a stressful work day is deal with a stressful text!

MatchsticksForMyEyes Tue 14-Jun-11 18:34:48

Fair enough! I doubt I will get a reply at all to be honest. I feel like we've both been rejected. Takes me back to primary school and those are not good memories.

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