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I'm being tortured!

(35 Posts)
TotallyLovely Wed 08-Jun-11 10:09:32

I started a thread (http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1228831-How-to-MAKE-her-listen) about my daughter but sorry haven't replied to the comments, didn't mean to be rude, just wasn't sure what to say.

Today though I feel I am being tortured! Of course I know that I am not actually being tortured and that I am taking it too personally but that's just how it feels. I can't stand it when people don't listen to me and just ignore what I say (I probably have issues regarding this) so it really gets to me.

This morning my daughter is going to school and then leaving after lunch to go to the dentist. We have to go on the bus so she is really excited. She's nearly 5 by the way. So we talked about it yesterday and I told her what would happen and it what order, school, lunch, bus, dentist. She kept asking so I kept telling her.

This morning she kept asking as well so I told her (as did my DH) over and over again. It was nice that she was excited really but she just kept going on. Eventually though it just made me flip as I didn't understand why she wasn't listening to what I was saying. She asked me yet again if we were going to the bus stop now. "No" I said, "what did I say earlier?", she just looked blank. I said "what shoes did you just put on?" and she said "school shoes". So I said then that tells her where she is going first. So then she says "am I having lunch at school" whilst holding her lunch box after I have shown her what is inside and talked about how I would pick her up after lunch and who she would sit next to at lunch! I totally flipped!

I really lost it, I got so annoyed, shouting and swearing. I honestly don't understand why she won't remember from one minute to the next and the things I tell her don't seem to go in. She's an intelligent girl, inquisitive and doing well at school. I am ashamed to say that I asked her if she was stupid sad. I am so upset about it! I feel like a terrible mum, in fact I know I am a terrible mum. But she asked me probably more then 2 dozen times! I try to leave the room but she follows me wailing as she knows I am mad with her.

I have tried having a very serious conversation explaining that she needs to listen to what I am saying and that if she keeps asking then she isn't listening and that maybe she needs to think about the answer (and if she already knows it) before she asks it, and I have tried to explain how annoying it is and how she would find it annoying too if I didn't listen to her.

I do the "I have answered that question already so I am not going to answer it again" thing but sometimes I get too mad to be rational like that.

So upset sad

TotallyLovely Wed 08-Jun-11 10:09:57

Sorry don't know why link hasn't worked, never done one before.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 12:48:12

Anyone have any wise words?

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 13:43:32

Sounds like you may have other stresses going on too?? It is frustrating when you cant hear yourself think as your children are taking up your thoughts with their questions but you need to calm down, take a deep breath and remember she is only 5....she may be feeling anxious about her day, she may not feel comfortable with going to he dentist or leaving school. Either way yes you are right, you shouldnt be shouting and certainly not swearing, she is only asking you questions that she doesnt understand. Try not to beat yourself about it, id give her a big hug and a kiss and say sorry for shouting and swearing and start again. hope it all works for you x

Octaviapink Fri 10-Jun-11 13:43:56

Is she winding you up on purpose or does she do this with other people too?

BitOfFun Fri 10-Jun-11 13:45:14

Children just love repetition- it is very comforting to them. It's just a phase, it will pass.

scurryfunge Fri 10-Jun-11 13:46:49

Sounds like she gets attention from you by constantly asking the same questions -she has learnt you will respond. Just divert the conversation to something you both want to talk about.

thisisyesterday Fri 10-Jun-11 13:48:10

hmmm that would seriously annoy me too

maybe she'd take it in better visually?

if you had a whiteboard or something on the wall you could draw what happens when... so pic of a school, pic of big open mouth, pic of bus... then just point her at it

BlooCowWonders Fri 10-Jun-11 13:48:33

Agree with BoF, and would also say that dc love listening to their parents. My dc favourite non-question is 'what are we going to do tomorrow'. Translation, mummy talk to me please.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 14:04:34

babybumpx yes I do have other stresses going on but sort of always had done since my children were born (coping with something awful that happened when I was pregnant) but now also my DH is unwell and it's been a nightmare. It doesn't help really. I think when I am relaxed I am a good patient mum but I am not often relaxed.

Octaviapink I don't really know if she is doing it on purpose or she really just doesn't focus long enough for the info to go in. I REALLY don't know!

BitOfFun Hope so. She has always been very demanding though, perhaps to do with the awful thing that happened when I was pregnant and the problems I suffered with after. She wasn't born into a happy world sad

BitOfFun Fri 10-Jun-11 14:08:01

That sounds very sad. Perhaps she likes the extra reassurance of chatting to you about repetitive day-to-day things. Without meaning to sound critical of you, I think you have to bear in mind that blowing your stack like you did is only going to increase her anxiety, and might actually prolong insecure behaviour on her part. Food for thought?

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 14:09:28

Are you getting help with the emotional/mental effects that has obviously impacted on you due to what happened during pregnancy?? If not then i would strongly suggest you do, burying it away will only do more damage than good. You sound like you want to be the best mum that you can be smile you need to make sure you are happy and healthy for that to happen. I really hope it all works out and you find the answers/cure to find a happy medium for you and your family, x

SenoritaViva Fri 10-Jun-11 14:18:47

Can you get her to repeat it back to you once you have said it.

Some children can have problems retaining information or being able to follow more than one or two instructions at once. That doesn't mean they aren't bright but just that that part of the brain is still developing.

On days that are different can you get her to draw a picture of what is going on when you tell her (e.g. yesterday when she was asking she could have drawn pictures, or written if she is able, so that you could say 'look at your paper for the answer'.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 14:38:38

BitOfFun Yes I totally agree.

babybumpx I've had a ton of couselling and also medication for a while. I am a lot better now I think but it's been slow progress. I think maybe I still have some issues but not sure how much more help the NHS would give me!

SenoritaViva That's a very good idea. If a similar situation arises again I will try to get her to draw a pic or do one with her. She doesn't seem to have trouble with the instructions thing so much but retaining info I think she does. If she is doing something naughty and we ask her to stop and explain why, she often just does it again and I know she doesn't want to be naughty and gets very upset when she gets in trouble so I've been wondering for a while why things don't seem to go in and stay there.

It's good to have good intentions but i often find it harder once in the situation and actually dealing with it though.

PandaNot Fri 10-Jun-11 14:56:29

Do her teachers have the same problem? It's just that if I had a child in my class who frequently acted this way I would be questioning whether she had poor working memory or processing skills. Visuals will help if this is the case.

NeverendingStoryteller Fri 10-Jun-11 14:57:58

Agree with the other posters that it might be a bit attention-seeking (in a good way). My oldest still does this at occasionally at 7 yo - we just remind him that we've already gone over the issue, and we talk to him about something else. I think it's his way of 'breaking the ice' in a conversation, getting us to engage with him. He's not being malicious - he just wants a chat, about anything, really!

TotallyLovely Sat 11-Jun-11 07:47:06

PandaNot The teachers have never said she has a memory problem, they did however say they were concerned about her concentration although it seems to have got a lot better as they are not worried any more.

TotallyLovely Sat 11-Jun-11 07:47:57

NeverendingStoryteller Yes I should try to remember that when I start getting wound up (that she just wants attention possibly).

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Sat 11-Jun-11 08:05:03

Hi, I understand your frustration as I gave a son of 5 who us the same. However, I had severe pnd after my son and have had anxiety on and off since. I am thankful to gave realised this before my son gets any older as I believe that my son has simply picked up on my anxiety and has difficulty concentrating as a result. As my mind jumps from one thing to another, he has learnt to do the same. Since seeking help ( which I have had to pay fir such is the state of the nhs at the moment) I have learnt to calm right down around him and have seen him come on in leaps and bounds as a result. I'm telling u all of thus because it seems that u are anxious and are increasing your anxiety through her inability to concentrate and making the situation worse. Obviously this may not be the case with your child but give it a go maybe. Don't expect anything of her, just calm down yourself, breathe more slowly and if she doesn't concentrate just give her a hug and laugh about it with her. I believe the situation will get better. Good luck x smile

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Sat 11-Jun-11 08:07:25

Ps sorry for the spelling mistakes. Sausage fingers! Give her a hug xxx

giraffesCantZumba Sat 11-Jun-11 08:17:20

Wee girl I look after likes to hear the same things over and over - I have to keep telling her the story of the black car that was driving too fast.

What your dd is doing sounds like when children ask why? They likely know but just want to chat. Sometime I divert with humour. Well you are going to the moon then an aeroplane then the dr. No no Mummy school, lunch, bus, dentit...! Thi also checks she does actually know.

Are you chatting about other thing inbetween this or is there silence?

Isthreetoomany Sat 11-Jun-11 09:45:02

My 5 yr old DD does this too. But although she'll look at me blankly like she didn't quite hear/understand what I'd already said we were doing that day, I'm certain that she did process the info she just likes hearing it again (and again!). Especially if it is something out of the ordinary like a trip to the dentist.
She does the same with other stories she's been told about things that happened in the past (such as grandad falling off a ladder - "what happened when grandad fell off a ladder?").
I thought it was quite normal and just her trying to start conversations and keep them going, although yes it is highly irritating!!

TotallyLovely Sat 11-Jun-11 12:42:42

giraffesCantZumba No there is never silence! In between we would have talked about the day, about getting ready for school, about breakfast and what uniform to chose that day, she also constantly asks me for things (water, more breakfast, glue, pens . . .). She never really stops talking.

skybluepearl Sat 11-Jun-11 21:55:58

any hints?

stay calm and get her to repeat everything back to you step by step.

skybluepearl Sat 11-Jun-11 22:00:11

mayb its her way of getting your attention.

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