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I am going to stop shouting/raising my voice.

(14 Posts)
mckenzie Fri 03-Jun-11 19:19:16

I've decided that it has to stop, for lots of reasons but particularly as DD is copying me. I don't like shouting, I've never liked shouting, I always regret shouting but still, sometimes, the right buttons are pushed and I feel like shouting is the only way sad.

Please give me any tips you have for being a non-shouting parent.

I can see a pattern that involves my menstrual cycle but I can't use that as an excuse anymore. I need to sort myself out.

Any help/tips/hand holding gratefully received.

And please excuse me if I don't respond much tonight as I'm just waiting for the babysitter to arrive and we're off out. I needed to get this post down though so that I feel like I've taken the first step. It's in print now. I am going to stop shouting. End of.

TIA

homeboys Fri 03-Jun-11 19:58:00

Message withdrawn

AngelDog Fri 03-Jun-11 20:07:06

I found reading How to Talk so Kids Will Listen really helpful.

mamadash Fri 03-Jun-11 20:25:14

Wow...i logged on now to post a thread on how parents just chill out and not get too stressed out with their kids and shout etc... when I saw your post. Am in same dilemma - dont think I help dealing with my oversensitive DD. Would welcome any tips....have the best intentions but just tend to lose it when children dont listen etc....

Would love the advice of you sage and calm parents

tulipe Fri 03-Jun-11 21:37:19

Shouting can be so frustrating and soul destroying.
I was raised by shouty parents. I quickly raise my voice. Lack of sleep and menstrual cycle are definitely triggers. It seems to increase as shouting louder and louder seems to be required for the kids to hear me! At the end of the cycle I felt completely barking mad and my children were giving me a headache shouting non-stop!
I read How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk like angelDog. A great help. (it is very easy to read and practical) When emotions of anger arise I don't know what to say.The book has helped to find the right words, and the kids seem to hear a bit better!
Good luck

AngelDog Fri 03-Jun-11 21:40:26

Bumperlicious did a summary of How to Talk here.

lukewarmmama Fri 03-Jun-11 21:41:49

I sometimes pretend I'm my mum. She was a teacher and used to peer over her glasses, speak very slowly and very clearly in a proper, deep voice. Blimey, you've never seen 33 children pay attention so fast.

<<quakes in boots just thinking about it>>

Most of the time I just nag ineffectively though.

tostaky Fri 03-Jun-11 22:03:33

i was actually thinking about that earlier and i came tothe conclusion that yes, of course i should avoid by all means to shout, but it is not the end of the world if i do - two cheeky DS under 3 is bloody hard work....

mckenzie Sat 04-Jun-11 08:51:23

good morning and thank you. I have that How to Talk book and I have read most of it but it was quite a few years ago. I'm going to read the summary first that Bumperlicious did to get me started asap then start reading the book again.

Small article in the Times today with a similar theme - it must be classic end of half term huh?

Homeboys - I shall take your advise and try the evening primrose.

Mamadash - Too early for wine so have this on me instead brew to help you through the weekend.

Today I will not shout. One day at a time. smile

Thanks again.

purepurple Sat 04-Jun-11 09:06:56

If you feel the need to shout, try just shouting the first word, then lower your voice and carry on with the rest of the sentence.
I work with 2 and 3 year olds and would have no voice left if i shouted all day grin
I have developed a way of talking to children so that they listen. I find it helps if you make what you say positive instead of negative e.g "Please sit on your bottom" instead of "Don't stand on that chair!"
Tidy-up time is a classic flash-point whare some members of staff will stand there shouting and bawling out the children for not helping. I try to be not as loud and ask for their help instead of demanding it e.g "Where does this go?" Or "I need help with this" Always works much better than "Put that down!" "What have I just said?" and the classic "You're not getting a sticker if you're not tidying up".
It really does come down to how you speak to them. You could always imagine they are somebody else's children. I always keep the thought in the back of my mind, would I be happy with somebody talking to my own children in this way? You could turn that around and ask yourself would I talk to other people's children in this way?
Good luck, it is never easy when they are your own children. They always find those buttons to press.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes Sat 04-Jun-11 09:21:53

I want to stop too, just seems to happen sometimes, despite having read How To Talk. Two things that I find work well are:

Pretending there is another adult present, I don't tend to shout in front of other people. DS was being the biggest PITA at the sports centre last week, was pushing every button imaginable, but because we were sat with friends i managed to stay calm and quiet, if we had been at home I wold have been screaming at him.

The humour / fantasy thing from How To Talk. Yesterday DD was whinging endlessly because we didn't have any Pink Lady apples, only Braeburns. I was getting very irritated, but pointed to a tree and said I wished I could wave my wand and the tree would start growing hunderds of Pink Lady apples so she could have some and set up a shop with the rest. She laughed, didn't eat the Braeburn but it diffused all the anger and irritation on both sides.

mckenzie Sat 04-Jun-11 13:00:28

thank you for those extra tips. I'd forgotten about the humour / fantasy thing. When I've remembered to use it in the past with DC2 who is just 6, it worked a treat. So far, so good today smile

DaisyLovesMetronidazole Sat 04-Jun-11 13:21:59

I rarely shout and when I do it's usually to prevent danger rather than out of anger. I do give out, but in a calm and even tone. Ignoring mild unwanted behaviour and having a clear strategy for the more serious stuff does help (whichever parenting approach you use).

This may seem very obvious, but don't mix up not shouting with not correcting behaviour or even not parenting. I have no reason to believe that you would do this, but I have two friends who decided to stop shouting.

One took the softly softly approach (of only correcting extremely bad behaviour, and even then with a "do you think that's nice?" to which he usually replies "YES!" and continued). I know it works for some DC, but hers just took this as an opportunity to behave poorly without correction.

The other read a lesser known book or article or something (I can't remember the name) which advocated lavishing attention on a child who is acting up while he/she is acting up. I think the poor child thought he was engaging in desired behaviour.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Best of luck with it. smile

mckenzie Sun 05-Jun-11 19:44:09

thanks daisy. I've managed another day with no shouting and funnily enough, I came on today so it really is so related to my menstrual cycle. The week before, which is the classic time for PMT I guess, and I am really at my most shoutiest (is there such a word??)

I don't think I have changed what I consider acceptable behavior although I am trying to not sweat the small stuff as well anyway, but I am just much calmer in my approach now. And I'm counting to 10 , or at least 5, before I respond to anything to make sure that I am responding correctly. The whole house has been so much nicer all weekend.smile. Thanks again.

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