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concerned for DS1 aged 6

(16 Posts)
babybumpx Fri 03-Jun-11 14:35:12

Hello, Im not sure this is the right section for this subject but here goes....My DS1 visits his father on a regular basis ie weekends for 1 night, I have recently spread out the contact as I am concerned that my ex partner is emotionally abusing our son, by talking about our separation in a very inappropriate way, blaming me for the break up and telling our DS that families should never spilt and I took him away from his daddy! On that occasion, my son came home very distressed and angry towards me, it took a good few weeks for him to get over that! Another concern that has come up is my DS1 mentioned that he has secrets and cant tell me, as his father told DS that mummy will argue with me if he says anything! Now my DS is only 6 which really isnt the point as I wouldnt expect this to happen to him at any age as its just not fair! Now i would contact my ex partner about this but the last time I challenged him about his parenting he text me and said that if our DS keeps telling lies he wont see him anymore......! So im pretty stuck with no solution, obviously I have spoken with DS and explained that the only secrets people tend to keep are ones that are supposed to be surprises ie Birthday and Christmas! and that any other secret that an adult tells them keep is generally not a good idea, especially if an adult has said dont tell mummy! This is just two of many issues that involve my ex partner....constant abuse via text message, laughing when he comes to collect our son if DS is rude!? etc. I have just had a message from him now saying "you make me sick" after he text to ask what DS is doing, I replied "playing" and that is what I get all the time from him and worse. What do I do?

babybumpx Sun 05-Jun-11 17:08:18

Is there anyone with any advice?

MudandRoses Mon 06-Jun-11 20:39:58

Hi babybump,
I don't really have any firm advice as it sounds like a very tricky situation and one I have little experience of. But from what you've said, your ex is being emotionally abusive not just to you but to your son too. If I were in this situation, I would feel very reluctant to let my child spend time with him. It seems like by saying that 'if DS keeps telling lies he won;t see him anymore' he is relying on the fact that you desperately want your child to maintain contact with his father - he is manipulating you and your son. His behaviour seems completely unacceptable, and I would be tempted to say to him that if it continues, you would take steps to ensure your son only sees his father in a safe environment, under supervision if necessary. It's really important you protect and connect with your son, and make sure he feels safe with you and loved by you, and can tell you whatever he needs to. If your ex is poisoning him against you, though, this may be increasingly difficult. So be prepared to take the necessary steps.

babybumpx Wed 08-Jun-11 15:48:24

Thank you for your advice, he is very difficult and because I am completely aware of the importance of their relationship it does make it harder, he has said that he wont see him anymore so I am going to wait rather than contact him again. if he decides to contact us then I will make it very clear to him that it stops and if he continues then I will take court action as our sons emotional wellbeing is so crucial! Hopefully everything will work out well.....time will tell hey.

Thanks again x

Pedallleur Wed 08-Jun-11 20:10:05

You need to coax the 'secrets' out of your son. All you will do is imagine the worst so set your mind at rest and find out the truth. As stated above your ex is manipulating the situation. Keep the abusive texts and if neccessary, arrange visits for what you consider a safe environment.

TotallyLovely Wed 08-Jun-11 21:41:33

I agree with getting the secrets out of your son.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, it must be horrible handing your son over to him when you know what he is like. He doesn't really sound right in the head!

I would be tempted to say "well fine don't see ds again, bye!". I know your son probably loves his dad but his dad is fucking with his head and it's going to damage him.

I'm sorry that I don't have any actual practical advice.

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 10:47:32

Thank you, Ive still not contacted him so i'll continue to wait. My DS seems so much calmer since not seeing him anyway! not that that means he isnt happy seeing his daddy but it sure does say something about the anger that gets fuelled into him whilst he's there.

I dont want my son to feel bombarded with any questions from me, I feel he gets alot of that from his father, however I do talk about things with him in play time scenarios so I'll try abit more, there is alot of loyalty when it comes to my DS and his father.....hence the secrets as this has obviously been something that his father has encouraged for a while? very frustrating....expecting a baby in 10 weeks too so I have to be very careful with DS, I certainly dont want the arrival of a new baby to upset him even more.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 12:42:19

How long has it been since he saw him?

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 13:06:20

he last went to stay with him for 1 night, back home the next early afternoon two weeks ago, prior to that it was nearly 4 weeks, which isnt that long but I certainly saw a big change in him in that time. his father is still very bitter about me leaving (its been 5 years since i left him). It feels like this will go on forever, either way I just want my son effected by it.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 13:09:11

Is there any way that you can keep him from his dad legally? Do you think that would be better for your son? It's so hard because you don't want him damaged by his dad but you don't want him to resent you for stopping him seeing his dad. Don't know much about the legal stuff sorry.

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 13:14:18

They would only justify that if DS was in harms way or serious emotional is a very tricky one as I know his father loves him with all his heart and I know my son loves his father in return, he is his god! I think if it went through legal action id be inclined to suggest parenting classes for his father with a focus on the subject at hand but getting my ex to agree with that would be hell!! He seriously doesnt have a clue what damage this will do to our son if he carries on. I have tried mediation but he refused. he just says I talk s**t and laughs about the psychology of it all.

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 13:32:19

Oh! He doesn't sound too smart!

TotallyLovely Fri 10-Jun-11 13:34:47

I was going to suggest you talking with him about it and explaining how upset you son gets and how secrets aren't good for children and about how it may affect him in the long run . . . but, if he replies "you are sick" because you told him your son was playing then I don't see that you could possibly get him to understand.

What did he mean by that anyway?

thisisyesterday Fri 10-Jun-11 13:40:22

i think you really need to weigh up the benefits of maintaining a relationship with his father with the emotional abuse he is suffering from his father

quite frankly I think you should stop all contact until he can behave appropriately with him, or, only allow him supervised contact.

you're going to end up with a very unhappy little boy if this continues, all because you feel he has to maintain the relationship.

babybumpx Fri 10-Jun-11 13:53:15

He said "you make me sick" I had told him 2 days prior to that message that DS is having a very busy weekend so would he mind not seeing him til the next weekend, I spoke with DS first. So im guessing it was to do with that? but to be honest, he has always sent me random messages going from I love you to I hate you....Now that I am in a very happy relationship it has calmed down with the I love you messages but hes still a very angry man.

thisisyesterday - yes that is what im doing, someone very close to me (child psychologist) said that as long as I am consistant with my home and parenting my DS will realise whats going on, which will be a great shame as he will realise that I say nothing but nice things about his father and encourage healthy relationships and positive parenting where as his father is extremely negative and nasty towards me. I am in the process of writing everything down that has happened which will help me with the pro's and con's. I cant go through legal action right now due to pregnancy, it would be too upsetting, so i'll wait until Im ready for that.

Thank you both for taking the time to give advice smile

babybumpx Fri 17-Jun-11 20:12:31

DS asked about his father today....feeling slightly worried and concerned by it all now.

I decided to text his father and ask what are we doing, just dont want him to carry on how he has been...why cant he just listen

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