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I really need help

(16 Posts)
1sttimemum007 Fri 27-May-11 11:30:10

I am desperate for some help. I have a beautiful 10 week ds. She is actually a very good baby but I am not a good parent I still don't understand her. I can't deferentiate between her crys still. This leaves me so frustrated and today when she cried and I just tried everything, wind, nappy food I actually screamed at her to shut the f...up. I was so angry I put her in her moses basket put my ear defenders on and walk away to cry.

I feel awful, she deserves so much better. She deserves for me to be able to interpre her crys. I fear if I carry on like this, I will stunt her development and growth.

Please is there anything or anybody out there on the lines of Joe Frost that could come to my house for a week or so to help me. My baby deserves to be happy and to grow up as a happy individual. The way I am going this may not happen and it would be grossly unfair to her, please somebody help me.

sparkle1977 Fri 27-May-11 11:51:13

OP firstly calm down about this episode. I am sure every mum will have been through similar at many many points. You are not doing a bad job in the least.

Lots of people talk about being able to "interpret cries" but to be honest I don't think I really could with my two DS's. When they are 10 weeks old I found it was just a case of trying out every option like you did, failing that I would give up and just let baby cry for a bit. It won't harm your baby and it certainly won't stunt growth or development.

In my experience babies just sometimes cry for no apparent reason and there really is not much you can do about it 100% of the time. Just do the usual checks for hunger, wet nappy etc etc and be sure that baby is not unwell but after that I would just cuddle them to comfort them.

Occasionally though they will just cry and wail until you feel like you cannot stand it anymore, just take yourself to another room and count to ten to calm yourself.

Tee2072 Fri 27-May-11 11:54:02

Don't beat yourself up. I used to put my son in his cot and walk outside so I wouldn't hear him for a few minutes. We all get to that point.

And I think people who say they can tell why a baby is crying are full of it. I have never known why my son was crying. And sometimes they just cry for no reason except they can.

Take a deep breath, give him a big cuddle (or her, you say DS and then she, so not sure which!) and move on.

suzikettles Fri 27-May-11 11:59:24

I was never able to tell why ds was crying (unless it was really obvious like something sticking into him).

My mum would always say "Oh, it's because he's overtired"
My gran would always say "Oh that's a hungry cry"

Most of the time he seemed to just want to be picked up so I went with that. I agree that sometimes it's just because they can, or it's for some reason known only to a 10 wk old.

KnitterNotTwitter Fri 27-May-11 12:00:06

I doubt there is a mum here who hasn't been in an identical situation to you. I know that I certainly have - the majority of the time the differences between the crys are so subtle you can't work them out, especially if you're tired yourself.... Here is some things that worked for me when DS was crying..

Cuddle - skin to skin cuddle if possible
Swaddling
Song
White noise (going SSSSSHHHHHHH)
Rocking/dancing with baby in arms
Nappy change/clothes change
Going outside, espeically under trees
Favourite rattly toy
Give to DH
Put in buggy and go for a walk
Feed
Bath
Baby Massage
Allow to sleep on you
Drive in the car
Walk in the buggy

The other thing that I found was that if I got frustrated that worried DS so he'd keep crying. You need to practice your silent meditation so that you can allow your own emotions to disperse - then you are capable of dealing with your childs whirling emotions.

I got a lot from the book 'the happiest baby on the block'. It's a really quick and practical read and you can buy it quite cheaply on amazon second hand.

Hope that helps.

bankholiday Fri 27-May-11 12:26:14

OP, please don't worry. My DS is 13 weeks old and can sometimes cry for no apparent reason and I get so, so frustrated. Like a previous poster said, he can pick up on this and become even more unsettled.

There hasn't been one day since he was born that I haven't felt like a bad mother. Today he screamed in his pram and I just couldn't work out why, and he just went on and on, and I actually swore and I still feel bad about it. I hate hearing him cry as well so almost always pick him up really quickly, but there have been times when I had to let him cry for a couple of minutes. I don't think you can avoid this.

Please calm down, you are definitely not stunting her development. It's not done on MN, but big hugs.

Slobberedupon Fri 27-May-11 12:36:43

Like everyone here, it was the same for me - I just used to go through everything recommeded until something seemed to work (still do this to this day!) If nothing worked then I just used to sling him - he may have still been crying but at least I knew that he was being comforted while he cried and I could then take him for a walk if necessary.

You're not a bad a bad mum at all, you're a NORMAL mum - struggling to learn how to look after a baby like all us first time mums. The books all make it seem so easy "just learn this and then you'll be able to manage the baby and it'll be easy (easier)" the only thing is that the babies haven't read the books. According to my friends who have lots of children - every one of them was different and was comforted by different things, the same trick didn't work for all.

The fact that you're on here means that you are a great mum, you're trying to do the best for your DS! If you continue to feel overwhelmed, is there anyone close to you that you can talk to/lean on. You don't have to do it all and family/friends can be great at giving you a break if you need one.

Biggest hugs and it will get better!!

kreecherlivesupstairs Fri 27-May-11 12:40:02

Blimey, I tried really hard while DD was in hospital after being born to work out which of the crying babies was her. I failed. She often cried for no apparent reason. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing. Unless there is something obvious that you can do, just keep comforting.
Chin up and possibly talk to your HV about PND. You do sound really down in the dumps.

EMS23 Fri 27-May-11 15:43:40

You're not a bad mum, you're normal. I can't differentiate my babies cries. She is 6 months old and I still don't have a clue.
I have done all of what you said and more. I very nearly drove the two of us off a bridge once. She was 11 weeks old and just would not stop crying.
She's growing and healthy and brilliant. It does get better but you need to look after yourself. Do you have some RL support that can come and give you an hour off?
I found even half an hour away from her at my lowest moments could reset me and make it feel ok again. Maybe it's PND, maybe you're exhausted but whatever it is, get some rest.

Not to make light of anything you are feeling but another friend of mine is certain her babies first words will be "for fucks sake, what's wrong now" because for the 1st 3 months of her life that was said to her quite a lot!

gourd Fri 27-May-11 16:10:41

Heh heh! It's a complete myth that you will know what your baby wants by their cry! I never have and mine is 8 months now! They can't tell us so all you can do is go through the same list of things each time - hungry/wet or dirty/sleepy/cold/hot/wants cuddle etc. Don't worry about snapping at your baby, we've all done it and your baby won't remember the odd occasion when you've yelled. It wont scar her for life or anything. Don't worry about leaving her to cry for a few minutes either, it wont harm her as long as it;s not for long periods. Generally it's better to try to respond quickly but taking a couple of minutes time out is actually good idea of you feel yourself getting annoyed with her. If you need to, take a few minutes and some deep breaths before you go back in to help you avoid snapping or yelling at her.

1Catherine1 Fri 27-May-11 16:38:52

I don't think there is a mum anywhere that hasn't felt helpless to stop their child crying. The NHS give out a "birth to 5" book and in there it has a section on crying. If I remember correctly it reads "babies cry and some babies cry a lot", it then goes on to say that sometimes there is nothing obviously wrong with them and if it begins to stress you you should leave the child in a safe place and leave the room to calm down for a couple of minutes. My theory is that if the NHS book says its ok to do then it won't make you a bad mother to do it smile

My DD is 9 weeks old and there has been times where she has stressed me out so much that she has brought me to tears. At 3:30 in the morning when she is clean and fed but been crying for 30 minutes straight despite the cuddles she'd had I also felt like I couldn't cope. Not only did I feel like a bad mother but I also felt that my neighbours and my inlaws who were staying with us also thought I was a bad mother.

Sylvaniasandwich Fri 27-May-11 17:28:13

Agree it is a myth. I had NO idea what DD1's cries meant though I read the Baby Whisperer! I just checked nappy, tried feeding, winding etc. DD1 cried a lot - the best thing I found was Howard Karp's five Ss. You don't need the book imo - just watch this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddRkI5wVIqQ

AngelDog Fri 27-May-11 19:27:20

Your job is not to understand the cries, nor to stop the crying. Your job is to offer all the solutions you can think of, even if the crying continues.

I would ignore anyone who tells you you're a bad parent if you don't know why they're crying. I generally didn't at that age, and it was about 6 months before I could tell the difference between hungry/tired/in pain. Now it's happening all over again as DS is learning to speak and he and I are really frustrated when I don't understand him.

Like Slobberedupon, I used to put DS in the sling when I'd exhausted the other options - at least he was wailing whilst being cuddled.

Putting your baby down while you go and scream take a deep breath in another room if necessary is just sensible if it's that or get so angry you could hurt them. I had to do it myself last night with my 16 m.o. DS.

And yes, the Harvey Karp stuff is good. My DS didn't like all of it, but it did give me some ideas to try. He reckons a lot of 'colic' / crying up to 3 or 4 months is to do with an immature nervous system, not any actual problems like hunger/tiredness etc.

dikkertjedap Fri 27-May-11 21:46:05

Agree with other posters that it is a myth. When dd cried I just kind of guessed and kind of calculated what was the matter, e.g. just changed nappy, so can't be that, maybe try feed, no doesn't want feed, maybe bored, no doesn't want to play, well then probably tired. After a while I could kind of work it out part of the time in this way. Other women of my ante-natal group kept saying 'oh you know always exactly why she cries' well that was most definitely not the case. Also, you may yourself feel exhausted with a ten week old so also try to look after yourself and sleep whenever your baby naps to catch up. You will probably still feel naggered but hopefully slightly less. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself, perfection only exists in books and films but not in the real world and many of the experts don't seem to have children themselves ...

smoggii Fri 27-May-11 23:12:31

I think you are going through the same thing many new mum's go through, I know I certainly am too, my DD is 20 weeks.

But I also think you may want to talk to your GP or HV about how you are feeling. They will be able to give you support.

I struggled because I had PTSD following an horrific birth experience and my GP referred me to a specialist team that deal with PTSD connected to birth and PND and they have really helped.

You don't need a magic Nanny, you and your DD just need more time to get to know each other, it'll be fine.

You say your DD deserves more but all she wants is you and your love, you will get there x

Albrecht Sat 28-May-11 10:54:24

I used to worry about this. My SIL says she could tell what her newborn needed. Whatever, ds has me for a mum so we have to rub along and do our best.

What helped me stop obsessing over it was:

Psychiatrist told me its not solving their problems that is important but the effort you go to, trying different things to make them happy that shows them you love them.

Some babies find the world overwhelming and have to let it out. So just being there with them while they cry shows you care, even if you can't stop them. Don't worry about the odd time you need to get away. Its the 95% of the time that you are there that reinforces your feelings and reassures them, not the 5% when you can't that they remember.

For her developmen at this age she needs smiles, cuddles and chatting from you because you are the most important thing in the world to her (I know it sounds soppy and bit bleurrgh but it is true).

Are you feeling anxious a lot of the time? I recognise the desparate tone of your post - could have been written by me 6 months ago. You can get help to feel more relaxed about being a good enough parent. Little people need to learn that no-one is perfect so they can accept their own 'failings' as they get older.

Do come back and let us know how you are.

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