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DH said the saddest thing to me regarding dd,9.

(27 Posts)
donnie Tue 24-May-11 14:31:12

So, oldest dd is 9, will be 10 in a few months. Dh and I take it in turns to turn her lights off and when I do it I quite often lie down with her for 10 minutes or so because she asks me to and it's a nice way of rounding off the day.

Yesterday I was going over something dd and I had discussed at light off and he said that she often asks him (dh) to lie down with her as well, but he said to me he feels he just can't, in case somewhere far down the line she lets slip to someone or other that he has been on her bed and it gets misinterpreted. He expressed such sadness at not ebing able to lie dowm and cuddle his own daughter. I felt really sad as well.

Has anyone else had this with their DP? at what age is it no longer ok to lie down on the bed and have a little cosy chat ? it's all so grim.

drivinmecrazy Tue 24-May-11 14:39:32

My DD1 (10) still has the occassional bath with Daddy, and although it's a bit of a squeeze, they are very comfortable with it so would not think twice about a cuddle in bed. DD also insists Daddy massage her back and shoulders once a week while they watch a movie. (actually all that sounded a bit strange reading it again blush ) I know a time will come, probably very soon, that their relationship will change so actually think it's quite nice that they can share that closeness now.

Merrylegs Tue 24-May-11 14:39:59

Oh dear.

It's OK at any age to lie down and have chat.

I often go up to say goodnight to DD (10) and find DH sprawled out on her bed having a good old chin wag. He also pays her 50p to massage his feet! And he works in child protection.

Your DH is massively over-thinking this. What a shame.

AgainWhen Tue 24-May-11 14:50:30

If they are both comfortable then of course he should just do it. Would he think it strange if he heard this about another father?

applechutney Tue 24-May-11 14:53:21

Agree that your dh is overthinking this. DD gets in to bed for a morning cuddle with Dh on weekend mornings.

She'll be 10 in july.

It's just as sad for your DD as your husband, if he's refusing to cuddle her (however worthy his motivation). Not a healthy message to give her, in my eyes.

ExitPursuedByAKitten Tue 24-May-11 15:00:29

My DD 11 - gets in our bed at 6am every weekday morning - for a snuggle - I then get up to go and do the horse and she stays in bed with DH. Both of them snoring away.

Tell your DH to chill out and get on that bed.

stillstanding Tue 24-May-11 15:03:01

Very sad. I understand why your DH is thinking this (I always think about this when I am taking photos of my children whenever they are in any state of undress ...) but he is overthinking it and should do what he feels comfortable with.

TobyLerone Tue 24-May-11 15:04:13

My son (11) and daughter (10) get into bed with us every weekend morning. We're usually naked, so we tell them that and they either say "eeeewwwww!" and lie on top of the covers, or they say "eeeewwwwww!" and back away out of the door while we put underwear on.

cazzybabs Tue 24-May-11 15:05:22

He is her daddy ... nothing wrong with getting in bed for cuddles... I hate our culture where everybody and every action is ready to be misinterpreted

1Catherine1 Tue 24-May-11 15:06:20

Reading that has really made me quite sad. It really shows what society has come to that your dh feels like this.

I hope he can get past it though as it would really be quite healthy if he could keep the good communication going. I think if I over heard one of my pupils telling another pupil that her dad lies on her bed in the evening and chats I wouldn't even think twice about it.

exoticfruits Tue 24-May-11 15:17:29

Of course he can! Like 1Catherine1 I wouldn't think twice about it-it is what father's do. Very sad that he feels he can't.

AgainWhen Tue 24-May-11 15:31:18

The more I think of it, the more I think that if people feel this way and change their behaviour they are actually contributing to a move towards the kind of society where fathers can not show affection for thir daughters, as they are establishing new norms.

I don't really think your DH is going to get into trouble for innocent actions.

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall Tue 24-May-11 15:31:55

My dad watches TV upstairs (sports - golf, snooker, football etc) lying on his bed so when I pop in I go upstairs and lie on the bed with my dad.

It is a shame that your DH feels this way, I also agree that he may be overthinking it

betterwhenthesunshines Tue 24-May-11 16:49:00

Even more important than ever that he can lie down and chat with her at age 10. It's great that she wants him and the longer she can keep talking to him about everything from Doctor Who to swimming lessons, to what's the point of maths..... the easier it's going to be her to be able to come to you when sh'es a teenager and the really tricky questions come up!

jugglingwiththreeshoes Tue 24-May-11 17:06:23

Our kids often come in to our room and give us some great hugs, especially when there's more time at the weekend. It's a good time for some relaxed chats too.
Just wondered if that might be a way round things for your family too. Perhaps your DH would feel more comfortable - or that it would sound more acceptable to others should they ask - if you all had your hugs together in your larger bed.
And perhaps DH could say to DD that there's not much room anymore in her little bed, which might be true in any case !
On the whole though I'd agree with those who've said it's a shame to worry about what others might think or say, which is probably nothing anyway !
Hope the thread helps you all think through these things, OP smile
My DD is growing up fast too - probably time to encourage DH not to breeze around in the altogether ! What do you all think on that one ?

donnie Tue 24-May-11 17:36:40

thanks for all those replies folks. I also think that my dh is over anxious about this.

Juggling - thanks a lot for those tips, very useful advice there. Both our dds do get into our bed at weekends and he doesn't worry about that but he is quite worried about going into her room and lying on her bed. He doesn't really go in the bathroom when she is in the bath/shower anymore either.

I think I will show him this thread though , it will provide some reassurance.

GreenToes Tue 24-May-11 17:42:13

I'm away at university now but when I'm at home I still sit at the end of my parent's bed in the morning for a chat! Or just my dad if my mum has already got up. On Christmas or birthdays we all sit in their bed to open our presents. It's nothing weird, just family being together. I went through a phase when I was in my early teens of not doing it, but that was mainly because I didn't want to spend time with my family or I was in bed all morning anyway! It's sad that your husband feels that way but he really needs to get over it so that he can spend quality time with his daughter smile

Hulababy Tue 24-May-11 17:49:42

My DD is 9y and although she is developing now, she is still pretty open at home, often half undressed, still doesn;t always shut the bathroom door, etc. And she is still very tactile with DH. He will still go in and talk to her when she is int he bath sometimes or help her rinse her hair, just the same as I would. And she gets into our bed sometimes in a morning for cuddles, and if one of us is away for the night she still likes to sneak into their place in bed for a long as she can get away with. I think I will feel sad when DD no longer wants to or when DH no longer feels okay with her doing it.

CointreauVersial Tue 24-May-11 17:54:47

That is so sad.

When I'm home I will still lie on the bed next to my dad in the morning and have a chat (he is a big fan of lie-ins). Perhaps not under the covers any more, though. grin

DH still has lots of cuddles with the DDs (10 and nearly 8), and supervises their baths in the evening (hair rinsing etc). He wouldn't think anything of it.

Sylvaniasandwich Tue 24-May-11 19:43:44

Your DH really should take his lead from his dd, who needs to feel physically comfortable with her dad. I slept in my dad's bed for a couple of years when he and my mum divorced - it was really nice, but I remember deliberately not telling a nosy teacher about the arrangement because I realised even at 7/8 that it could be construed as odd.

Cymar Thu 26-May-11 13:24:31

At 9yo I didn't allow my parents to put me to bed. I figured I wasn't a baby anymore and could go to sleep perfectly well by myself. I didn't feel comfortable with either my mum, dad or DB's coming into my room. I can't quite explain it, I was just uncomfortable with anyone being in my room. It was like an invasion of my personal space IYSWIM.

monkoray Thu 26-May-11 13:55:13

That is very sad indeed. I do feel really sorry for dads, i think it can be much harder for them to pick their way through the thorny issues of appropriate behaviour.
I understand why he is concerned but IMHO he should worry less about what people might wrongly read into it and concentrate on what his daughter is asking for. If she is asking for him to lie with her, he should do that. At the end of the day even if someone did misinterpret it your daughter would be able to set them straight. Is it not better to risk the frowns of others, than deny a child close contact from a parent?

Simic Thu 26-May-11 14:11:39

My sister and I used to get into our parents bed for a chat in the mornings well into adulthood! Admittedly everyone fully clothed (ok parents in pyjamas and me and my sister usually dressed already). I don´t do it anymore because now my dd and ds have taken my place and there´s no room left for me!

QuackQuackSqueak Thu 26-May-11 17:50:57

So was he always worried about this or just lately now she's getting older?

RueLaChesty Thu 26-May-11 23:43:29

I remember the last time I got in bed with my dad for a chat, i was upset as i'd fell out with my sister. he had been working all day and was not impressed that i'd woke him up!

I was 25 and drunk grin

I would be upset if DP felt like that as the young age, but would understand if dds were 25 and drunk!

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