We have two lovely daughters aged 5.9 and 1.10, we live in our home town and we both work (I do three days). Sadly, my own parents are deceased and I have no other relatives. DH has one brother who lives at the other end of the country and who has issues with being out of work/getting divorced/alcoholism. His parents live locally to us, they are both 61 and retired, fit and well.
DH is the elder brother - the 'successful' one. He has a good job - we look for all the world like a family who are 'coping' and 'sorted', however, we are hanging in by the skin of our teeth and so desperate for help with the girls. They are lovely children, but both very verbal, bright and demanding (I wouldn't say spoilt - just always on the go and full of ideas - DD1 is on the gifted and talented thingy at school). The 4 year age gap means they demand very different things - the little one wants to play chase, the big one wants help with a jigsaw. We're always knackered. DD1 woke at 5am every day for the first 3 years (sometimes 4am) - we took it in turns to get up at 4-5am every day for that three years until she learned to read a clock. I don't think we have ever recovered. Our marriage isn't in a good state.
In the last 5.9 years, I can count on one hand the times my PILs have helped with the kids. They once took DD1 for a walk when DH rang them from work to tell them I was desperate for help (that was in 2006). They also took her out to feed the ducks on Easter Sunday last year because we had cooked lunch and this gave us chance to clear up the dishes afterwards. We moved house in January and they gave us half a day of help but this consisted of (literally) barricading DD2 into the dining room until she howled and howled, at which point MIL repeatedly told her she was 'naughty' (she wasn't - she had been barricaded into a room for hours). On the plus side, we got to move lots of boxes around the house, though they left at exactly 5pm to have their dinner in a local pub, as 5pm was the time they had agreed with each other to leave. They have never been alone with DD2, who is almost 2.
My in-laws are not very perceptive and even when I've tried to explain we need help, it seems to go over their head. They rarely visited until recently (FIL retired 5 years ago) when MIL retired from her part-time job and complained she didn't know how she would fill her time (FIL goes fishing and watches a lot of telly). She decided she would visit every Thursday. I work every other Thursday, which means she collects DD1 from school on the weeks I work. She brings sweets for both children but doesn't see DD2 as DD2 is at nursery that day. I do appreciate this help, but it's always felt more about filling MIL's time than helping us out. FIL rarely visits unless we are cooking him a meal, particularly if he thinks it will be a barbeque. When he does visit, he is totally disinterested in the kids but very interested in our telly because we have Sky TV and he doesn't. He pointedly visits if there's a football match he wants to see but is quite happy to sit alone in the sitting room with the door closed where the kids can't disturb him.
DH says his parents both grew up in emotionally cold households. He is disappointed by the lack of involvement (which hit him last December when they refused to come to DD1's nativity play because it was being held at 9.30am and they didn't want to get up so early) but accepts this is how they are. They are recently beginning to show some interest in DH's brother since he admitted being an alcoholic. In comparison, we seem fine. In reality, we are screaming. Not waving but drowning.
I would love not to have to do the bedtime thing, just once. I would love somebody else to make the kids' tea - just once. They are well behaved, in a good routine, go to bed at 7pm and always go straight to sleep. We have a babysitter we pay but obviously we can't stay the night anywhere. I worry we are heading for a divorce - we spend no time together, we pass the children like batons to juggle our work commitments, we spilt up all the time to give the children the attention they need (for example, one takes DD1 rollerskating, the other stays home with DD2 who still has a nap).
I have really begun to resent this situation. We have no life, no marriage. We are like zombies, two mates doing 24 hour on-call rotas looking after these children with no support whatsoever. I have begun to resent my in-laws, especially when they tell me of the increasingly bizarre ways they are finding of filling their time (most recently, travelling to random places and back via several modes of transport, just to fill their day and because it's free now they have a bus pass - they have a car too). DH was going to invite them for Easter but I've finally said no. I don't want to cook for them - we have them several times a year for sunday lunch and they usually repay the favour once (boxing day, cold meats and bread type thing). I'm so tired, I don't know where to turn.
Not good this, is it?
I feel so lonely and desperate for a break.
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Parenting
DH and I desperate for help/break from the kids (long)
bistokids · 16/04/2011 22:43
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Your ILs don't want to help. Its sad but nothing you can do.
As to rescuing your marriage you need to make the most of the time you have got. You say the kids go to bed at 7pm every night - well that gives you the evenings together for a start. And you get a babysitter for nights out? Um I'm not sure exactly how much more time you think other people get 
There is also plenty of activities you can do as a family together - parks, softplay, swimming.
You seem to feel hard done by but its a bit hard to see why.
It won't always feel like this. Your youngest DD is still little and I imagine hard work. Most kids are at that age. I agree, concentrate on the good things and focus on even little things that would help.
I would also say never live your life in a state of "expectation'. By that I mean expecting how others should act/behave. IME it only leads to disappointment and frustration. 
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