Dealing with a very over sensitive worrier

[leothelioness]

DS is 7 and has been a worrier since he was a toddler, he gets really stressed and upset quickly e.g. went to put the bins out the other day, I was around the side of the house when a neighbour came out and we chatted for about 5 minutes I came back in and he was at the door in tears saying "I didn't know where you were, I thought you were lost" I had told him before I went out where I was going.

He worries about all sorts of random things, if he wakes early at the weekend he will not go down and watch TV or get some cereal on his own unless DH or I go with him or go upstairs alone if it is dark even if the stair light is on.
He worries about dying (him or any of the family) to the point that he has been in bed crying about it
I have tried explaining things to him but am at a loss as to how to make him less anxious.

[Piccadilly]

Always be there for him. Give him all the hand-holding he needs. Stand by him. Accept him as he is. Love him unconditionally and prove it to him (try "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn). Don´t try to "make him less anxious", just try to support him as completely as you can as he is. But, I´m sure your explaining things to him as you say, is the best thing you can do. It´s most important that he feels he can communicate his fears to you and will be taken seriously, so the listening that you´re doing and the explaining will be important.

[Piccadilly]

What I should have said too is that it´s important that he doesn´t feel there´s something "wrong with him" because of his anxiety. He is a child with lots of characteristics, strengths and weaknesses. It just happens that he is anxious often. But that doesn´t define him and - as if I hadn´t already written it (!) - show him that he´s ok just as he is now! :o

[leothelioness]

Thanks Piccadilly, I do try to listen and explain but sometimes it does not seem enough to alleviate his anxiousness. He is such a lovely caring little boy that it breaks my heart when he becomes so stressed about things.

[eatyourveg]

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 we used this when ds2 was younger. Its like a workbook that you do together

[leothelioness]

Thanks eatyourveg that book looks really good.

[Enchantica]

Hi there, I don't have kids but I can speak from experience of being one of those oversensitive worriers. I worried about death since I was about 5 years old and it got worse when I was a teenager (to the point I was crying every other night about death). I still to this day worry about it at times. I have difficult anxiety and through the years I have had to find my own ways to cope. Is he worse at night?

I found distraction was key to the death issue, and still is. There is never going to be a clear cut answer to give him because none of us really know what happens after we die. If he has started thinking about it when he is alone at night in bed (when scary thoughts sometimes take over) then perhaps a little bit of soothing music or a story on cd before bed could help. Also reassuring him that he is not alone may help when he is older, that there will always be a support network out there because we all lose someone we love and it's one thing we as humans all have in common. There is also a book: www.amazon.co.uk/Badgers-Parting-Gifts-Susan-Varley/dp/0862640628/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1300990161&sr=8-2&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 which I have been told is good about explaining death.

He seems to be clinging to you a bit, like he is so afraid to lose you. Does he do things with other children? Have many friends? Pushing him to do a few things like sports clubs or art clubs could help? You aren't there with him but you are there to come home to or pick him up.

It's not easy when you feel consumed by these scary thoughts. I found it hardest at night and found that having a boyfriend helped immensely when they stayed over because they were a distraction and I could talk to them when I was worried. My fiance has to put up with my problems now :p I know your son may be a little young for a relationship though :p

Have you heard of worry dolls? You tell them your worries and put them in your bag and in a way they do help because you voice your worries and somehow they seem smaller afterwards.

[Enchantica]

*you put the worry dolls in their bag, not your bag, sorry I'm tired!

[leothelioness]

Enchantica thank you for a lovely and informative post.
He already does quite a bit of extra carriculat stuff. Sports club, drama, swimming and chess so I don't think I can add any more. he has friends but not any best friends he seems to get along with all his classmates too.

I agree he is too young for a relationship yet but will try to talk to him more about his worries too, he does cling to me but I cannot think of any reason why he would be worried I would leave, as I am his primary carer so am there most of the time but I have been away for a week of so before.

[Haggisfish]

I would also say, as one of those worriers, try not to let him watch any tv programmes/films/read books that might worry him more - anything with murders is out for me, along with most medical programmes and now definitely Stephen king! I remember being very upset by Angels when younger (a nurses programme) and by the Adam and Eve story at Sunday School (if evil Eve hadn't eaten the apple, none of us would have to die etc).