please and thank-you - how to crack it?

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

dd is only just 4, and a fairly placid and easy going child. however she does not say please/thank-you without being nagged and prompted. i feel she should be doing it more often than not without a reminder - is this a reasonable expectation? and how do you drum it into them? i have had a good think about how we communicate at home and i honestly believe we are modeling appropriate manners....

[TheVisitor]

Just keep it up, and never hand over without the please or thank you. It's normal for them to try not to say it. They get it eventually.

[mrsravelstein]

agree with thevisitor, you just have to keep saying 'how do you ask nicely?' for a please, and 'and what do you say now?' for a thank you each time until they start getting it. it's well worth it, as it does eventually become habit (and by the time they're 8 ish, other parents will thank you for instilling good manners when your kids visit...)

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

ooh, thanks, i'm quite relieved this is normal at her age. but not looking forward to years more of carping.....

[IslaValargeone]

What TheVisitor said.

[KnickersOnOnesHead]

My dc's have had it drilled into them that they get nothing without a please or a thank you.

You just have to be consistent.

[ChristinedePizan]

Keep going. My DS has cracked the thank yous but is still rubbish with his pleases. So he gets nothing unless he asks nicely (and I mean actually rephrasing the question, not just tagging please onto the end of a demand)

[redstripeyelephant]

Do you say please and thank you to her? I always make a point of asking DD to do things like 'can you put your shoes on please' etc or getting her to pass me things for the baby and saying thank you. Not that she's a shining example though, I still spend my life saying 'can you ask me nicely?' And 'don't say what, say pardon'!

[spiralqueen]

DD's just 3 and we try to make sure we use please and thankyou ourselves and don't hand things over until we've had a thank you. She is steadily increasing how often she says it, I think it is a case of just endless repetition and consistency.

[Mercedes519]

But watch out for asking "What's the magic word?" as I reminded 3 yo DS AGAIN to be polite.

"Abracadabra"

[Dancergirl]

I think your expectations are too high tbh. She's only just 4, most children need prompting/reminding. Even my (much older) children need reminding sometimes!

Sounds like you are doing the right thing anyway - children learn by example. So if you always have good manners, chances are your child will copy. Not just at home but out and about - please/thank you, holding doors open for people, giving up your seat for elderly etc.....children notice all this. I don't worry too much if I sometimes have to remind my children to say please and thank you - I know they are generally well-mannered.

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

dancer, i am happy to hear my expectations are a bit high . we'll carry on as we are.

[thinkingkindly]

It was a natural process for my kids - I thought they were just copying me until I realised they were being trained beautifully by the nursery.

Actually I don't insist that my children say please and thank you al the time at home - the most important thing for me is that their tone of voice is polite and that they are appreciative. I do remind them to thank people for gifts, drinks, having them over etc though.

[thisisyesterday]

I have never insisted that my children say please and thank you

but I always say it myself, when talking to anyone including them. as does DP and the rest of my family

so they've just picked it up naturally.

I will occasionally remind ds1 to say it (he is 6). for example when he was really excited at his party and it was getting forgotten but it was just a "what do you say?" and he said it straight away

so, my top tip is just model it. if you always say it they will copy you and it'll just be the way it is

[Cat98]

agree with thisisyesterday.

I don't always think forcing a "magic word" is the way to go tbh. For example I'd rather my child said in a nice voice "may I have a biscuit?" than barking "biscuit, please"!

[Greythorne]

I don't prompt. But I don't hand over the biscuit / turn on the telly / help them with finding a felt tip pen / whatever until I get a please. This approach works very quickly with my lot! I am relentless, to the point where a (grown up) friend told me I was "really hardcore" about manners. She's right. I am. With my children and other people's.

[KnickersOnOnesHead]

Dancer, sorry but I have to agree with your comment of ''I think your expectations are too high tbh. She's only just 4, most children need prompting/reminding. ''

[KnickersOnOnesHead]

*Disagree