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getting divorced, want to move, my husband says he will stop me.........

(64 Posts)
ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 20:36:59

Hi Everyone, really need some advice (without judging me please)

I had an affair after years and years of my husband working away from home for months on end, despite me begging him not to. It took its toll when we had our baby, and after a year of rearing our baby alone, my husband would refuse to come home more (even though he could at any point, he is self employed, we were comfortable so it was not for money either) i met a man who is everything i ever wanted.
I told my husband everything and we decided to get divorced but remain friends for sake of our son. My husband made me move out of our home cos i was now only working part time since having our baby, and could not afford to pay half mortgage. We have always pooled our cash and paid all bills from account and spent what was left.
I rented somewhere local to our home and my husband continued to work away (about 2 and a half hours drive away). To be fair, he manages to come back once a week and has our son from 10am to 6pm (his choice, i have made it clear he can have him whenever he wants). he has since rented out our house, and he has no other family in this area.
My new man wants me to move to scotland to live with him. He is a good man, has nice house, good decent family. It goes against all his morals to be involved with me cos i am a married woman until divorce is finalised, but he loves me and thats what it boils down to.
I am a lonely single mum living in a rented house and i really feel if we move to scotland, it would be in my sons best interests as well as mine, we can have a family life at last, and i would be so happy to be with a man that actually enjoys my company and loves me totally.
I would do everything i could to ensure my husband maintains his access to our son, meeting him half way, or collecting if he picks up etc.
My husband has no fixed address, he lives in a mobile home near his work place that his contract is with, not a suitable place for a child, and my husband agrees. Which is the reason why he doesnt have our son overnight just yet.
My husband is adament that i cant take our son to scotland, and if i try to, he says he will come and take him off me and fight me through every court.
I would be happy for husband to have him every weekend, or every other weekend, whatever he wants, as long as he has somewhere proper to have him.
At the moment, he picks up from my new house and takes him out for the day.
My new man wants my divorce finalised before i move, but i think getting all this sorted as part of divorce may save a lot of time, money and emotion?
Its a mess. can my husband stop me moving to scotland? Home for me and my son is cheshire, my husband lives and works in birmingham. But his job can take him anywhere in the world at a moments notice.
I am sick of being unhappy and want to grab this chance of happiness. Please help!
thank you x

GypsyMoth Sun 19-Dec-10 20:43:42

yes,he could file for a prohibited steps order very easily

and not sure,but scotland may be out of jurisdiction too

his contact woul,in reality,stop. wouldn't it? as he has nowhere to take your ds. how is this fair on either of them??

TheBrandyButterflyEffect Sun 19-Dec-10 20:44:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 20:54:18

my husband has no where to take our son as it stands at the moment.
occasionally i let him come into new house, to put son to bed or bath him, but he starts snooping around my house and asking how much this or that costs, or starts an argument, and dont want our son to see that. He can also be rather threatening too, like a black cloud coming into my home. Our son is 22 months old. My husband could very easily work nearby but chooses to work away, and is in no rush to get a house where he can have our son to stay.
So if i did move, and meet husband half way, its still their normal day out? I am trying to get on with husband, but he is still (understandably( angry and makes life rather diffult at times, despite me trying to be fair and nice.

GypsyMoth Sun 19-Dec-10 21:05:32

its not going to stay that way tho,is it? you really wont want to be tied to travelling to strange place each week,then hang about all day whilst he has his access.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 21:27:21

i would hope by the time i am ready to move, he will have sorted a proper home for himself, so its a case of meeting half way or collecting, he has to drive 2 and a half hours as it is to see his son for the day so its no big difference? The big difference is something i cant control - its him getting a proper house so his son can stay at weekends, thats what needs to happen. I really would do everything i could to maintain their relationship.
my husband lives and works 2 and a half hours away from me and our son, so its not like they see each other everyday. why should i live my life in an area that my husband does not even live in, just to keep him happy?

PurpleKate Sun 19-Dec-10 22:34:09

But this isn't about keeping your husband happy. Its about ensuring that your ds can see his father regularly so that they (DS) can have a proper relationship.

If I was in your husband's position I wouldn't be happy about you potentially taking your DS so far away either. Yes I understand that he seems to spend most of his time 2.5 hours away now. But you could potentially be moving 10 hours away (thinking of northern Scotland here) - which doesn't seem that reasonable to me.

proudmummyof1 Sun 19-Dec-10 22:37:33

ninja mummy, your story is something very close to my heart. I did something similar but the other way around, Scotland to North Wales in January. My husband also worked away, mainly in Southend and London for the first 4 years of our childs life and came back home most weekends, he contracts and can work anywhere in the country but was insistent on living in Scotland as that was where he was from. My husband became very threatening after we decided to separate and I ended up leaving with a bag and going to court the next day in Wales for an emergency residency order. The laws in Scotland are very different to England/Wales and what I did is not to be recommended but was done out of necessity. Anyway to cut a long story short, I am now back with my family in Wales, my daughter has her grandparents and cousins close by, she is very happy and settled here. Her father makes a lot more effort now to spend time with her and comes down every other weekend, has her for half of the holidays and communicates regularly by skype and phone. He stays in the same serviced apartment every visit for continuity and it is a very home from home environment, they do not have to be out all day and do baking and craft etc. things he never did with her when we lived together. He has recently acknowledged that she has a better life now and is considering moving closer to us to become more involved. She adores her daddy and I will do everything now and in the future to maintain this relationship. My situation is different as there was nobody else involved and I had been with my husband for 19 years, I needed the support of my family when my marriage broke down and moved closer to them, not further away. I wish you luck in whatever you decide and would advise you to take advice from a Scottish Solicitor before making any decisions. My daughter has and always has been my priority and despite how hard this has been at times her happiness and contentment in her new wilfe makes it all worthwhile almost 12 months on.

Truckulent Sun 19-Dec-10 22:39:45

Couldn't your new DP move to your house?

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 22:42:58

it would be 3 and a half hours away from my home right now.

I would drive my ds to my husband if needs be, or hoping a meet half way for both of us could be arranged.

My parents alsolive nearby to me right now, and they would happily get involved with occaisonally meeting me to collect my ds and then my husband can collect from their house.
i know its the right move for my son. He will be part of this fab family my new man has, they are all lovely and ace with him. My new man will not only love us, make us happy and secure which is what is most important but he would also look after us financially too. Its a struggle at the moment on my own,so it would give me that piece of mind too. I just feel lucky to have the lovely man who loves me just as much as i love him, and he wants me and my son to be part of his life.

cariboo Sun 19-Dec-10 22:42:59


(there is now a topic specifically for divorce)

maktaitai Sun 19-Dec-10 22:45:05

I'm sorry, if I were in your husband's position I would be so devastated, I can't really see this one from your POV. I always go a bit cold when I hear about one side of a previous partnership moving, I feel it is a potential deathknell for the relationship with the absent parent, though sometimes obviously it is the only way.

Is there any chance of your new man moving down from Scotland to be with you? And - sorry to be brutal - if not, why not?

On the other hand, I think your xh does need to think about a better place, as he is less likely to need to come into your house. What are the chances of him affording a rented place soon?

wannabeglam Sun 19-Dec-10 22:45:48

How well do you know this guy who lives in Scotland? How often do you see him? Is it really the right move for you and your son, or do you think he's a rebound from an unhappy marriage? It's all very well him saying it's against his principles, but he has had the affair. I'd think long and hard before uprooting yourself. You don't want to jump from one wrong relationship to another.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 23:10:25

no he cant move here, have talked about it. He has his own business up there, and has just got himself established

would make more sense in other ways, my new man has 2 sons he regularly visits in manchester, which isnt that far from my home.

i only work part time so money would be an issue until he got work here or set up again, i would love it, but its not an option unless i win the lottery

i want my son to have good relationship with his daddy, i do everything to encourage that now, and i would continue that. I love my son and i want to have a happy secure home for him, i dont feel like i have that right now, and it troubles me.

GypsyMoth Sun 19-Dec-10 23:11:45

where are your husbands parents based?

cos you're actually moving away from your parents as no better quality of life for your ds in scotland at all....just for you!

this new man may not follow through with all of these big promises....there is no guarantee. and with maintenence payments,your husband may not be able to afford both a suitable house for access visits. or even to travel halfway.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 23:23:10

how can i be moving away when its my husband who works away and he could potentially move or go anywhere in uk, ireland and rest of europe for work?
he has no fixed address now he has booted me out of the marital home and rented it out through agency (its a joint mortgage), while i am living in rented house with our son?
So with this in mind, i dont see why i should stay around here, there is nothing for me here anymore.
If my husband had moved back to this area, then i probably wouldnt consider moving to scotland, but he hasnt.
He sometimes calls on a fri to say cant see our son tomorrow as planned cos he has to work. He changed a lot of plans, but i always go with it cos i want him to spend as much time as poss with our son. Having him in my new home makes me so uncomfortable, but i encourage it cos its the best for our son.

He could afford a place now, he is on good money, but he doesnt see why he should cos its free digs and handy for work!

known my new man for years (as a friend), he is not a rebound, i am upside down, spin around in love with him.

and cariboo - this is a parenting issue, i am not asking questions about my divorce.

i appreciate all comments, keep them coming, its helping me consider all options before i do anything and that helps. even justifying myself and my reasons is helping

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 23:28:07

his parents and rest of family live in ireland. he does not see them much (been that way since he was born, they dont bother much even when we would take our ds over).
my ds would still see my parents, they could come to us or we could go to them, its only scotland not america.
my husband (and his family) are welcome to have
him whenever they want. But they dont seem to take me up on that.

proudmummyof1 Sun 19-Dec-10 23:33:31

You havent said how long you have known each other? Personally I would never have moved my daughter away from her grandparents, I moved closer for their support. My grandparents were a great influence on me growing up and were a very important part of my life, my 1 remaining nan loves spending time with her great grandaughter as do my parents - obviously I understand that not all families such good relationships. Seeing what you have written, surely for his relationship with his kids and your childs relationship with his dad it would be better to stay down here and him move here. I understand what you say about his business, but if he is self employed he can build up his business anywhere in the country. I am much happier after my move but it has been very tough and lonely at times. I had under estimated how much I missed the town I lived in, my friends and my job, I still miss it a lot. Life in Scotland was very different to where I live now, a whole different world. I lived there for 17 years and was always an outsider to my husbands family and never totally accepted, despite them welcoming me at first.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Sun 19-Dec-10 23:35:16

"i am upside down, spin around in love with him"

that sounds like the biggest load of tripe i have ever heard. sorry but what age are you? 14?

if I was your husband i would put all steps in place to make sure i could see as much of my son as possible. tbh, if it was my partner who was planning on moving to scotland to be with a new love i would be wishing them well and applying for full residency of my child.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 23:39:49

its hard to decide what to do, a dilemma.
my parents help me with ds, but make it clear that they want their own life too.
i dont have many friends i can call on for help with ds, they dont have children themselves and i have fell out of the loop gradually since having a baby and not going out.
i am lonely here. i really feel life would be better, with someone i love and loves me, wherever that may be.

proudmummyof1 Sun 19-Dec-10 23:41:15

Just seen your other message re his family and feel that you are giving up a lot to be with him as you will have no support from his family up in Scotland. If it is only his business keeping him there it feels to me that he is being very selfish in expecting you to make the move and disrupt your son, his father and make these relationships harder in the future. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and isnt what you want to hear but I've been there and know what I'm talking about. My parents are getting older and have been making the journey to Scotland for many years, it was getting much harder for them as time went on and was much harder in the winter due to the weather. I did what I did out of desperation and thankfully my ex now understands this. It is important that any man I gert involved with in the future understands that my daughter comes first and that if he has kids, I would expect him to be a great dad to them too.

ninjamummy Sun 19-Dec-10 23:43:20

biggest load of tripe? ? ?
no i am 35 and i am in love for the first time in my life and i am happy.

what age are you? 60? Lighten up!
dont know what tbh is. sorry.
and if you read the thread correctly, you will see that i am putting in place steps to make sure my husband sees his son.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Sun 19-Dec-10 23:45:55

ha I'm 24 and old enough to know that "upside down, spin around in love" never lasts". but hey it's your life. make your own mistakes.

TrailMix Sun 19-Dec-10 23:46:46

I think you should be able to move if you'd like to and if you think it will help you build a new home for yourself and your DS. You are committed to maintaining the best possible contact between DS and DH - as you should be - and given that your DH has no fixed address, I fail to see why you should stay put. Your DS's best interests can be served in either location.

See a lawyer to help sort out the move.

Truckulent Sun 19-Dec-10 23:47:08

Don't you think you could be changing one lonely situation for potentially another one? Do you know why your new DP split up with his ex?

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