Baby blues?

[habzamaphone]

DS was born on the 10th December, and over the past few days I've started to feel progressively more sad and unable to cope.

Midwife says he's a very contented baby and that I'm doing a brilliant job, but during the night when I'm on my own (DH works shifts) I've wished that I didn't have him and that he would be better off with another mum. Of course, I feel horribly guilty for even thinking this, which makes me feel even worse.

I have no doubts that I love him. Right now he's lying in a moses basket a foot away and all I want to do is give him a cuddle. It's just I feel so trapped and so helpless. My mum has just gone home after being here a week, and I just don't know how I'm going to manage without her.

Can someone please tell me that these feelings are going to pass and that I'm not alone in this? I feel like such a horrible mum, especially as I've been desperate to have a baby with DH for several years, and now I've got him, I feel like everything has changed and I'll never feel normal again.

[emmyloo2]

Jesus I could have written this myself. I had my baby boy on 25th November and feel completely overwhelmed and am wishing I had never had him which is just the most awful feeling. I just find it so exhausting and I feel like I never have a break. My baby is also contented and calm but I am finding the constant feeding, changing and settling so tiring. I just wish I could have my old life back, yet like you, I love him a lot. I love the cuddles but the last two days he has napped during the day only for 40 minutes at a time before wanting a feed again. Ugh. My Mum also left last week and I am finding it very hard.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Everyone I speak to says it does get easier so I am just hoping this is true. Hopefully there will be someone along who can offer some hope for us both!!

[Scherbatsky]

Are you still under the MW or have you been signed off? If you are I would ask for a visit to discuss your feelings, hopefully this will just pass (feeling overwhelmed is totally normal) but incase it doesn't and you have PND then you should get some advice and maybe go to the GP later if needed?

I had baby blues but they passed, worse with my second actually, I really didn't have a clue how I was going to cope (just under 15 months between DD and DS, no family to help etc). Over the weeks it faded though. I'd say the good thing is that you feel love for your baby, I didn't even particularly like my DS for a few weeks which sounds crazy now.

Having a baby is a real shock, even if it was much longed for, it does take time to adjust, it is a massive, massive thing. Be kind to yourself

[AMumInScotland]

Don't worry - between the hormones and the realisation that you're now totally responsible for this new little life, I reckon it would be more surprising if new mums didn't feel out of their depth and emotional at this stage. Be kind to yourselves, and don't expect to get back to "normal", or even a new version of normal in a hurry. just take each day as it comes and it will star to feel less overwhelming I promise.

I'm sure people will be on soon who can give you more recent stories, and maybe tell you what started to make things easier for them (eben if that was just time!) - my DS is now 17 and I can still remember the utter devastation of being alone with him and feeling that I would never have a clue what I was doing. It does pass, honest!

[chocolatepuff]

i totally sympathise. my dd is now 16months but i remember those early months and they were just so dark for me. the night time- i know what you mean, i felt totally alone -it really emphasized how massive and overwhelming it all was. i loved her but regretted her, which consumes you with guilt and keeps you feeling low.

i promise you it gets easier. for me, it took facing up to the fact that i wasnt coping, getting some counselling and cbt, being open and honest about it with close family and friends, starting a course of anti-depressants, and attending a post natal depression group where i met like-minded women -it really helps to meet other mums who think 'isnt this shit' as opposed to the usual 'isnt this all wonderful!' crap that some people lie about!

im not suggesting you need all or any of the above help that i had, but i think the one piece of advice i would give you is FORGIVE YOURSELF for not enjoying it right now. its more normal than you think. and i promise it will change, it will, get easier and you will start to enjoy it. just get rid of those 'should's' in your head! (i.e. i should be happier)

xx

[NineLadiesDancingThroughLife]

Firstly, congratulations on your lovely new DS

This could have been me 6 months ago when DH went back to work. Not shifts, but the shock of being on my own all day really took me by surprise.

I was also surprised at how long I felt like it for. I expected it to all be over in the first week - the books all say you feel weepy after a few days. I thought it would just go away again, which it did but about 4-5 weeks later. The HV was so good, and said it was totally normal to cry (or want to) every day. She said that if I could see myself not crying at some point in the future then I was ok. I guess if you know that if, in half an hour, he needs you for something and you can do it (cuddle, feed, nappy change or funny face) then you'll be able to cope with whatever he might throw at you.

It will pass, but don't put pressure on yourself. It's a massive shock to the system - even if you wanted it more than anything else, the reality is something you could never prepare for.

[habzamaphone]

Thank you for all your responses. It really is helpful to know that I'm not alone feeling like this.

I feel a lot better for just getting it out of my brain and sharing my feelings with others. I'm feeling more confident now that everything will be okay, and that we will cope.

I think the lack of sleep is the biggest battle at the moment.

[Laurtopsy]

I'm in a similar situation. DD2 was born November 28th and I've been coping with sleep deprivation due to acute anxiety which could be linked to PND (the midwives and HV are still conferring on this) and due to this it means I can't settle. I can barely sleep even when I'm tired, I have to force myself to eat as I have no appetite, some days I feel like locking myself in the bedroom and crying for hours because I feel so overwhelmed, I'm snapping at DF for no reason even though he's incredibly supportive and hands on with both DD1 and DD2 and sometimes I feel like the worst mum in the world to both of my girls and feel like they would be better off with someone else who could provide for them and look after them. Of course, I'd never ever give them up. I love them far too much and I don't doubt my ability to parent them both usually but some days, you know?

I think you need to sit down and talk to either your midwife or your health visitor. Even if they don't think it's a cause for concern right now, in my experience they have some excellent advice to dispense and helplines and groups that may help if you're willing to try them.

I had PND with DD1 and while I was offered medication I chose to abstain and help myself. I managed pretty well and got over the hurdles with the support of DF and the love I had for my daughter but it's definitely a hard road and you need some support whether it's from your partner, a family member or someone not emotionally involved.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Good luck.

[Oscalito]

God, this all sounds like me today. I'm at home with DS1 who is three weeks today, and it has not been a good day at all. I find the weekends so much easier when there is someone else there to just hold the baby so I can go to the loo or have a bath, and somehow having someone else around makes the house feel more like a home.

But last night I hardly any sleep and today he's barely slept (although he's dropped off now) and I've spent the entire day unable to put him down as he screams blue murder. Couldn't get out of the house before it got dark and it just felt like the walls were closing in on me. I've also been looking at him today and thinking, what on earth have I done? I don't really feel as if I love him yet - he just seems so unsettled and frantic and hungry all the time, and although I can feed him and that makes a difference it's hard to feel any sort of a connection to such a tiny little person who doesn't really seem that happy to be here.

I'm going to try and get out tomorrow, that was the mistake today.

Anyway I hope everyone else at this stage has a better day tomorrow. I think the cold and darkness doesn't really help, it would be so much better if I could go to a park or something.... thanks for listening, really needed to unload!

[lainey1981]

Hi all,

So glad I found this thread, was beginning to think I was going slightly mad or heading towards PND and it is scaring me.

MY DS1 is 3 weeks today (snap oscalito) and some days just feel totally overwhelmed by everything. I have this feeling in my chest that I can't explain but it invariably builds up til I am crying inconsolably for an age.
I have given up BFing as we had so many issues which made me but now that am in control of the feeding things feel better

I have had moments when I have cried to DP saying I don't want to be DS's mum, that I can't do it etc which I feel horrible about as I do love DS just feel like I don't know what I'm doing when he's crying and I can't make him stop.

DP is on holiday for 3 weeks now, but am scared about how I will cope when he goes back to work. Right now things feel bearable, but that's cos DP is feeding him and i have company.

I have only had 2 lots of visitors sine DS was born and feel very isolated. I haven't left the house since last Tuesday, mainly due to the weather, but also cos not sure I know what to do with myself.

OP, sorry for waffling, just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and rightly or wrongly it seems 'normal'? for us to feel a bit like this.

Here's to hoping that in the next few weeks, things get better for all of us

x

[waffle3]

Yes i felt like this too. My DS was born 8 weeks ago 4 weeks early finished work 2 days before he was born so never had any relaxing time before.
Also moved just before he was born.
I'am starting to feel better now Doc thought i may have Pnd as i went to see him when he was 2 weeks old. I felt distanced from my baby, Snappy at hubby, Overwhelmed and felt that my Ds would have been better with another mum as i felt he wasnt happy.
All of these feelings were just hormonal and due to sleep deprevation.

He is happy he is just a 'high need' baby so he needs alot of attention. But he has been alot happier over the last few days.
I've had a few break throughs which is so satisfying to know he is doing well and is content.

My love for DS has also grown i didnt have the rush of love like some describe. I knew i loved him though.

Things will get better for you. It sounds as though u are doing great! I panicked when Hubby went back to work. But you will find a routine of your own.

Take care and dont be too hard on urself like i was!!
x