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please help me help my son ;(

(21 Posts)
cheeryface Tue 07-Dec-10 21:06:39

i have posted already about the trouble ds2 is having at school the most recent being a boy punching him in the face. hes just started secondary and hes 11

his behaviour at home has really suffered through all this and it has now become really worrying.

he has been off school for a week now as i kept him away until the school resolved the latest issue . i have been really disapointed with the school and the soonest they can see me is Thursday 10 days after the incident and they have promised to call back every day of that and not done.

but, ds2 has seemed much happier being at home this week until today. i dont know what triggered it but he seemed to get up in a bad mood and things went from bad to worse.

he has been saying that he wants to die, asking me to please kill him . saying that he is bad and the devil is in him making him be bad. i said 'but you have been laughing and happy all week at home ' and he said that he might look happy on the outside but hes not inside. that he can keep it down sometimes but then it just comes up and up and spills out (his words)

after trying to talk to him about school and everything he said hes seen people get beat up at school and people say things that are horrible and you would never want to hear. that hes been offered cigarettes etc
that it sticks in his mind and wont go away.
that hes not normal and i dont know whats in his head.that he hates his life. that he deserved to be punched .

a similar outburst happened about 2 weeks ago.

i dont know whther he has mental health problems and that is why school is going badly or whether school has caused all this.

he has gone from this kind of behaviour to running me a bath and hugging me and things all day.

i am exhausted with it and i have no idea what to do.

at school hes got no friends , had kids calling him names and another one punched him.
hes told me lie after lie about whats really going on. but i know he cant cope with school and i am terrified of what is going to happen to him.
school are saying i need to get him back in and we need to meet.
i ahve already met with them once and nothing got any better.

please help i cant stop crying myself today .

homeboys Tue 07-Dec-10 21:11:13

Message withdrawn

homeboys Tue 07-Dec-10 21:11:31

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WhatsWrongWithYou Tue 07-Dec-10 21:16:10

Oh how dreadful. I'm not surprised your DS has been saying odd things; being constantly under mental and physical attack like that would send anyone's head in a spin, let alone an unformed developing child's.

It sounds as if you've been doing all you can with the school but they're not reciprocating; have you looked in to the possibility of moving him? I really could not leave a child of mine in a hostile environment and have him exposed to things which are clearly haunting him like you say.

So many threads like this at the moment - so much needless misery. By all means meet with the school (who knows when that will be?) but don't count on them making anything better as it doesn't sound hopeful does it?

Lots of posters have experience of moving their DCs because of bullying, hopefully some will come along.

thisisyesterday Tue 07-Dec-10 21:19:29

i would NOT send him back there. not now, not ever.

if you're worried that it is more than just the school issues then ask him if he can talk to the GP about what is bothering him. If he is feeling this bad then it may help him to speak to a counsellor or someone who is trained in helping children with problems like this- in fact, if he is willing i would do this anyway

then look into alternative schools
is it possible for you to home educate until you find somewhere you like?

thisisyesterday Tue 07-Dec-10 21:20:44

i think it's good by the way, that he can talk to you about this

i was hideously bullied all through secondary school and never told my parents

cheeryface Tue 07-Dec-10 21:33:36

tbh it takes me alot of probing to get it out of him . could i tell school that hes ill ? so far they keep telling me i am keeping him home unauthorised.

i am scared of making things worse for him by keeping him home any longer, in case its harder for him to get back into school or i am then un able to make him go.
i would do anything , even HE if it was right for him.

i am also concerned that if i HE he will refuse to do any work with me as his behaviour is now difficult to say the least. hes cheeky and over stepping the mark alot.
what would i do then ?
the only other school is full, i phoned the other day.
but, if hes not coping with this secondary i have a feeling he wont cope with others.
dont know which way to turn

school just seem hellbent on making sure hes attending. they said they have experience of these problems and we can discuss on thursday but i am v sceptical there.

if this was your son what would you say to the school on Thursday ?

ffried Tue 07-Dec-10 21:33:49

i think switch schools if possible if not you mabye should make friends with the other mums, talk to them get them on your side invite them round for playdates where both of you are there, it must be the most horrible time for you and your son but take control if the school won't help you get him counselling on the side, anything to build his confidence and you make friends and get busy with the mums
good luck x

thisisyesterday Tue 07-Dec-10 21:44:45

i would read up on HE, ask on here, there are a lot of people who do it who could offer advice

I suspect his behaviour with you may well be symptomatic of the stress he is experiencing at school.
Children find it hard to express themselves and can do so by showing you (with their behaviour) that something is wrong.

ask him what he would like?

thisisyesterday Tue 07-Dec-10 21:47:41

sorry, on Thursday I would inform them that if they cannot guarantee his safety in the schoool (mentally as well as physically) then he will not be returning until they can.

I suspect though, that they won't be able to, so you may have to make a decision re: HE before then.

I believe that you can just inform them that you are now home educating, and you fcan do it for as little or as long as you like. The only downside of course being that if you wanted hijm to go back to that particular school they may no longer have a place

cheeryface Thu 09-Dec-10 21:08:50

the meeting went very badly. The head of year was very aggressive towards me, he wouldnt accept there was any bullying going on . He cut me off every single time i tried to explain anything. after about the 5th time i looked at the other teacher who was there saying nothing the whole time and said 'please ,you can see that he wont let me say anything cant you' but of course she didnt back me. and he then said i was being aggressive.

All he could keep telling me was how concerning ds2 was, that they were going to assess him some more , observe him some more and that he might have aspergers!

i was shocked .

i was told his primary school and the nurse have been contacted. they havent, a lie , i called in the old school and ds2 old head couldnt believe it.

i was asked where the evidence was for the absence attacks (petit mal) that ds2 has as though id just made that up.

i was told that ds2 was misbehaving in lessons by not doing any work and shouted down when i said that was a child being unhappy and lost not a naughty child.

i said i had seen for myself the spitting , and i was told that wasnt true, that doesnt happen.

i was told that even with a doctors letter to say ds2 is suffering from stress it will still go down as unauthorized.

and trying to have him deal with the punch in the face incident was pathetic, apparently because ds2 had initially reported it to another teacher, it was him that would have to deal with it and this head of year therefore couldnt comment or tell me anything about it...useless!

i burst into tears when i got out into reception.

JamieLeeCurtis Thu 09-Dec-10 21:50:21

You poor poor thing.

After your fist post I was going to say - My DS was bullied and started to say similar things about himself. The school was brilliant and I also sought help for him from the GP - who referred him to CAMHS.

But following your second post I think you need to seriously consider moving him. Actually, scrap that - you need to move him. They are totally and utterly unsympathetic. Awful.

There's another thread I'll link to with some brilliant advice.

JamieLeeCurtis Thu 09-Dec-10 21:51:44

Advice about Moving schools

JamieLeeCurtis Thu 09-Dec-10 21:53:26

On the thread linked to above, look particularly at page 14

MrsWeasley Thu 09-Dec-10 22:00:39

cheeryface: my DD used to say similar things when she was 10/11 years old and I asked to speak to the nurse associated to our school who arranged for my DD to see a member of the Mental Health team to discuss ways to help DD feel more positive. Perhaps you could try that.

As for the way you are being treated by the school I would write to the governers and complain.

JamieLeeCurtis Thu 09-Dec-10 22:03:37

I would also make an appointment to see the GP first thing tomorrow, tell them everything your son is saying.

My son used to talk about wanting to kill himself, wanting to die, saying "kill me". It doesn't necessarily mean he has any intentions of doing anything, or even that he knows what that truly means, but it IS a sign of deep distress and they will take it seriously. Your poor little boy sad

kalo12 Thu 09-Dec-10 22:08:26

you need to move him, you need to make a complaint to the local authority about the school and this teacher. the full school will have to take him if you can't send him to that school. it will not be unauthorised absence with a doctors note. do not send your child back to that school

matildarosepink Thu 09-Dec-10 22:12:52

Suggest a written formal complaint about the head of year, copying in the man himself, the head and the head of governors. That'll keep 'em quiet for a while.

But more importantly, there seems to be no pastoral care in place to protect and support your son at this school, and it's worth mentioning this in your letter. Does the school have a counsellor? If so, get in touch with them. If not, go to your GP and ask for the appropriate referral route to get your son some immediate help.

Look on the home ed websites, they are a mine of helpful information. You have every legal right to take him out in the short term, but you equally have every right to insist the school do more about this, and if the head of year won't help, someone senior in rank to him may be obliged to. I think this is disgusting, and if you're required to go to anymore meetings to resolve things, take someone with you! Also, you could request the presence of one of the governors or the headteacher.

Good luck, and if your son seems open to it, ask him what he'd like you to do too. It may help turn things round for him a little if he's involved in the process of resolving things. Otherwise it's just a load of adults shouting at each other over his head (although, of course, you seem to be the only one listening to him..)

CharlieBoo Fri 10-Dec-10 12:06:55

You poor thing!!! You really need to find another school... The way the head of year spoke to you is disgusting... If they can speak to you like that imagine what they'll be speaking to your son like.

It will not be unauthorised abcense with a drs note. Tell them you are considering moving him and emotionally he is not ready to come back to school. There is no support system for him there.

Big hugs.... A friend of mine pulled her son out of a very highly regarded secondary school for bullying. They didn't want to help.... There's no bullying at our school was the response. Sounds a similar thing. Her son has excelled at a new school. Don't give up

Clockspotter Fri 10-Dec-10 13:38:58

Hi Cheeryface,

I don't know how this has progressed for you but I just wanted to pick up on another aspect which is your son being unco-operative at home.

I was badly bullied and intimidated all through Secondary School and this had the knock on effect of my being very badly behaved and rude at home. I think I somehow felt that I had to assert myself somewhere, as I couldnt at school. And because my parents love was unconditional, I was somehow allowed to let off steam at home. My poor Mum suffered terribly but for me it was a release and she understood that. No excuse for bad behaviour but maybe understandable?

PS. I work in a school and having also been through that myself, I would get him out of there as other posters have said. Hes your son and you know when hes not happy. Its so important that he enjoys his education.

Lots of luck.

cheeryface Fri 10-Dec-10 15:01:04

thankyou for all the replies and advice. i have seen the head today and ds2 has now officially left the school. The head has agreed to authorize his absence whilst we find him somewhere else.

im not quite sure about the aspergers issue. i am thinking perhaps go to g.p and asked to be referred for assessment just in case there is anything to it.

i really dont want ds2 thinking he is odd or different though on top of everything else.

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