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Think DD thinks I don't love her!

(13 Posts)
starrychime Sun 05-Dec-10 21:55:54

Help, feel like I'm a crap mum and things are going downhill every day. Feeling a bit tearful even typing this! I feel I am just SO shouty and grumpy with DD(7) and then she gets grumpy and plays up then I get more shouty - honestly, surprised the neighbours haven't been round to see what's going on in here sometimes! I can feel myself withdrawing sometimes into my own little space (or MN) and just letting her sit and watch TV as I just don't have the energy to argue or interact any more. Sometimes I feel the only way to get her to do anything, get ready for school, put something down and get changed to go out etc is to really scream, then she gets upset and a bit scared I think and does what she needs to do then I feel crap and apologise then it starts again. She told me tonight that I don't love her as I was so shouty sad - told her she was the most precious thing to me but tomorrow I know we'll have the same sort of thing again! Feel things have got to change soon or it'll be too late and I'll "lose" her emotionally if you know what I mean.

isitmidnightalready Sun 05-Dec-10 23:57:58

Poor old you. It is easy to get into this downward spiral - my 4yr old DD and me wind each other up like this. I can see it coming but it becomes like a battle of wills. When I am feeling upbeat I can get her to laugh and work it out that way. I have seen this lots of times on Supernanny also, especially the bit where it is easier to ignore the child than interact. I think we are all guilty of that.

Also sounds to me like it is not about your daughter especially, but more to do with other things and she is at the bum end of it. I find that I am superwoman out there in the real world and just handle all the stress, but then take it out on the kids when I get home. Also seems weird that I can handle lots of grief from strangers, but embarassing that I can't control my 4 yr old.

Can't think of advice, but will keep an eye out for what others tell you. Good luck.

starrychime Mon 06-Dec-10 03:21:21

Thanks for replying - just woke up on the couch after my usual of crashing out there and thought I'd have a quick check back! Think you're right about other things adding to the problem. Folk have said that I 'deal with things better when you've loads to cope with' and 'look how well you do, work full time, do everything with DD, clubs, park, go places etc' (no partner, hardly any support so all down to me really) when inside I'm going no I don't, I'm a crap mum. Go to pick her up from after school feeling all happy to see her then right away she starts playing up a bit, wanting to finish a game, not getting in car properly, and that starts things off for the night which then deteriorates into arguments about sitting properly at tea, doing homework without writhing about etc and it really wears me out! Hence fall asleep on couch, house a tip, wake up at all hours, tired next day, more likely to be grumpy etc, etc, and so it goes on <sigh>

Emo76 Mon 06-Dec-10 08:33:10

You;re not a crap mum - I am in a similar situation with my DD aged 7 and have just posted about her. It is really hard, you have my sympathy.

Simic Mon 06-Dec-10 10:58:43

I don't know the details of the whole situation and what I'm about to write is probably really patronising, but if she wants to finish a game and you want her to get in the car, can you just give yourself a break enjoying watching her doing something she's enjoying? Would that break the cycle and help you hold onto the feeling of being so happy to see her?
I know that a lot of people hate referring to books but I personally think "How to listen so kids will talk and how to talk so kids will listen" (is that the right way round??) by Faber and Mazlish is quite good on this...

earwicga Mon 06-Dec-10 11:02:41

Yes, you are in a cycle. Children are bloody hard work, but you are the adult here. As you have posted here, you realise your behaviour is wrong and making your daughter's behaviour worse. I've been in this cycle too.

Perhaps you can both draw up a set of rules for each other. Nothing too heavy. Put it up on the wall on a huge sheet of paper.

werewolf Mon 06-Dec-10 11:04:50

Can you do this thing of warning her that she's got x time to finish something before y has to happen. Ie, when you pick her up from school, tell her she's got 5 minutes to finish her game before you go.

I'd totally let go her sitting properly at tea or writhing about when she's doing her homework - at least for now.

Build in a nice time each evening when you feel up to it - playing a board game or having a story, watch something together and have a lovely cuddle.

And remember, you're a good mum otherwise you wouldn't worry about this. smile

bintofbohemia Mon 06-Dec-10 11:11:20

Starrychime, I could have written your post. Some days are better than others, but I have two DSs aged 2 and 4 and there seems to be nothing we can do altogether without them ripping each others heads off.

But you can do something about it - resolved to spend some time, even if it's ten minutes, set a timer and give her your undivided attention, even if it's just reading a book or talking about the day it re-establishes a link. (Timing is key though, make sure you pick a moment where she's not trying to do something else!)

Easy to say of course, I don't manage it all the time but it is my resolution to do this daily if nothing else.

And like werewolf says, at least you care, that makes you a good mother by default. My dad knows I think he dislikes me and has nothing to say about it. Now that's a crap parent.

0karen Mon 06-Dec-10 14:14:10

I agree with bintofbohemia you need to find some time to do fun things together. I put aside a lot of either Saturday or Sunday to do fun things they want to do. Then turn things like getting into the car into a game, we race each other to and from the car, of course I nearly always loose

I am amazed when we go out to the park or beach how many parents just sit there watching their children playing, I play with them. Just got back in from throwing snowballs at each other

My neighbour came out shouting at her daughter because she got her coat a little dirty, well so what, choose your battles, do not go overboard on trivial things

Finally you need to be firm when you really want them to do something, stay calm just be assertive look at her and tell her do this now!

Work for me for now, wonder if it still will when they are 14

starrychime Mon 06-Dec-10 14:24:29

Thanks for all replies. School closed early today because of snow so had to leave work early and we now have all afternoon together. So glad to hear I'm not the only one having a horrible time - I knew I wasn't but it's good to see it written down if you know what I mean. I am going to make a real effort today - we have already discussed how she is going to help me tidy up and she's really happy about being able to help, bless her. I really feel this is all caused by my not spending enought time one on one and me being a grumpy, knackered old bag sad I wonder if in 2 or 3 years I will be able to look back on this thread (if they stay around that long) and remember how things got better from this point? Love being able to air all this on here - friends in RL think I'm a 'coper' and I just can't see myself being able to spill it all out like this.

isitmidnightalready Mon 06-Dec-10 20:31:56

I know what you mean - it does seem better whenyou relise you are not the only one going through something. I've been a lurker for about a month and have finally joined. Now I look at what I have written on various blogs and it all seems really personal - paranoia that someone could work out who I am.... and know my inner most everythings.. But it is helpful when other people share their crap feelings / embarassing medical problems/ relationship issues. It reminds me of when I had a really good mate in a previous life and we could talk about everything and sort our and other people's worlds out. I moved and really miss it but mumsnet is making that feeling come back.

I'm rambling now (and being a crap mum doing this while my three kids watch a totally trashy Arnie christmas film with dubious storyline - why do they make awful films with lots of santas (when everyone knows there is only one) and where santas are bad tempered and attack people. And all this rubish about believing in santa - like there is an option for a 4 year old. Don't even ask the question, please.... If I wasn't such a slacker I should turn it off, but it is buying me peace & quiet. I did also just let my four year old wreck my old make-up by making me up as I lay on my bed being teh victim (good excuse for a lie-down whilst pretending to have quality time with daughter).

Slackers of the parenting world unite! They will never find us out if we stick together.. I did also put lots of slacker's tips on the tips section but they have not appeared two days later - I think I have been editted for conning people into thinking I am a decent parent. Or is there something about adding tips that i don'tknow?

ememum Mon 06-Dec-10 21:43:20

starrychime, I'm sure you will look back on this thread in the future and see how things have improved. I agree with what some of the others have said about choosing your battles, so you're not ending up arguing about things that are irritating but ultimately of low value.
Also second what has been said about how you are a good parent or you wouldn't be worried about this stuff.
Can you remember anything you used to really enjoy doing at her age that you could do together?

earwicga Mon 06-Dec-10 21:59:26

I find it comes and goes how much individual attention mine want from me. Depending on how busy they are in life or whatever. They know that I am here if as and when though.

Love your tips isitmidnightalready I am a great believer in snuggling up in bed to watch a DVD when I am too tired. I usually wake up before the end of the film. Ditto the cinema

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