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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Smacked DS hard. Feel awful.

36 replies

helpscaredstupid · 04/12/2010 15:55

Have been under massive pressure but no excuse.

Today lost my temper and smacked DS 4 on the face.

Want to kill myself.

Have cuddled, apologised, sat and had time with him, gave him a compress for his face.

But feel very low and dark.

I am an awful Mummy, i've never done anything like this before. What will happen?

My baby.

DH has been really undertnading and has just taken DS out to the shop for a boys trip out. DS is absolutely fine.

I can't believe it's happened. I lost my rag.

Will I lose him?

I hatemyself.

Have namechanged for obvs reasons

:(

OP posts:

Report

Goblinchild · 04/12/2010 15:58

You will not lose him, it was a single occasion where you lashed out without thinking or intent. he will forgive you, although he might keep bringing it up for a while.
You need to know when you are about to lose control and get out of the situation before hitting. You are not awful or bad or anything close to that, and the fact that you feel dreadful shows you how caring you really are.

MyBoyJakey · 04/12/2010 16:03

Think we've all been there....

Reiterate all that Goblin has said. Please do not beat yourself but up

Hugs xx

MyBoyJakey · 04/12/2010 16:05

Sorry, multi-tasking head not with it today.... "Please do not beat yourself up" - No 'but'

Oops!

helpscaredstupid · 04/12/2010 16:05

I cant stop shaking and it was 3 hours ago.

I'm terrified that he remembers and hates me, or is emotionally damaged by it.

How can i make sure he's not affected long term?

thank you for answering GC, I'm such a mess :(

OP posts:

colditz · 04/12/2010 16:07

He will be more reassured if you stop shaking, weeping and snotting around. He's four, and he needs you to be in control of yourself. What you're doing now is far more frightening than a slapped face, so try to get a grip, DON'T drag the subject up again (unless he wants to talk about it), force a smile on your face and get on with being the fantastic mother I'm sure you usually are.

helpscaredstupid · 04/12/2010 16:09

You're right Colditz. Am going to go and start the tea now and will never let it happen again.

Won't mention it to him again. Just lots of cuddles.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 04/12/2010 16:10

He will remember that you slapped him, and that you were sorry and recognised that what you did was wrong. He will not live in terror for the rest of his childhood because of a one off incident, although you might have to cope with him asking about it for the next few days.
When he loses control at some point in the future and causes harm, he will have the understanding and memory of when bad things happen, the situation is redeemable.
You have scared yourself, and that will help you recognise when you are about to lose control next time

Goblinchild · 04/12/2010 16:11

colditz
Good post

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 16:12

Op can you get some RL practical support in place so you aren't under so much pressure or is it something that can't be helped? what is causing you so much stress?

colditz · 04/12/2010 16:13

And no, you won't lose him

PlanetEarth · 04/12/2010 16:13

Nothing will happen!

I did the same to my DD some years ago - she was being obnoxious and I slapped her (hard) over something trivial, the straw that broke the camel's back.

I wish I hadn't done it, but I did and the world didn't end, and I very much doubt my DD or your DS would be emotionally damaged over one slap.

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 16:14

helpscaredstupid - ((HUG)) we have all done something that we are not proud of - the thing that makes the difference is learning from it. I am pretty bloody sure you wont be doing it again!

He wont be affected long term - he may remember, he may not, but one smack (even on the face) will not traumatise him for life. Although, if you don't pull yourself together that may.

Please stop beating yourself up - you did something truely regrettable - learn from it and move on.

Do something nice this evening with DS & DH - popcorn and a family movie snuggled on the couch, give him a bath (if you normally do), snuggle him up in bed... it will all be OK.

If you want to talk about what he was doing that pushed you over the edge - you know where we are x

earwicga · 04/12/2010 16:17

'and will never let it happen again.'

You need to put things in place to make sure you can hold to this.

bloomingnora · 04/12/2010 16:17

I lashed out at my 4 year old DS last week. After a long heart to heart with my mum about it we came to the following conclusion. Much better to lash out once than to cold bloodedly decide that this is how you are going to parent. You say you are an awful mummy but I don't believe awful mummies are the ones that do this once and feel terrible about it. He will be fine. You will be fine. And I will be fine and so will DS1!

helpscaredstupid · 04/12/2010 16:18

Thank you so much everybody.

Feel more together at the moment.

DH was shocked but reacted well and hasn't gone bloody mad like I thought he would.

We are under giant cash pressure, like everyone at the moment. We've skinted ourselves buying the kids xmas gifts, and have DC3 on the way.

DS had a tantrum of epic proportions and was screaming that he hated me, DH and would like to live elsewhere.... because he was put in sit out for ripping a book that MIL had bought him.

It just was the last straw.

Had been on phone all morning trying to convince Sky, BT etc to allow us to delay our bills for a week or so, to no avail..

BUT

It was no excuse at all.

OP posts:

bloomingnora · 04/12/2010 16:21

Sorry, should also say that I bought some parenting books on Amazon that evening in order to have some strategies to deal with the way he is pushing every single one of my buttons! It really made me feel better to take some positive action to stop it happening again.

Goblinchild · 04/12/2010 16:21

Mine are both teenagers, my son has Asperger's.
Building up a climate of being sorry for mistakes, trying harder next time and learning control are important lessons to learn.
To make a mistake and descend into hopeless despair is not a lesson I wanted mine to learn.

bloomingnora · 04/12/2010 16:22

Hmm. Parenting books from library? Sorry X-posted! Have you been on the martin Lewis website for much practical money help?

jemimapotts · 04/12/2010 16:26

Parentline Plus are very helpful and supportive if you want to talk to someone.

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 17:25

Make sure DH knows how much his support and not 'going mad' means to you x

It does all sound very stressful. 4 year olds are very good at pushing all of your buttons - mixed with being pregnant, money worries, Christmas and stuff.... no wonder you are at the end of your rope!

Be kind to yourself - work out how you are going to deal with the money stuff and look forward to Christmas.

Put this behind you and move forward x

helpscaredstupid · 04/12/2010 18:18

Thanks so much everybody. All your replies and advice are so greatly appreciated.

Jemima, Blooming, I will read up on some tactics for dealing with stressful situations with young DC's. Never really had "terrible two's", but "frustrating four's" are very testing.

Have told DH that I almost expected him to take the DC's and leave, and thanked him so much for being great. He said it did make him cross, but could see I was punishing myself, more than he would have been angry at me, IYSWIM.

DC's just wolfed down sausages, spuds and brocolli, followed by pancakes and are just about to head up for a bath. All seems normal so far. So relieved.

GC, You're right about moving past mistakes and learning from them. Am going to try hard to do that :)

ChippingIn - thank you, what a nice post, have chatted to you before under 'regular name'. You're always very balanced and helpful :)

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 18:33

Have a nice evening with the kids & DH x

sneakapeak · 04/12/2010 19:41

You were on the phone to SKY? No fecking wonder then, that would drive you to slap your Gran the bastards!

Seriously, you have a lot of pressure there, especially being PG with 3rd the hormones are awful.

The worst case of 'loosing it' I ever had with DS when he was 2.5 was when I was PG with DD. I didn't recognise myself I was a looney and felt so bad - still do when I remember it.

I think it's a mixture of the hormones and the worries the unknown of a new baby can bring.

I know a mother who regularly slaps her DS's and thinks it's a good way to discipline them .
Your not like that at all clearly.

3beagles · 04/12/2010 20:03

My 2.11 yo DD is going through a 'throwing' stage at the moment. It makes me so .

She threw a notebook at me on the stairs after I asked for her to give it back to me. I know that 'red mist' feeling.

I just picked her up (probably a bit roughly) and put her on time-out.

How I didn't wallop her I don't know.

Well I do actually - i watched supernanny this morning and took notes :o

Seriously - don't be so hard on yourself. Chin up.

MrsBowie · 04/12/2010 21:14

If you were an 'awful mummy', you wouldn't be so consumed with guilt.

You'll all be fine...panic not!

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