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I'm out of work so im supposed to be this wonderful partner and cook and mother feel crap at all of them!

(5 Posts)
Scruffyhound Thu 02-Dec-10 22:17:44

I have a DS whom is nearly 5yrs old. Im 5 1/2 months pregnant and have been out of work for 4 1/2 months Im looking for a job but no one wants a pregnant woman Im used to working full time and I lived on my own for a while and sorted my son out and worked full time. But now Im out of work an living with my partner I feel im expected to be this amazing partner/mother/cook!Im worried that once the second baby comes I will be expected to give up work all together I dont know if i would cope. Im fed up of it! I just cant see why Im being put into this situation/pigeon hole. I love being a mum but Im so tired with this pregnancy I feel crap at it. My DS is from my ex husband and my partner does more than he did but I feel its not enough. I do house work and chores and the normal stuff but after tea time Im soo tired I just want to sleep. I want to do stuff with DS as I know my partner will not bother with him like I do. I like to read or play or do something. But I lack the energy. Im so worried I will be a mess when this next baby comes along I dont know what to do?! Also am I expecting too much from my partner now who is not DS's dad?

Simic Fri 03-Dec-10 08:58:45

First: pregnancy is REALLY tiring - and why does it seem more so the second time round??!!
I used to go to bed before dd when I was pregnant with ds - and dh just had to get her to bed. I literally couldn't stay up any longer.
I really understand that you want to do stuff with DS but it's not an all or nothing thing. Be kind to yourself and just go to bed sometimes - your dp might not do the same things with ds as you would do but the two of them having time to themselves won't do them any harm - maybe it will really help them develop even more affection for each other...
And if you feel like I did at that stage YOU NEED THE REST!!!
Then some times you'll feel better and you'll have more energy to play with DS. As I say, it's not all or nothing. It's sometimes this and sometimes that - but look after yourself too! Your son needs a mum who is as well as possible in the circumstances.
I also know exactly what you mean with feeling like you're expected to be the perfect partner/mother/cook/housewife if you're not working outside the home. I was so scared of this that it was a major factor in my not giving up work when I really wanted to (I regret it now). My mum was a SAHM and she just decided that she was a good mum, she did as much cooking as she could but she herself remembers the weeks when we lived on baked beans on toast (my sister was longer term ill). My dad did get annoyed that the house was always in a mess, but she didn't seem to let it bother her. I think she just decided that what she was doing was a good job. I think this is a brilliant way to be - but I find it really hard to do it myself.
You do the housework - which is already an almighty achievement in my book!
I think when you've been a working mum, it's really hard to accept yourself when you're not. But you have to accept yourself - being at home with a child, pregnant is SO much harder than most fulltime jobs out of the house! It's so hard it's unbelievable. But, you say you "feel" you're expected to be like this or that and you feel the pigeon hole. If possible, I would just try to forget the pigeonhole and just live day by day.
All the very best and I hope someone else can be more helpful than I can!

Scruffyhound Fri 03-Dec-10 14:37:34

Hello Simic thanks for the reply. I keep thinking its me being rubbish as before I used to run a house sort out my son and work full time on my own. Now I have a partner, a house we share and no job 5 1/2 months pregnant and am wondering why I feel so tired all the time! Thanks for the words of support I thought I was going mad! Im worried about baby and my DS and how I will cope with them both! Some days I try to think forget the house work and stuff that needs doing I need a break. But when I decide that it never works out! We rent a house and Im renting my house where I used to live (which I own) so things keep popping up with that too. Its the only way we could be together. Now Im here I feel I'm ungreatful but then I also feel my DP could make more of an effort but then DS is not his so im not sure what to do he does make more of an effort than his biological dad does and is better with him. I wonder sometimes if Im looking for someone who is this amazing partner and father to my DS who will never exist as its all in my head. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Thanks again for your advise simic grin

Simic Mon 06-Dec-10 10:04:39

I do often have contradictory thoughts about how we should manage things in the family (although dh is the children's father). I catch myself feeling its unfair that dh is sitting reading the paper having a coffee, while I'm struggling on with the children. But I know he's really good and does loads. I feel guilty that he does so much housework when he works 100% and I'm just part-time (or before I was at home all the time).
I think it's good to keep talking about how things are going - but making sure that I think hard about all the things he does do and imagine how it must be for him. I also find it's quite useful to talk about things by asking him about how it is for him: where does he feel it pinches - what would make things easier for him? does he feel he's got any slack anywhere that he could help with x, y or z because I'm finding this really hard to manage? We find we quite often just sit down together and say "oh god, it's all really a bit too much, isn't it!". It's often just good to see yourselves in the same boat battling away!

Scruffyhound Wed 08-Dec-10 12:07:29

This is very true. Were both working to the same goal like everyone trying to make people happy and be happy our selves. I did ask partner if he wants a hand with anything silly things really. Like he has a list of cards to write out for work and as a manager he feels its nice to do. Its a big list so I said I will do it. And he is tired form work most days hes up at 5.30 and comes home and has his tea cooked but if there is anyhting he can help with he normally will. Like today he has sorted out my cars MOT my ex husband NEVER would of done that. We were both not very well yeaterday horrible cold and he was off but we both sorted my son out dropping him off anf picking him up from school. And we promised to see him in his chirstmas play so we struggled but went as we said we would. My ex husband could not make it (as usual). We felt sorry for my DS so we went my DP is great in those respects. My problem is with me I have gone from a job/s I enjoy and feel like im helping or doing something I work in science to now only thinking about dishes, washing, DS, DP wishes. I feel I bit stupid and im worrying I will loose my brain power (what little I have!). Sounds weird its making that swich from jobs to home and hosework. Im trying to get involved with the school as well. Is this how you felt? I dont want to sound rude to stay at home mums im sure some of them feel this way too? Some women are great saty at home mums and think love it and its all they want. I think I want eveything! grin

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