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feeling guilty about ds in nursery whilst i am home with newborn.

(22 Posts)
bgt Wed 24-Nov-10 17:25:30

i have just had my baby daughter 2 weeksago, she has an older brother who is 2 and 9 months. whilst i was working he was in nursery tues, wed and thursday. my husband wants to continue this whilst i am on mat leave for the year. i thought i would take him out till i had to get back to work. i feel guilty he is in nursery and i am home with the baby
my dh thinks we should keep him in his routine and he does loves nursery.

hatsybatsy Wed 24-Nov-10 17:27:49

really really don't feel guilty.

he's happy and his little world is not being blown apart by the arrival of his new sister.

you're happy because you're getting some quality time with the new baby.

everyone's a winner!

(when the new baby is more settled, then you'll have the luxury of being able to take him out of nursery if you want to do stuff?

Kewcumber Wed 24-Nov-10 17:31:35

why would you feel guilty if he loves it? He had your undivided attention during your maternity last time - why shouldnt new baby have some undivided attention too.

Different kettle of fish is he didn;t love it.

Maybe pick him up earlier than normal if it makes you feel better.

jetgirl Wed 24-Nov-10 17:34:26

I kept dd in nursery when ds was born. It was great for her - she was able to play constantly and not rely on me to get her drinks, entertain her etc when I happened to be feeding ds. And great for me to spend time with ds (and nap when he napped which I just couldn't do with a 2 yo around) She was in nursery 2 days a week and I was happy to be able to keep this one thing constant when there was so much change for her at home. It also meant I got to keep up with her friends and mine at the nursery

You could just reduce his days so he still has regular contact with his friends and it will make it easier on your ds when you do return to work.

Congratulations on your dd [ smile]

ChocolateCalculator Thu 25-Nov-10 00:04:44

DS2 is 13 weeks old and we have carried on sending DS1 to the childminder two days a week. It's given DS1 consistency and I know he would miss the CM if he stopped going. It has also given me some time alone with DS2 where I can enjoy the luxury of only having a baby to look after without a toddler running round causing havoc. DS2 benefits from lovely long snoozy cuddles, rather than being fed and put down so I can entertain DS1.

However, despite these obvious advantages, I have still had guilty pangs. Until I realised that DS1 doesn't know the difference from when I used to drop him off and go to work, he doesn't know I go home again now, so he doesn't feel he's missing out.

Congratulations on your new baby.

wannabeglam Thu 25-Nov-10 00:17:42

How about half days?

Cosmosis Thu 25-Nov-10 10:19:52

I would have thought it would be helpful for him to continue his routine? but I only have an 11wk old so not really sure I'm qualified to answer wink

PaulineMole Thu 25-Nov-10 10:24:37

i have 4 week old and a 3 year old dds. dd1 adores nursery, and it's great for her to have time away from very screamy dd2. she goes for 2.5 days each week and i think that's the right balance.

oh, and congratulations!

putthekettleon Thu 25-Nov-10 11:23:39

Everyone I know whose DC1 was already in nursery does this, so don't feel guilty! I am actually quite jealous - I was a SAHM already when DD2 was born. However I now send DD1 to preschool 2 mornings a week and don't feel guilty about it at all, it's the only time I really get quality time with DD2.

Being at home with a newborn is not interesting for a nearly-3-year-old. When I'm on maternity leave I take the approach that if I am doing something interesting I'll take the older one out of nursery for the day, but if I am sitting on the sofa feeding the baby or in Costa talking to a lot of other mothers with small babies about the exact consistency of their poo then DC1 is better off and certainly happier painting and sticking and playing games and running around in the garden with his/her friends.

negrilbaby Thu 25-Nov-10 20:45:30

I have DS 2 and 9 months and DD 5 months. DS goes to nursery 3 days a week. I have felt terribly guilty about it, especially since DS constantly tells me he doesn't want to go. He cries most mornings on the way in but is always happily playing when I pick him up and often has to be dragged away.
The main reason I have kept him in nursery is to allow DD some quality time. On the days DS is at home DD barely gets a look in. All our activities are centered on DS. I think your daughter would really appreciate some time with you without her older brother.

Sanityismyonlydelusion Thu 25-Nov-10 20:48:42

If it makes you feel guilty then take him out.

Part of the reason I had another baby 22 months after my first is because I wanted to spend more time with my first child.

Sorry, I do think it's weird to think your child is better off with someone other than a parent who is not working and perfectly able to care for them.

JFly Thu 25-Nov-10 20:51:53

I put DS (same age as yours) into nursery (well, pre-school) because I'm having my second! I'm a SAHM but thought a few afternoons a week would benefit both DS and myself, especially when no. 2 arrives. DS has settled in well, enjoys the time there and builds independence from me and social skills, etc. I think it's good for them, especially at this age. You would be sending him to pre-school around 3 anyway, wouldn't you?

Don't feel guilty. You will all benefit from having a little time away from each other.

Piccalilli2 Thu 25-Nov-10 20:52:02

If you take him out you may not get him back in again when you need/want to.

In any event, as several others have said, if he's happy then you have nothing to feel bad about. And your baby may be lovely and sweet and sleeping all the time now, but in a couple of months when she may be colicky and going through a growth spurt and feeding all the time those nursery days may just keep you sane. You can always keep him at home on the days you feel like it for a special big brother day out with the baby.

I kept my dd1 in nursery 3 days a week (she was 4 days when I was working) when I was on mat leave and she was fine - loved nursery but has a fab relationship with her little sister.

SeaShellsFiringUpTheQuattro Thu 25-Nov-10 20:54:59

My Ds loves being in nursery and gets sooooo bored at home whilst I'm with 6wk old dd. He loves playing at nursery. We do baby things the days he is at nursery, toddler things the others.

Don't feel guilty-congratulations and enjoy your newborn (without being stuck feeding on a sofa for 30mins watching a toddler on the rampage!!)

lovechristmas Thu 25-Nov-10 21:03:53

I am expecting DC2 in 6 weeks and 33 month old DD1 is really, really happy at her nursery where she go two days a week.

I understand your guilt as DH and I have been asking ourselves same question for weeks. But have arrived at the conclusion that it would be horrible of us to take her out of nursery (a happy place for her) for a short period (be it the length of my maternity leave or until her state entitlement at Easter) and then expect her to cope with a second transition when the time comes for her to return.

The decisions we now discuss are those around what constitutes quality time when I do return to work late next year. With DD1, I had one half day where I could work from home. When she was younger I would forfeit this time to collect her early and have lunch and the rest of the day together. I have decided to do this again with DC2 AND DD1 when I return to work. As when they are both at nursery quality time = family time!

IHeartKingThistle Fri 26-Nov-10 00:31:46

Don't feel guilty. DD used to do 3 full days at nursery and loved it. I fully intended to keep her there for the first few weeks after DS's arrival then take her out for my maternity leave. Never happened - everyone was very happy! She had much more fun at nursery than at home with me watching me breastfeed and schlepping along to baby weigh-ins. And I was a much calmer mummy too - we all benefited from the familiar routine. I felt guilty too, but in reality it was win-win!

Congratulations! smile

Roo83 Fri 26-Nov-10 07:36:23

Don't feel guilty, it is probably better to keep him in his routine as much as possible while his new sister is around. You also won't have to worry about settling him back at nursery when you return to work. He will get stimulation and to play with his friends, you'll be able to get on and get things done. If you really want to maybe cut him to 2 days?

peppapighastakenovermylife Fri 26-Nov-10 07:42:06

DS2 is 13 weeks and DD (2.3) still goes most days during school hours blush. However she loves it and it has kept her routine and her place open.

DS2 doesnt sleep well, I am exhausted and also job hunting / trying to keep up with my writing (am an academic) because I cant just drop it all on mat leave. If she was home her day would involve being dragged to and from school, tesco, watching me feed DS2 and lie on the sofa like a zombie because I am exhausted.

She is happy, gets to play with her friends and do fun stuff. There is no way I would get round to painting at home! She has to go back full time anyway in February. By the time I had vaguely got my head together after the birth it wasnt worth taking her out.

Besides she cries and asks to go if I dont take her!

peppapighastakenovermylife Fri 26-Nov-10 07:44:16

Oh and yes I do keep her home every now and again when we have something planned. But I have no family support, all my friends are in work...it just keeps us all sane.

bgt Fri 26-Nov-10 15:42:46

Thank you all for your replies, i am lucky that my little one enjoys nursery and we can afford to send him. I am glad he is going as at the moment his sister is constantly feeding and has lost a lot of weight since birth so I am focusing alot on the feeding for her. TOday I nearly had a breakdown as I looked st DS and nearly broke down as I thought i hadnt spent much time with him compared to how we use to........i think thats down to my hormones!!!

pointythings Fri 26-Nov-10 20:44:42

I kept my older DD in nursery when I had my younger DD - she was used to going f/t and obviously she did shorter days with me at home. We also took time out for outings etc, but her keyworker put it very well and said it was something she didn't have to share. I knew I was going to have to go back to working f/t when DD2 was 6 months old so for us there was no sense in breaking the routine and we could afford to do it. It meant DD2 got the same 1 to 1 that DD1 had when she was a baby as well.

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