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is it normal to just want one child when your first LO is still young?

(29 Posts)
mollysmum82 Thu 18-Nov-10 14:42:09

My daughter is now 15 months old I just couldn't contemplate having another baby. I wondered if others felt the same way when their LOs were so young and then went on to change their minds?

I absolutely adore my dd and I love being her mum more than anything. As cheesy as it sounds I picture a really happy future for the three of us and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

I really struggled to conceive, having no periods for 13 years, fertility treatment and miscarriages. I also had a very difficult birth - my daughter was born blue as my placenta had stopped providing her with oxygen and I really thought she was going to die. I feel so lucky just to have her.

I had pnd after having my daughter and it really put a strain on my marriage. I was having suicidal thoughts daily and my poor husband was really struggling to cope. I'm feeling so much better now though and I'm really starting to love every minute with my family and feel like such a better mum and wife now. I'm so scared another baby will set me back again.

I've put my career on hold for a few years to look after dd full time and whilst I do love spending every second with her I miss my job and do want to go back to feeling like a normal person again. Goodness that sounds so selfish.

My husband really wants another baby though and he thinks it would be really good for DD. I feel so selfish for not wanting one and I just wonder if I will change my mind?

I don't really know what to do contraception wise as I'm breastfeeding and have PCOS, so its unlikely I'll conceive naturally. My husband has agreed we can leave it to chance rather than actively try but even then I'm scared I'll get pregnant. But then if I do have the coil fitted I could be jeopardising the only chance I might have to have another baby.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant...I don't really know what I'm asking, but your thoughts would be really appreciated.

Thanks lots

Megglevache Thu 18-Nov-10 14:43:35

Yep. I couldn't imagine having another either.

Sounds completely normal to me :-)

I started to feel diferent when my ds turned 2.

GoingToBonnieDoon Thu 18-Nov-10 15:15:54

I have 2DD 16 months apart and at first I thought this was too small a gap but now that DD1 is coming up to 2 I can see that she is ready for a little pal to be in cahoots with.

Maybe when your DD gets a bit older, maybe 6 months or so and she becomes more of a little girl rather than a baby or young toddler you might change your mind. I often think this might be why its fairly normal to have a 2-and-a-bit to 3 year age gap between kids (in my friendship group anyway).

veryoldmother Thu 18-Nov-10 15:18:09

Exactly how I felt. In virtually every detail. I've now got 3 and longing to have 4 although am too old now I think.

booyhoo Thu 18-Nov-10 15:19:09

yep. i had ds1 for almost 4 years just the two of us and i loved it. when i got pregnant with ds2 i worried it would damage our relationship. i knew tehre was no point kidding myself it would stay the same. but we all get on well. i definitely don't have as much time with ds1 but it has coincided with him starting school so i was going to see less of him anyway. we have a dvd night on saturday nights, just him and I and when ds2 naps ds1 and I do things together that ds2 can't do yet. our relationship is different but just as good, it just took some adjusting to.

booyhoo Thu 18-Nov-10 15:20:42

also feel the same about ds2 now. he is almost 18 months and i can't imagine having another baby now whilst he is still so young. yo me he is very much a baby and i feel i would miss out on the rest of his baby stage if i had another. i am enjoying it so much.

moajab Thu 18-Nov-10 22:30:41

I could never imagine loving another child as I loved DS1 and had a second more because I wanted him to have a sibling than because i really wanted another baby. But I fell madly in love at first sight with DS2 and subsequently with DS3! I can't imagine not having the three of them. But it's a personal choice and many people do stop at 1 and feel very happy doing this.

southeastastra Thu 18-Nov-10 22:31:17

yes i took me 8 years to want another

tryingtoleave Fri 19-Nov-10 05:32:33

I think you sound really sensible. I didn't feel the same - wanted another and had them 2.4 years apart and it has made life so much more difficult. I adore dc2 and all that but two children is not the pleasure that one was.

FWIW, I don't think dcs really want siblings - I'm sure they'd prefer all their parents attention.

TankFlyBossWalk Fri 19-Nov-10 05:47:15

My DD is nearly two and a half and I definitely don't want another. I keep wondering if I'll change my mind, but the older she gets the more and more pleased I am that DP only wants on too (technically speaking, she has a half brother, but he's thirteen years older than her).

So, I would say that what you're feeling is normal by my standards!

TankFlyBossWalk Fri 19-Nov-10 05:49:19

Just to add to that, it's not that I have a bad relationship with DD - quite the opposite. I'm a SAHM and I absolutely love it. She has our undivided attention and is a happy little girl. She has plenty of friends (a much better social life than me!)and loves visiting her cousins, so I'm not worried that she's lonely.

Othersideofthechannel Fri 19-Nov-10 06:06:15

Well I wanted another one when DS was 9 months and know a lot of people who felt similarly.
I don't think either wanting to wait or not wanting to wait is abnormal.

wannabeglam Fri 19-Nov-10 07:11:14

I think your experience has traumatised you and it's natural, in the circumstances, to feel the way you do. Give yourself a bit more time.

Perhaps you could talk to someone about your experience, it can really help.

Does your husband know the depths of despair you hit after having DD?

Also, if you do decide to have another, you now know what can happen and could be more prepared to get help immediately.

I had a second after a difficult first experience. I was an only and really didn't want my son to be one so I went through IVF and tremendous fear to give him a sibling. And it was very difficult after DD was born, but after a year it was brilliant.

I think if you think of life in general, getting to where you want to be can be hell on the way. It just depends how much you want it, even if it's mainly for your hubby and child.

If you can't face it, then don't and enjoy the child you have. It's a very different experience and I couldn't say one is better than the other.

Orissiah Fri 19-Nov-10 09:14:02

I agree with Wannabeglam, your experiences have been quite tough. If you have no desire at the moment to have another then that's fine; if you decide you are ready to have another later on then that's fine too; if you decide you want to stick with your lovely family of three then that's okay too :-)

My DD is nearly 2 and a half and I still don't want another child. She's a delight and I love the way our life is just with the three of us. I was an only child and had a wonderful childhood. I've never missed siblings. I know everyone's experiences are different but my personal experience of being an only makes me extremely calm about the possibility that I may never want a second child.

If I have a second child, though, I'd like to think that that would be okay too!

Your only family life is what you make of it - whether you have no children, one child or six children :-)

PaulineMole Fri 19-Nov-10 09:18:46

just to add if you are genuinely unsure about wanting another, do use contraception, even with bf and pcos.

i was certain i only wanted one, and didn't use contraception as we needed fertility treatment to conceive dd1.

dd2 shock is now sleeping on me.

FernieB Fri 19-Nov-10 11:59:36

Agree with everyone here - it's not abnormal not to want another. You've been through a lot and it's natural you'd be reluctant to go through it again. A lot of people just want one child. It's whatever works for you.

mollysmum82 Fri 19-Nov-10 12:13:53

I'm really so touched by the support you've given me - you've actually brought a tear to my eye! Thank you so much for showing me that what I'm feeling is normal x

mollysmum82 Sat 28-May-11 20:06:00

Hello ladies. I just wanted to come back on to update you and thank you again for your support those few months ago.

DD is 21 months now and I'm still nowhere near ready. She's been so poorly these last few months, spending three days each month in hospital on oxygen and nebulisers. DH and I have had some really low points, partly due to the stress of her illness and tiredness. He said a couple of months ago I made him feel lower than he's ever felt in his life and he found it hard to love me Granted, this was said at 3am after a horrendous night with our daughter and he has apologised so much since. We are normally such a happy, cuddly couple though and I just want to get back to the way things were. Things have been so much better with us since and we have started to have a glimpse of the old wonderful relationship we had before our daughter came. I adore our daughter more than life itself and I don't resent her at all for the way things have been with DH, but I am really scared another baby will set us back and we just won't ever recover.

I've been trying to deal with my pnd and upsetting pcos symptoms but in the thick of things DH came home and said he'd love another baby now! He says he regrets the 4 year age gap he and his brother had as they've only recently become close. So now I don't only feel pressure to have another, I now feel pressure to do it now!

I know I'm going to have to be strong and say no to my husband, for the sake of my health as well as our marriage. But I really worry he will resent me for not having another baby. Has anyone else been through this? I'm also really scared that if the pnd comes back with a vengeance I may end up spoiling my wonderful relationship with DD.

I'm so sorry to moan, it would be lovely to have a friendly ear or some advice xx

Sylvaniasandwich Sun 29-May-11 21:04:23

Oh wow it sounds to me like you really know your own feelings - and you can't do anything but go with them. Your health alone is a good enough reason - and a rocky relationship is another.

My friends have one child and it works brilliantly for them; I didn't feel complete until I had my second; another friend longs for a third but her dp won't agree. It is just so different for everyone. x

RickGhastley Sun 29-May-11 21:28:01

Sorry to hear that your DD has been so poorly and that things have been rough for you and your DH.

It sounds like the last thing you need at the mo is another baby if you are already concerned about your DD, your relationship with DH, your health and you are bloody knackered aswell - I can't see pregnancy and a newborn fixing any of that, give yourselves a break!

Having a sibling for your DD is not a reason to have a baby- they may well not get on. DH has a brother 2.5 years younger than him who he dislikes immensly yet gets on brilliantly with his younger brother who is 6 years younger than him.

Can you wait and see how you feel in a year or so? You may well have got your relationship properly back on track and hopefully your DD's health will improved - my GP said they tend to be less poorly with coughs, colds etc after 2 years old (and spookily this was the case with my DS!)

EssexGurl Tue 31-May-11 17:30:35

I felt like this with DS. Although not as traumatic as your experience, I did have a very difficult birth followed by three months of the most horrendous colic ever (all day, every day - none of this just three hours in the evening!). I also suffered PND. I did go back to work when DS was 1 year old and it was the saving of me and both my relationship with DS and my DH. I couldn't see beyond us being a threesome. But, at around the time he turned 3 I did start getting broody again. We now have DD who is 2 and DS who is almost 6. They do fight and it is hard sometimes. But my relationship with DS is fantastic and he hasn't been threatened by DD. She is a real Daddy's girl and he is a Mummy's boy - so it has worked out well for us. I would say, don't discount anything at this stage - who knows what is around the corner.

mollysmum82 Wed 01-Jun-11 13:40:49

Thank you so much for your lovely replies and for sharing your experiences, it really helps xxx

Deliaskis Wed 01-Jun-11 16:10:10

mollysmum as you have been on not once but twice to thank people for their replies, I thought rather than just lurking on here, I would thank you for posting this, as it's made me feel more reassured too. Our DD is still only tiny, just 3 months, so I know it's too early to know for sure, but because of the difficulties we have had, I need to cling at the moment to the knowledge that if we only end up doing this once, that's OK. I know I may well feel different in a year or two,- I'm not naive enough to think that the way I feel now is completely fixed as it's still too early, but it really helps to read other people's experiences with this.

So thank you for raising a question that I myself had been wondering about.

Dx

BsshBossh Wed 01-Jun-11 16:48:04

Oh OP, many hugs to you and your DD and also your DH. What a stressful time for you all.

Not sure if this will help you or not but my DD is 3 and I'm happy not to have any more children. DH agrees - he wanted another but is more than happy with DD. I was/am an only child and had a wonderfully happy childhood - I had good friends, my parents ensured our time together was activity-packed and I don't ever remember being lonely. I'm 40 now, my parents are elderly, my father is ill but I still don't wish I had a sibling as I have DH and good friends still.

BsshBossh Wed 01-Jun-11 16:49:39

Incidentally, this is a good section to peruse and post on:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families

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